Last night a base was stolen, so America gets a taco. America, you can claim your taco at Taco Bell next Tuesday between the hours of 2 and 5 PM.

Just writing that sentence made me laugh so hard I could barely see the screen. So stupid. So funny.

It’s a little more than a month into the new TV season and it’s time to draw some conclusions. And, given my known love of information displayed in numbered lists and clearly-displayed graphs, here’s a chart plotting which shows have delivered on their promise and which have disappointed. The upper left and lower right quadrants are our “surprise” zones and these five shows defied our expectations for the better or worse.

Some have under-delivered. Viva Laughlin could have been a new favorite, but stumbled right out of the gate. Not just stumbled — face-planted, broke its leg and had to be shot. Some have defied even our high expectations. Pushing Daisies could have been a gimmick-ridden novelty, but turned out to be an incredibly charming, one-of-a-kind fantasy.

Take a look and see if you agree with our placements.

Listen. We’re friends, right? Maybe not Hold Your Hair and Rub Your Back As You Puke friends, but at least Think Twice Before I Make Out With Your Boyfriend friends, I would hope. I know I haven’t forced my opinions on you since waaay back with episode 4 of The Hills, and I’m hoping that this lapse in time will actually serve to make my opinion more valuable than it was before, because you need to be watching this show:

Full disclosure time: I don’t really like football. I can occasionally get it up for college football, but that’s generally only once a year when Navy plays beats Army. (I’ve never used the intentional strikethrough gag before. I somehow feel like less of a person now). I have some deep seeded issues with high school football in particular, since I worry that inflating 16 year olds to such a regal status at such a young age sets them up for intense disappointment for the rest of their lives, big fish small pond style. Also, I was in marching band in high school, and I never got over it.

But I still think Friday Night Lights is the best show on television (best drama, anyway. 30 Rock, holla). I just recently finished the DVDs of season one (which you can get for $20 on Amazon. Seriously, that is the cost of like 3 beers, and it will love you a lot longer than they will) and after 3 episodes I was already at the point where just hearing the theme music was enough to make me cry and feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

I know there are concerns, and I’m about to address all of them. #1) “I feel creepy watching a show about high school kids.” This one comes to us courtesy of my older brother, but don’t let him fool you, he burned through two seasons of Veronica Mars in about a week and never thought twice about the creepiness factor, so I’m dismissing this one. #2) “But we’re already three epsiodes into season 2, and I have no idea what’s going on.” Bitch, please. Like I would leave you hanging. Ready? Okay!

Here’s Jason. He used to be starting quarterback before he went and got himself paralyzed. Now he plays quad rugby, explores shady Mexican surgery options, and deals with the fact that his bangin’ girlfriend (see: Lyla) banged his BFF (see: Tim).

Speak of the devil! Here’s Lyla. And okay, fine, maybe she cheated on her paralyzed boyfriend, but he wasn’t being particularly nice to her at the time. Also, and this goes without saying, anyone who gets the chance to sleep with Tim should take it. Anyhoo, now Lyla has found Jesus, and leads school Bible groups with a hilarious string of Dr Seuss sounding prayers that go something like “Christ above me, Christ beside me, Christ within me…” and will leave you shouting “Christ behind me! SAY IT!” at the tv.

And here’s Matt and Julie. Matt became QB1 following Jason’s accident, and then put the moves on Julie, the coach’s daughter, who has bangs. This is really all you need to know here, except that Julie somehow became an idiot this season when her parents had another baby and her dad took a job far away and she dumped Matt so that she could run around being and idiot and because she wanted to give me a good reason to hate her. Mission accomplished.

And Tyra, my favorite, filling the role of hardened-slutty-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold-and-a-shot-at-a-better-future-if-she-just-applies-herself. Tyra also used to make out with Tim. Last season she was almost sexually assaulted by Some Random Dude but she beat the hell out of him and I loved her for it. Then he showed up again to finish the job this season, and it would have been a problem except…

Landry went and killed the dude because he’s in love with Tyra, and then the two of them dumped the body in a river.

