It’s upfront season!

Unfortunately, the strike has effed everything up and it’s not really the same week-long parade of new programming we used to know. Maggie used to handle this beat, but I’ll handle it this weird year. However, now I’m adding a question mark to the “It’s the Upfronts” title because it all seemed very after-the-fact and unceremonious.

Instead of highlighting all the inevitably crappy programming that is bound to pop up, I’m going to spotlight some stuff that might actually be good. First stop: Fringe.[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZAu4L5_Fl84" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

First of all, I think J.J. Abrams should buy me a pony. Between Alias, Lost, Felicity and that vomit-orious movie Cloverfield, he must be making enough money that he can buy me and every other red-blooded American boy a pony… on whose head I can superglue a cone and make into a unicorn.

The reason I say this is that Fringe is his ninety millionth new series. If I had Abrams cash, I’d dedicate a room in my house just to store my Judaica.

Fringe looks like it could be intriguing although I have my reservations.

• They boast that it was done by the writers of Transformers.
• There’s a high probability it might be in the distinctive JJ Abrams category of high concept, uneven payoff.

However, it does have some things working for it.

• The always adorably apple-cheeked Joshua Jackson (who, by the way, has one of my favorite celebrity mug shots ever).
• An obviously large budget.
• A strong cast including that mysterious fellow who keeps popping up in flashbacks/flashforwards on Lost.

What do you think? Any other shows you’re looking forward to?

• There is no god: Fran Drescher and Rosie O’Donnell are working on a sitcom together
• Tila Tequila to retire from reality TV
• My librarian ass was too lazy to do this: Librarian Charlie rounds up Memorial Day weekend TV show marathons (thx!)
• John McCain and Ellen DeGeneres have an awkard chat
• Stop copying TV 14 year olds: Gossip Girl copycat creates 8th grade gossip blog
• Reality Blurred has a huge ass list of upcoming reality shows. I see cougars, millionaires, and vomit in our future!
• Woman saved attack victim’s life using first aid she learned from Grey’s Anatomy
• Andy Cohen, my second favorite Bravo gay man after Tim Gunn, got promoted to senior VP
• More states wooing TV production away from California
• RIP: Miami Ink, LA Ink still doing extremely well
• Idol reject Josiah Leming signs label deal
• The Onion: Wheel of Fortune contestants hit hard as vowel prices skyrocket
• Because I love you: Coolest man ever to live pops 23 collars
• Sigourney Weaver to play conservative mom that drives her gay son to suicide
• This day in lists: Worst TV to movie adaptations

I’ve never liked change. It’s awful.

You know what I like? I like doing the same thing at the same time every day. Taking my coffee the same way (a ton of cream and no less than three Splendas — disgusting, I know), going to the same restaurants and ordering the same thing (Alero, chicken burrito) and going to the same bars to get the same drinks (Jack and coke or a nice wheat beer). I really see myself as a retiree who has to go to work.

More to the point, it’s a good thing that my life isn’t televised because it’d be boring as all hell (“I know he’s not going to buy that cute shirt — he’s going to put it down to see if it’ll go on sale even more and then it’ll sell out”). But the same thing goes for television. Formats get stale and old trappings become more and more obvious. As of late, though, some show have taken to some drastic measures to keep things fresh — completely discarding old formats and taking giant leaps in time and location.

This has been in the news a bit. The San Francisco Chronicle mentions Lost’s flash-forward trick while The Boston Globe bemoans Desperate Housewives five-year jump in time. Sometimes the change can be good, but it can also be risky. Let’s examine all of these. Or at least put them in a bulleted list.

• Lost - The flash-forward in the season three finale was the best thing that could have happened to the series. It was the pinnacle of a strong second half of a season (Nikki and Paolo! Holla!) and, most importantly, added a completely new dimension to the series. No more redundant flashbacks of Jack being mad at his Dad or Kate being on the run or Hurley being crazy and unlucky.
• Desperate Housewives – There’s no telling whether this will be a mistake or welcome change of pace. You see the last minute or two of Sunday’s was a five-year leap into the future. It hasn’t really been a secret (the cast and creators were pretty cavalier in discussing it in the press), but some of the events that took place in the finale were. Gaby has babies, Bree is a Martha Stewart-style homemaking star, Susan starts making out with Gale Harold (although, mark my words, I’m putting my money on this being a fake-out. She’s going to be an actress or conducting a sting operation or something). It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, but I’m guessing the general tone will stay the same since the cast is.
• Battlestar Galactica – This sort of counts because of the one-year flash-forward to New Caprica. It was really only a few episode-long arc and things kind of ended up back to normal after the rescue operation. Not a whole lot of risk here, more like an interesting experiment and change of scenery.
• Weeds - Last season ended with a massive fire taking out the entire city of Agrestic. Recent reports say that they are relocating the show entirely and taking out some key players: namely Heylia and Conrad. I have to admit, I love this show so much that I’m nervous — but they must know what they’re doing.

In sum, I think that huge changes like these can’t really hurt. As long as the writers are the same and the cast doesn’t change too much, the general feel of the show will be inescapable. That said, if you have a show about a high school don’t expect people to follow them to college (see Veronica Mars).

