The Olympics: Hotness is universal

Posted by Dan August 12th, 2008 at 12:12pm In The Olympics

Water polo: That’s what I’m talking about.

People watch the Olympics to participate in the universal phenomenon. It’s a rare show of international cooperation — a tradition that is like no other in its scale and grandeur.

Me, I watch it for the hot softcore action.

And don’t pretend you don’t either, judgey. Even people who are really interested in displays of patriotism or athleticism can’t deny that the buffness on the men and women of the Olympics is highly distracting (and, if you must know, somewhat shaming).

As such, here is a quick round-up of the absolute hottest Olympians. I’ve rated them on a scale of one to five pecs. I’m including mens sports and womens sports, although I’m just taking my best guess on the ladies. Straight guys and lesbians should feel free to pipe up and correct me or make alternate suggestions.

Men’s gymnastics – Mens gymnastics is notable for psychotic upper body strength. However, I have to take minor deductions because of the floor routines which are, frankly, not hot. (Four pecs)

Men’s water polo – My new obsession. The problem with water polo is that the players are mostly obscured by water. However, when they’re sitting on the bench (damn, that sport must be exhausting) they are probably the hottest Olympians of them all. The fact that they have to wear their silly swim caps while being otherwise almost nude only serves to make them more humble about it. (Five pecs)

Men’s rowing – Plenty hot, but infinitely boring. (Three pecs)

Women’s beach volleyball – Admittedly, you should consider the source, but I found the womens beach volleyball team way hotter than the mens. I think it might be something about how tough they are — the grit of the sand, the bare midriffs, etc. (Five pecs)

Women’s softball – If for no other reason than Jennie Finch, right? (Three pecs)