And here’s Coach Taylor, who left the Dillon Panthers for a job coaching a college team but is obviously going to come back because having him gone is like those first 600 pages of book 7 where harry isn’t at Hogwarts that made me want to kill myself. And his ridiculously hot and completely awesome wife.

And here’s Tim, or, as my cousin erin likes to call him, “why weren’t the football players that hot when we were in high school?” Tim’s got a bit of a drinking problem and some daddy issues and a tendency to sleep with the single mothers in his neighborhood and a small obsession with Lyla even though she now has a big obsession with Jesus, but it’s cool because they’re constantly showing him in the rain:

NBC, Fridays, 9pm. On the off chance that you don’t feel totally caught up to speed, complete episodes here.

From what I hear, the most recent season of 24 was a clunker. Perhaps that’s what drove Kiefer to the bottle. In any case, via The TV Addict, here’s a look at what’s in store for next season — hopefully they’re stepping it up.

He’s a mogwai.

• Mark your calendars for April — that’s when Battlestar returns.
• Daniel Day-Kim is the lastest Lostie to get a DUI.
• The Fall Out Boy singer is going to be on Law and Order.
• Has Grey’s Anatomy found itself a lesbian?
• The NY Times reports on Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.
• Back to You gets a full season.
• Ladies: are you desperate? Do you kind of hate yourself? Well, the Bachelor 12 is now casting.
• Yay.  More scripts have been ordered for Dirty Sexy Money.
• An interview with Scrubs’ Bill Lawrence.
• More Reaper scripts have been ordered.

That was by far the funniest line I heard during last night’s World Series game. Apparently, Taco Bell is giving out a free taco to everyone in the United States once someone steals a base in the World Series. Last night, the Rockies pitcher threw to first and it was called as a balk, one of the more fun rules of baseball (along with the ground-rule double), so the runner was given the base. Hence, “Does America still get a taco?” Apparently, the answer is no. But maybe tonight! The tension is palpable!

If you prefer your comedy from scripted television, The Office is finally back to half-hour episodes, Carrie Fisher guest stars on 30 Rock (Princess Leia AAAH), and Ugly Betty continues to camp its way into our hearts.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: So this is where I’ve decided to air my opinion on Viva Laughlin, that deservedly canceled pile of crap. I thought I was going to be getting a musical television show. That, my friends, was no musical television. I agree wholeheartedly with Sara on this one — lip sync or sing full out, don’t just mumble as a song is playing in the background. Also, write a show that doesn’t suck. I did not stick to my word and only watched five minutes before giving up in anger. Thank god Pushing Daisies regularly includes some awesome Kristin Chenowith singing action, or I’d lose hope in singing on TV entirely.

You know, ever since I decided to become a comedy snob life has been rough. Well, not necessarily rough, but I’ve just gotten a little bit jaded.

I pretty much expected to be disappointed by most sitcoms (Big Bang Theory, Back To You) this season — to the extent that I’d be shocked if I wound up legitimately chuckling.

That said, Samantha Who? actually had some funny moments. In reality, not enough to grant it a season pass on the TiFaux, but enough to give it a “solid job.” Samantha Who? (which was renamed about fifty times before it debuted — they kept changing the title because of copyright issues. They started with Sam I Am, changed it to Samantha Be Good, then Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Samantha, then Don’t Know What You’ve Got, Samantha, Til It’s Gone…) definitely has some promise, although it isn’t one of those pilots that oozes with so much potential that you can’t wait til the next episode.

The premise involves a woman who gets into a car wreck and gets amnesia (I know, I’m tired of amnesia too), but after trying to get back to her old life she realizes that she was Anna Wintour for real estate. She’s got a hottie boyfriend (but they hate each other — probably for the best, though, as he is an ex-Seventh Heaven cast member), a superficial best friend and two overbearing parents. Soon enough, she realizes that she wants nothing to do with her old self.

So, hat rubbed me the right way about the show?

