Let me open my first-ever news round-up for TiFaux by gently correcting a few personal factoids provided by my good buddy Dan: I’ve “always carried a torch for Damon Albarn”? Really, Dan? C’mon. Like, 1997 through the release of Think Tank. Lately, I’ve been all about James Marsden. (Thanks for something, Hairspray!) And Van Helsing was totally his idea; I merely provided the ride. But I do live outside Baltimore, and I am a vegan, so there’s that. But just to make Dan into a source of complete and utter misinformation, why, I’ve suddenly decided to move to Georgetown and eat a cow. Just kidding. Maybe.

Now that introductions are out of the way, I’m sad to report that it’s kind of a slow news day.

• Tyra Banks’ sex life is being ruined by Tyra Banks’ wig — and not, surprisingly, by the fact that she’s Tyra Banks.
• How can I not link to an interview with the fabulous Melissa McCarthy? I sure as hell don’t watch her new Samantha Who? show, but if you’ve ever seen her memorable bit part in Go, Doug Liman’s 1999 let’s-hit-up-a-rave-with-the-future-Mrs.-Tom-Cruise comedy-thriller, well, you’d link to it, too.
• Oh. And there’s this Writer’s-Guild-strike-thing going on. I dunno if you’ve heard about it. It’s upsetting a lot of people. I think Ellen Degeneres even killed somebody! Anyway, as always, there’s some breaking news about that.
• The Bachelor fans are pretty pissed off about this season finale’s Most Shocking Rose Ceremony Ever. One über-frustrated devotee wrote that this is “IT FOR [HER]” (her caps, not mine) on ABC.com’s message board, which I estimate will bring the number of next season’s viewers down to 13.
• I simply can’t watch America’s The Office because the British original is so near and dear to my miserly heart. Sorry. But since everybody else loves it, everybody else might be thrilled — thrilled! — to know that this Angela Kinsey person is pregnant. (I mostly wanted to link to this news item because the reader comments are so informative. Before today, I’d never heard of Angela Kinsey, and now I know that she’s pregnant, that she met her husband on interracialloves.com, and that she apparently has nudie pics available on nudistconnection.com. God bless the Internet.)
• Have mercy, indeed. Two writers from Entertainment Weekly watched all eight seasons of Full House in a straight 75-hour shot. After reading their diary, I’m seriously bummed that, as of this afternoon, nobody has put the telethon episode — wherein Stephanie dances to “Love Shack” and D.J. sings “Lollipops & Gummi Bears” (the lyrics: shudder) — on YouTube. Come on now, junkies. You know what you need to do.

Hey kids. You know I love you right? But bloggers gotta rest too.

On that note, the day after Thanksgiving I’m hopping a plane to Portugal, so I won’t be around next week.

Most likely I’ll be strolling around the streets of Lisbon, trying to figure out where the gayborhood is, so I can take a Portuguese lover (people say that, right? “Take a lover”? But it’s mostly rich people who use those weird phrases… like “keep a home in the Hamptons.”). So we’ll see how that works out. Hopefully he won’t speak English, I won’t speak Portuguese, but we will be fluent in the language of love.

I’m totally joking by the way — I’m just going to be walking around and taking pictures with my straight girl traveling companion.

But I digress. Anyway, I’ll try to plan some time-delayed posts for next week. But, yeah, don’t expect much out of me.

The good news, though, is that I’ve recruited a guest blogger to do news for next week. My friend Jamie, who keeps up the movie review site Re-Media, will be providing you with your morning television briefing. And more, if he so desires. What can I tell you about Jamie: he lives outside Baltimore. He’s a vegan. He’s always carried a torch for Damon Albarn of Blur. He took me to see Van Helsing and I’ve never forgiven him. Although that was a long time ago and it could actually have been my idea.

So, we’ll see how this goes. Weeeeee!

Oh, and if we have any Portuguese readers (hey, it could happen) who would like to show us around, let me know.

Anne Heche is awesome.

• Networks are trying to decide whether or not to air or save new episodes.
• New York Magazine talks about the live 30 Rock performance.
• In a cruel twist of fate, The Office will be replaced by Celebrity Apprentice.
• How did The Wire talk The Baltimore Sun into using its name.
• The NY Times talks about Fred Armisen and his drumming.
• Even Time magazine liked Monday’s Heroes.
• Michael Showalter discusses a reunion of The State.
• A new Ask Ausiello has info on Grey’s Anatomy and Lost.
• E-Kristin has a video conversation with Masi Oka.
• Christina Applegate is getting nekkid for PETA.
• Are Lost’s Webisodes a good model for writers?

