My bad. The last item in yesterday’s news briefs should’ve been researched with a little more scrutiny: “Our Very First Telethon” — Full House episode 3.24 — is actually readily available on YouTube. As a hellish mea culpa, I’ve decided to review the episode in real time. I have now leared my lesson. Trust me, this won’t happen again.

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• 00:03 — “Telethion”? Oh dear. This is not starting out so well.
• 00:08 — Tee-hee. I was just imaging what a TV-MA episode of Full House would be like. Lots of cussing and full-frontal Bob Saget.
• 00:22 — That’s some righteous hair, John Stamos. The early inspiration for Amy Winehouse, no doubt.
• 00:29 — I’ve always wondered what Dave Coulier is gesturing about here. Seriously. I like to pretend he’s in the midst of a heated commentary on Great Britain’s naval eminence following the Battle of Trafalgar.
• 00:33 — JODIE SWEETIN IS LOOKING AT ME. Weird: How come she’s the only cast member of the cast to directly break the fourth wall on their opening-credits introduction? (Lori Loughlin might also be guilty; the video quality is too poor to see in what direction those eyes are pointed.)
• 01:00 — Hey, Roseanne! Full House is stealing your harmonica licks!
• 01:03 — Oh my God. I hate clowns.
• 01:40 — Seriously? They have Michelle answering phones at the telethion? This show’s credibility just got tossed out the window.
• 01:58 — “If you need me, I’m ready to ride!” Too easy.
• 02:08 — A little-known Jerry Fallwell stab at comedy.
• 02:37 — What kinda badass guitar pose was that, Stamos?
• 02:49 — Is it just me, or did anyone else think for a split-second that somebody just dressed Mama’s Family‘s Iola Lucille Boyland in a tux and pushed her out on stage?
• 02:52 — I feel like somebody stole these floral arrangements from a funeral home.
• 03:24 — I thought Jodie Sweetin didn’t start doing the meth until many years later.
• 03:48 — What the hell is on his sweater? Are those sneakers? Spores? Paramecium? I kinda want it.
• 03:56 — My new hero(ine): the lady on the far right in the second row. “Let’s hear it for this band, huh? Ladies and gentlemen?” She is having none of it. She’s not even happy to be there.
• 04:11 — OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO FUNNY! THAT IS SO TRUE!
• 04:29 — THAT IS SO TRUE! THAT IS SO FUNNY! OH MY GOD!
• 04:30 — I dig the severe ’90s-ish-ness of the gal in the center of the front row. I also dig how the lady to the right of her looks ready to evacuate the moment any big shit goes down.
• 04:38 — And this is the dude Alanis wrote “You Oughta Know” about? Sad.
• 04:49 — Gosh, I’m tired.
• 05:00 — I know it’s the perspective, but the legs of the woman painted on the Cabinet of Mystery look weird.
• 05:10 — I like to provide my own comic screamy noises when she tosses her shoes off-stage.
• 05:12 — Ditto.
• 06:52 — Whoa. Sorry. Fell asleep there.
• 07:10 — The goal of this telethion is to, like, raise $1,000,000, right? Which would mean they want people to tune in, yes? So why on earth are they letting Danny Tanner sing “Kiss Today Goodbye”?
• 07:41 — GAH! When that leg came up, I totally thought Danny was gonna hump the Cabinet of Mystery.
• 07:56 — Fun fact: A lot of people don’t know this, but this moment is actually a clever industry inside joke — Dave Coulier was Jennifer Beals’ wedling double in Flashdance.
• 08:12 — Sigh.
• 08:28 — Oh, I’m making a big-ass vegan taco salad for dinner tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.
• 08:42 — God, I wish I wasn’t a teetotaler.
• 08:56 — They’re totally dueting on a fierce cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer,” you know.
• 08:57 — If Jack had lived and moved to San Francisco with Ennis …
• 09:07 — This is the Lakers Girls’ dance interpretation of race relations in Los Angeles two years before the riots. Not many people give Full House credit for being so aware of cultural zeitgeist.
• 09:10 — At least “coming” was misspelled in the most innocent way possible.

This isn’t a new discovery by any means, but I’ve been listening to “Your Rocky Spine” by Great Lake Swimmers lately and I quite like it. It kind of came back into my consciousness when I heard it at the conclusion of an episode of Weeds.