• Long Island trash: Sex and the City made me have sex at 14!
• See you in the Black Lodge: CBS is putting Twin Peaks online!
• Weeds gets another MILF
• Another story of a family who couldn’t afford their Extreme Makeover house
• Comedy Central renews Lewis Black’s show Root of All Evil for a second season
• New Dollhouse trailer:
  [kml_flashembed movie="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x5i0gv" width="425" height="335" wmode="transparent" /]
• Hipsters are (somewhat) safe! Real World house in Fort Greene, not Williamsburg
• Christian Siriano talks virtual prom
• UK survey: The atomic bomb was only a slightly more worse idea than reality TV
• Sharon Osborne to host Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
• Pics: Shots from Tifaux favorite Zooey Deschanel music video for Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
• This day in lists: 143 Simpsons continuity errors

Saturday Night Live has become the go-to place as of late for political opportunity. Political satire, of course, but also opportunity.

Like The Daily Show, it’s where campaign advisors tell candidates to go so that they can really relate to the young people. They’ll use words like “viral” and hope that young people with polo shirts will put down their Wiis long enough to shuffle to the poll on the election day.

Now that John McCain has made his appearance on SNL, we can now say that the future president of the United States will have considered the show important enough to make an appearance on. (See Barack here, see Hillary here)

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s one of the two bits that John McCain did on the season finale of SNL.

I’m really tripped up, as you may guess, by the fact that he had to discuss gaydar. It’s a term that I’m probably pretty sure doesn’t get tossed around the McCain household too much.

When he says, “Now I don’t know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this — Jamming gaydar is not a federal responsibility,” it’d be funny if it was Darrell Hammond. Or funnier, at least.

But when I saw that, I remembered this.[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/j7DHscURg3E" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

No matter how many sketch comedy shows he does or even if he does a surreal drop-in on 30 Rock, I don’t think I’d be able get past it.

Kinda surprising that Lisa would bitch about Andrew not using a required ingredient when she didn’t use the required ingredient of Polish sausage in the improv challenge. Also, how about some consistency in the judging Colicchio? If you’re gonna kick off Andrew then Lisa should have been kicked off weeks ago.

Rank based on scoring: 2 points for a win, 1 point for a Quickfire win or appearance in top, -1 point for appearance in bottom

But no news about his cats

• Spike from Top Chef is auctioning off a chance to have him cook at your house
• Speaking of Spike, did he get fired from his job and replaced by Lisa? Also his new restaurant in DC, Good Stuff Eatery, is opening soon
• The AV Club interviews Amy Sedaris
• Dwight Schrute accepts McCain’s veep offer
• LA Weekly talks to hunky Middle Eastern Telly Savales lookalike Rami Kashou
• Netflix releases thingie to stream movies to your TV
• Simpsons voice actors: Gimme money or no 20th season!
• Sci Fi channel calling all sorts of non sci-fi crap sci-fi
• E! Kristin offers up some Grey’s finale sneak peeks
• Because I love you: A gallery of really bad tattoos
• This day in lists: Top 10 celebrity pies in the face
• And finally, the difference between broadcast and HDTV:

There won’t be an installment of Ask a Lesbian About Last Week’s Work Out this week, as Jasmine is in the middle of a fast-pitch softball tournament and Sam has been feverishly planning her pot luck all week. We’ll return next week with more insights into the wild world of lesbians and their mysterious rituals.

For now, though, you’ll have to settle with a teaser for tonight’s episode. In it, Greg (one G) and Renessa get drunk and flirt. Way to go, Work Out, for charting new reality territory.

Something to keep in mind, though. When you (and I) get drunk, we’re probably just as charming as these two are. Only we don’t look as good when we jump into the hot tub fully/semi-clothed.[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/FZ0BHLmWIdo" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Another TiFaux giveaway has reached its conclusion and we have two winners to congratulate.

First of all, to refresh your memory, remember that this giveaway was of the new, special edition of 24′s first season. It’s chock full of extras and has a shiny metallic cover. Our contest this time was to name your vegetable. It didn’t start out that way, if you recall. I had posed a creative challenge to the TiFaux readership and the silence was deafening.

To be fair, though, I was just hoping that I’d have enough good stuff to put in a post so that I wouldn’t have to come up with something to write about. No such luck.

In any case, there are two winners of this giveaway. The winners were selected thusly: I wrote down all of the favorite vegetables of the entrants and sent them in an e-mail to my mom and my brother. I told them each to pick one. And that’s how I found the winners. (Strange side notes: No less than four people said asparagus, which is the only vegetable that got more than one vote. Two people said they wanted to choose kumquat, but that was a fruit.)

So, if you didn’t get picked it’s not my fault. Blame my family.

Winner number one is Mikey from Washington, D.C. He was the first person to write in with the answer of asparagus and my mom chose “asparagus #1″ from my list. Winner number two, chosen by my brother, is Joe from Maryland. Joe submitted bok choy. He is quite fancy.

In any case, congrats to our winners. Publicists, I’ll be your best friend if you keep doing giveaways with us.