After winning the Barbie challenge in season two, Nick became “Uncle Nick” — giving widespread attention to the time-worn phenomenon of the doting gay uncle.

Now, in more progressive times, we can embrace gay uncles in all their glory. In yesteryear, young nieces and nephews may have wondered why Uncle Steve always brought his ‘roommate’ Bruce to family gatherings. These days, gay uncles can be just that — fun fusions of older brother, best friend and alternate-universe-dad.

So, in the world of Project Runway, I was wondering who would be the better gay uncle — Nick or Tim Gunn.

They’re both lovable and cute, so it’s hard to decide. I think, in general, Uncle Nick would be better when you’re a little kid and Uncle Tim would be better when you’re grown up. For instance, on your fifth birthday Nick will get you all the candy you can eat and all the Barbies your arms can carry. Tim might get you a savings bond.

At the time, the winner is obvious, but when you reach your twenties you’d much rather be able to spend that money on alcohol or your electric bill.

That said, let’s break it down.

Uncle Nick

Benefits:

• More likely to buy you beer when you’re nineteen.
• If you’re a girl (or, hell, if you’re a boy), he’d be way more fun to play dress-up with.
• You can bring him to your office Christmas party as your date and it wouldn’t be that weird.

Drawbacks:

• Will spoil you.
• Blurs the line between friend and paternal figure.
• Loves attention just as much as you do.

Uncle Tim

Benefits:

• Better equipped to help dress you for your first job interview.
• Constant source of reasonable advice.
• Will let you crash at his luxurious loft (or the luxurious loft that I imagine he has).

Drawbacks:

• Won’t let you put your feet up on the couch at his house.
• Might correct your pronunciation.
• Would drag you kicking and screaming to the art gallery at the age of 10 in order to expose you to culture (although you’d thank him for it later).

Last night Maggie and I (and friend-of-the-faux Katie) had tickets to one of the hottest shows in town: the live reading of an episode of 30 Rock at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. We got there 80 minutes early and still barely got seats. I think the majority of the audience was standing or sitting in the aisles. The place was completely packed. I didn’t catch a lot of familiar faces in the audience. Brian Stack of Conan fame sat in front of us, and I saw Amy Poehler talking to him after the show. Other than that, the big names were all on stage.

I expected an old show (we were hoping for “Tracy Does Conan” with a cameo from Conan) but they actually did a staged reading of a show that airs in 3 weeks. Tina specifically requested that we avoid posting plot details on our blogs because the show is “kind of like Heroes and [they] like to keep it a secret.” But I will tell you a few things.

The entire main cast was there, with the exception of Special Guest Stars Edie Falco and James Carville. Falco’s part was played by Paul Pell, who recently played Pete’s wife on 30 Rock, but is perhaps best known as a frequent fake audience member on SNL. James Carville was played by a guy who looked a little like James Carville and wore a shirt that said “James Carville” on the front and the back. Signed copies of that shirt, and the Shinehardt Wig Company “NOT polluting rivers since 1997″ shirt were raffled off during commercial breaks. Some of the supporting cast also couldn’t make it, including Maulik Pancholy (Jack’s assistant Jonathan). His one line was read by one of the writers. Grizz and Dot Com didn’t have any lines in the episode.

Commercials were somewhat successfully improvised by Jack McBrayer (Kenneth) and John Lutz (Lutz). The best involved the two of them pretending to play basketball, with Jack McBrayer on defense waving his hands around hilariously. When Tina saw Jack McBrayer in his NBC Page costume she couldn’t help laughing. She said her one wish is that the show lasts just long enough that he has to wear the costume for the rest of his life like Bob Denver (fun fact, Gilligan’s Island was only on for 3 seasons).

The episode itself was typical 30 Rock, full of shenanigans and great cutaways, which was a little tricky to pull off on stage, but the thrill of seeing everyone in person made up for any performance problems. There was a lot of time spent waiting for the audience to stop laughing. Alec Baldwin and Paula Pell had a great time pretending to have sex in various positions. Tina warned us before the show started that he might try to rape her. I laughed as soon as Tracy Morgan started talking. He has such a naturally funny and forceful voice it was just hilarious to hear him say anything at all. Liz Lemon calling Kenneth a “fucking hillbilly” during a game of Celebrity (Maggie’s favorite game) is something you won’t be hearing on NBC.

The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes, which is about half as long as we waited in line, but it was totally worth it. Much better than my experience playing “Audience Member #224″ in the pilot episode.

