What’re you doing with your money, Montel?

Posted by Dan January 25th, 2008 at 11:32am In News

When I was of Bar Mitzvah age, that’s when the whole trash talk show trend really boomed. You had Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer, Sally Jessy Raphael and even Richard Bey. This was when Greg Kinnear wasn’t an Academy Award-nominated actor — just a struggling actor who was worrying he would peak with hosting Talk Soup on basic cable.

In any case, remember Jenny Jones? She was the bland blonde one whose guests were always way more outrageous than she could ever seem to handle.

Well, turns out Jenny Jones is a) still alive, and b) totally rich. So rich, in fact, that she’s giving away her money — a million bucks of it.

Under the my-wishes-came-true-let-me-help-you premise, she’s giving away a million bucks in $25,000 grants. All you have to do is fill out the application describing “your dream” and pray.

Sadly, I don’t think any of my dreams live up to the standard of “I want to buy computers for a handicapped school,” as they suggest on the site. Stupid do-gooders.
My dreams include:

• a live-in, professional chips and guacamole chef.
• a bed shaped like a spaceship with a built-in telescope.
• a surgical procedure to help me get to my “goal height” of 5′9.
• a puppy that doesn’t bark, urinate or need to be fed.