Part of it is probably my weird devotion to Christina Applegate. For some reason, I’m proud of her for making it out of Married with Children with her career intact. I mean, she certainly came off more unscathed than her TV sibling. I’ve even forgiven her for that God-awful movie with Cameron Diaz where she totally looked and acted like the poor man’s Jennifer Aniston. And, no matter what, you’ve got to admit that Applegate really works for it — she’s a pretty good comedic actress and she’s trying not to blow it.

Aside from Applegate’s gold star-worthy performance, there’s a synergy between the talented cast and the snappy-ish writing. Samantha’s parents are funny and clueless and as is her childhood best friend, who came to her bedside after years apart (because she just wanted someone to hang out with).

Anyway — not a whole lot to say about Samantha Who?, but you could do worse. That is, you could be watching Cavemen.

PS — Editorial/publishing nerds: When you end a sentence with Samantha Who?, do you include a period? I’m not happy with the results either way.

It’s time to announce the winner of the Veronica Mars Season 3 DVD giveaway. As you may recall, we asked you to come up with two-sentence pitches for a fourth season of the show. We got some really great responses, and it was extremely tough to pick a winner. So we picked two! The first is from Catherine. Thanks for the good visuals, Catherine.

Season 4 starts with Piz: shirtless, tied to a chair, and kidnapped by one of the bail jumpers that Keith had captured (but was recently been released from jail). Veronica and Keith team up with the newly introduced hotty: Piz’s older brother; Veronica is torn between two Piznarskis.

The other winner is Wojtek, who focuses on lesser-seen characters in the Neptune pantheon.

In an attempt to find her father a distraction from the lost election, Veronica finally decides to look into the inexplicable disappearance of Wallace’s mother. The trail, suspiciously — and deliciously! — often peppered with appearances by Trina Echolls (HIMYM schedule permitting) leads her to uncovering the true extent of the Kane conspiracy.

We’ll be in touch about sending out your DVDs.

Of course we can’t help sharing the ideas from many of the wonderful runners-up, after the jump.

I miss summer already.

• ABC wants more Samantha Who?
• Mr. Big talks about the Sex and the City movie.
• An interview with Jensen Ackles of Smallville.
• Remember yesterday when I said the Writer’s Guild was done trying to unionize reality show writers? Nevermind.
• USA Today writes about the end of Scrubs.
• Someone new is running The Bionic Woman. I can’t imagine it’s possible to salvage it at this point.
• TV Squad lists the scariest TV characters of all time.
• Casting news arrives for a high-profile ensemble pilot called The Oaks.
• You can watch the season premiere of Run’s House online. If it’s come to that.
• The Amazing Race 12 cast has been announced.
• Mythbusters are testing to see if cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack.

Our favorite show about a magical pie-maker that recently received a full-season order to the thrill of audiences nationwide, Pushing Daisies, continues its whimsy tonight. Speaking of pies, I saw Waitress last night. Also sweet. (And TV related: Nathan Fillion. Enough said, am I right?) I really need to learn how to make pies.

This morning I decided there were three types of stories. There’s the story where things are bad, then they get good (Heroes, House, Waitress). Then there’s when things are good, then they get bad (Gossip Girl, Dirty Sexy Money [both new tonight], Damages, Curb Your Enthusiasm). And there are stories where things are bad, and then they get worse (Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Arrested Development). I’m not sure if this distinction makes any sense to anyone but me, but I find it helpful in deciding what type of show I’m in the mood for. Lately I’ve felt some good-to-bad story fatigue. As much fun as these stories are, watching someone’s dreams get crushed over and over can be exhausting. You just know that Dan’s date is going to go horribly, Jenny is going to be humiliated, Nick will be forced to make ethically unsound decisions and neglect his wife and kid, and everything Juliet and Jeremy do will backfire. There’s nothing wrong with a bad-to-good story every once in a while.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: NBC has been relentlessly promoting the campy-looking Phenomenon, which I gather has something to with magic tricks. Oh, I’m sorry: “They’re not tricks, they’re illusions!”