So, we’ve been through this before. They announced a cast list for the celebrity edition of The Apprentice and we got to play the guess-the-real-contestant game. Unfortunately, it was a bunk list.

However, now the cast has been listed by reputable sources. Shall we play again?

Remember, one of the following groupings is the real contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice.

The gymnast: Nadia Comaneci, Mary Lou Retton, Carly Patterson.

The playmate (I don’t expect anyone to know this person, so, to make it easier, the two decoys don’t actually exist): Laura McDonald, Stacey Ammon, Tiffany Fallon.

The talent show judge: Randy Jackson, Piers Morgan, Dave Navarro.

The rocker: Gene Simmons, Alice Cooper, Ted Nugent.

The chatty lady: Marilu Henner, Leeza Gibbons, Ricki Lake.

The fighter (pick two): Sugar Ray Leonard, Lennox Lewis, Tito Ortiz, Oscar De La Hoya, Tommy Speer.

The country musician: Garth Brooks, Trace Adkins, Reba McIntire.

The pretty lady: Bo Derrick, Cindy Crawford, Carol Alt.

The Soprano: Jamie Lynn Sigler, Vincent Pastore, Robert Iler.

The softball star (again, two of these names are just made up): Olivia David, Jennie Finch, Mandy Hammond.
The Spanish talk show host: Lili Estefan, Nancy Alvarez, Nely Galan.

The crazy born-again: Kirk Cameron, Candice Cameron, Stephen Baldwin.
Omarosa: No guesses here. Omarosa’s going to be on it.

Follow the jump for the answers…

Sonar would be cool. Sleeping upside-down, not so much.

• You Ain’t No Picasso compiles songs in an homage to Pushing Daisies.
• Mindy Kaling has a strike treatise on her blog.
• Starred Review talks about Guitar Hero on Gossip Girl.
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers are suing the Californication people. I’m surprised it’s taken them this long.
• House’s Lisa Edelstein talks to TV Guide.
• Bones’ David Boreanaz does too.
• SNL staffers have been laid off due to the strike.
• Is Ellen violating the writers’ strike due to her ad-libbed monologues?
• Spoiler: The Bachelor did something crazy and awesome last night.
• Fun fact: Samantha Who? was created by the daughter of Ireland’s prime minister.
• Chelsea Handler’s life to be a movie.
• Spoiler chat with E-Kristin. She also talks with Kristin Bell!

Am I an idiot, or am I totally missing whose side these folks are on?

It seems like it’s pro-producers and then at the end seems to be pro-writers.

Wha’ happened?

In other news, this clip from a writer at The Colbert Report is a bit more straightforward.

Now I don’t know a lot about Mike Huckabee, but he strikes me as someone I will never vote for. That said, the man makes a funny political ad.

It reminds me of that time Bob Dole went on Letterman after he lost against Clinton. He was a humorless bore during the election but after he lost he was hilarious (creepy Viagra ads notwithstanding).

Is it possible for a serious contender (which Huckabee clearly is not) to stop being so serious during an election and still remain a serious contender?

Proud TV Blog Coalition member Scooter recently sent out a call asking TV bloggers what their favorite new shows of the 2007 were. After some feverish computing and calculating on his TI-82, he came up with this master list.

1. Pushing Daisies - ABC (8)
2. Chuck - NBC (2)
3. Dirty Sexy Money - ABC
4. The Big Bang Theory - CBS
5. Gossip Girl - CW
6. Aliens in America - CW
7. Samantha Who? - ABC
8. Moonlight - CBS (1)
9. Reaper - CW
10. Journeyman - NBC
(numbers in parentheses denote first place votes)

Also receiving votes: Life, Woman’s Murder Club, Private Practice,Bionic Woman, Cane.

Pushing Daisies — of course it’s the obvious choice. Everyone loves it, and if you don’t, you better stop frontin’ because you should. I am, however, a little surprised about the high rankings of Chuck and Big Bang Theory. For one, Chuck (and this is really a whole separate post) is really not doing it for me and my backlog has grown to such proportions that I have, in effect, stopped watching it. You can still firmly count me in Team Reaper, although I’m not wildly enthusiastic about either. And Big Bang Theory? Maybe they’ve gotten the ball rolling after that tedious pilot, but I’m still skeptical.

I was also the only one to give any love to Cane. Which, by the way, I have been watching. We’ll talk later.

The voters were: Dan, Ducky, Kath, Jo, Liz, Rae, Sandie, Scooter McGavin, Tube Talk Girl, TVFan, and Vance.