If you watch Weeds, you know that the show has a singular ability to end every episode on a huge cliffhanger. This episode, in particular, had a pretty huge cliffhanger in that *spoilerish alert* a major recurring character got killed off in the final moments. And while it wasn’t a sad moment, necessarily, this song can make any moment bittersweet.

As a bit of background, Great Lake Swimmers are from Ontario and this is from their third album, Ongiara. Their singer’s voice is super warbly and, to me, super affecting. [kml_flashembed movie="http://youtube.com/v/HC-bpXxrcdE" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

This is an inauspicious way to return to blogging, but I just can’t help grinning every time I watch the credits to Chuck. [kml_flashembed movie="http://youtube.com/v/1azgd809aIY" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Even as the show itself declines in my esteem, the brilliant credit sequence only rises. It’s so… expensive. And elaborate. And catchy. Set to Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket,” which is a fun song to begin with, it animates its way into my heart despite everything that comes before or after.

It is by far the best credit sequence out there now. Some of my other favorites include House (old-fashioned imagery and a slightly spooky tune), 30 Rock (perfectly captures the zany tone, and the shot of Alec Baldwin makes me laugh every time), and The Wire (same song sung by a different person/group every season, it’s overly long like all HBO credits and the imagery is pretty standard, but it’s a great song).

The worst credit sequence offenses are perpetrated by ABC. They’ve all but done away with credits, and the atrocities that the Lost “credit sequence” unleashed on the world with imitators like Heroes and Reaper can’t be underestimated. Ugly Betty is a cute concept but annoying after one or two viewings. Pushing Daisies, a show flawless in every other regard, has no credit sequence to speak of, only that silly animation. Grey’s Anatomy has all but given up on their doctors-getting-it-on credit sequence in favor of a Lost-ish GREY’S ANATOMY fading into white while a single sequence of notes plinks suggestively.

Then there are the credit sequences that are either brilliant or demented. I’m thinking primarily of the sequence for Weeds, which makes me want to stab my own eyes out. Stop singing that song! ENOUGH! How I Met Your Mother has a fun, brief song that I like most of the time — but once in a while it’s just too much and I can’t handle the chipper friendliness any more. And the less said about the absolutely embarrassing “You know you love me… X O X O” credit sequence for Gossip Girl, the better. Poor, poor Veronica.

Am I missing any brilliant sequences? What are your bests and worsts?

Oh, I’m getting the hang of it now. More bullet points, less verbiage.

• Better late than never: Project Runway cast-off and 40-year-old Ragged Dick Marion Lee probably won’t be picking up Steve & Barry’s gift certificates for his girlfriends anytime soon.
• All hail the Hypnotoad! Futurama returns today via a brand new DVD movie. Here is some love:

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• OC creator Josh Schwartz agrees: That whole Johnny-falling-off-a-cliff deal in season three was stupid. Me, I thought everything related to Johnny was stupid, but I’ll take what I can get.
• Shocking: Celebrities do drugs. Sometimes on camera. I know, I know. Your head just exploded, right? (My apologies for linking to Fox News.)
• One of the Real Housewives of Orange County is getting her very own spin-off dating show. I have little to say about this because I can’t type my tears.
• Going into the season finale, Dancing with the Stars‘ Maksim Chmerkovskiy shakes his fist at Marie Osmond: “Yeah, I think she represents a lot of women out there with all their problems.” What a charmer!
• The only former Bachelor to stick with the lady he picked on the series, Byron Velvick got decked by showmance Mary Delgado over the weekend, and he kinda/sorta looks like he had it coming. So … we’re now 0-7?
• This morning in the God-I-hop-it’s-true rumor mill, Perez Hilton crapped himself on a treadmill while filming the new season of Celebrity Fit Club. Fun idea: Post your own punchline in the comments section.
• Warning: geek humor to follow. Tom Cruise might be hopping on the first TARDIS out of Xenu. He’s reportedly being lined up to guest on the new series of Doctor Who. He’ll play an annoying little martian. Or, if you prefer, himself.
• Showgirls survivor Elizabeth Berkley will soon be rubbing up against inert poles on CSI: Miami. By that, I mean that she’s been cast as David Caruso’s ex-wife.