Gossip Girl: Get dirtier, bitches

Posted by sara September 16th, 2008 at 10:30am In All Things TV General Gossip Girl

So the return of Gossip Girl sneaked up on me. The end of summer seemed to barrel in like Chuck Bass on a polo pony (I … imagine), bringing with it the myriad dramas of S moping, B and her unbelievably boring (and 40-year-old) British lump, Chuck and his topless harem, Nate going all American Gigolo, that duckfaced woman from Viva Laughlin, and Lonelyboy becoming a total whore. So, to recap, that’s girls: chastity, loneliness, oatmeal-dull Brits and lifeguards; boys: whores. Everyone smile and wave to the Parents Television Council!

We were promised smut! Get on it, CW.

But whether or not I was ready to get sucked back in to Chuck’s dark world of madras and underage consumption of $15 martinis, I am there. And I’m kind of disappointed. I found the season’s first three episodes to be kind of blah. First, there was the lame-ass, underpopulated Vitamin Water–sponsored “white party,” where Little J showed up in that ugly happy hands at home mess that one of the original detectives from Law & Order: SVU rightly sneered at, then Blair’s big back to the city party was 90% social-climbing drudgery and only 10% Nate rolling around on the floor half-dressed. Seriously, Blair needs to be scheming to destroy someone (preferably: Jenny Humphrey), not trying to make herself a marquise or whatever she thinks that slab of cardboard is heir to. And where did that bizarre royal fixation come from? Blair is supposed to go to Yale and rule the frigging world! I think she could totally take on Sarah Palin. Blair would probably tell her to try a headband.

This week’s episode was supposed to be the sexiest ever, and again, I am disappointed. Although the Chuck–Blair–Lord Mopeypants triangle sort of paid off, I’m pissed at Dan for continuing to hate Serena just for who she is, and I’m continuing to hope that the ratio of characters I like to characters that make me want to die doesn’t get out of hand like it did on Grey’s Anatomy, which I had to stop watching because Bailey was the only person I didn’t want to garrote with a stethoscope. So far this season is teetering at half and half, partly because Lily is still inexplicably in Shanghai. Is she on another pilot or something?

On the like side:

On the hate side:

Oh my god, you guys, what is with the actual 10-year-old gossip groupies? They’re like a horribly over-accessorized Greek chorus! And how do these people not have central air? I am so much poorer than they are and I at least have a window unit.