Sharpen Up! The Hills

Posted by Marisa September 16th, 2008 at 11:30am In The Hills

I know this is usually Cristin’s bag, but with the way things are going this season, I just can’t stop myself from complaining about The Hills. Frankly, it’s getting to be too boring to watch—and I say that as someone who’s accustomed to show’s usual the level of nothingness. All is not lost, though. I’ve laid out a four-point plan to help sharpen the show back up.

1. They have to start acknowledging the fact that they’re on television.

MTV has this weirdly paternalistic need to shelter The Hills‘ audience from the fact that the show’s stars are rich and famous, as if knowing that Lauren Conrad was a millionaire would make her so unrelatable that people would stop watching it. MTV, you’re not fooling anybody. You make your stars dance around their own fame on the show, then people just turn off the TV and go read Us Weekly (or Forbes, apparently) about how they’re making bank and being stalked by paparazzi in real life. They don’t even have to read it in a magazine—I think that people can tell that something’s up because Lauren shows up at her “job” for like, what, an hour a week?

This has got to stop. The Hills can still be primarily about relationships between young twentysomethings, but give the audience some credit. Just once, I’d like to hear Lauren break the code and say something like, “I think Holly is being nice to me because she wants to be on the show,” or “Audrina is only my friend because a casting director made her!” We’re all thinking it anyway.

2. Heidi and Spencer need something else to do besides each other.

Spencer’s Nixonesque enemies list has so isolated them so that they’re forever doomed to bland-subplot status. Remember how, on Mr. Rogers, when everything was going great in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, that trolley would roll through and take us back to the boring real-life world where we had to go learn something in Mr. Rogers’ kitchen or something? That’s how I feel whenever I see Heidi and Spencer on screen. I want to stay in the place with the fun puppets.

I think Spencer thinks he knows what makes for good reality television (lots of conflict), but he’s too lazy to ever leave his apartment, so he has to find ways to lure people into his place so he can pick fights with them. More often than not, the person who falls for it is Heidi.

3. Lauren deserves a better antagonist.

I think Lauren is at her best when someone’s after her, or something she wants, or Stephen Colletti, and she has to choose between taking the high ground and letting it go or becoming a little bit bitchy and fighting back. No one on The Hills is giving her that challenge. Quite probably that’s because if you get on L.C.’s bad side, you’re demoted to Heidi/Spencer subplot status—if you’re lucky.

Audrina would be the perfect frenemy. She’s pretty much the anti-Lauren. She’s the only girl on the show who isn’t blonde. She’s into culture more than fashion. She dates a completely different type of douchebag. But, after their big teary reunion last week and the show’s recent focus on forgiveness, she’ll probably never become the awesome villain I want her to be. *Sigh.* It’s all up to Stephanie now, and Stephanie will probably just get lumped back in with her brother and be cast aside with the rest of the toothless rivals.

4. For the love of God, get rid of Kelly Cutrone.

Everybody acts on reality shows. Yet some people know how to get away with it, acting mostly like themselves with a little something extra for the camera, while others—mostly others of a certain age—are flat-out trying to fulfill their fantasy lives on screen. Guess which side Kelly Cutrone is on?

The most awful, defining moment for me was when Cutrone promoted Whitney. She sat Whitney down and said, “I fired Jessica” with relish. What kind of professional would announce a firing like that so publicly (I’m pretty sure it’s not legal—Jessica, put your bright-red lipstick back on and get yourself to court!), and what kind of person takes such pride in it? Someone with delusions of Devil Wears Prada, perhaps? I don’t know how you can get away with overacting on a reality show, but there she is. I’d say she should become Lauren’s antagonist, because I’d love to see how she reacts when MTV chooses Lauren over her, but, to be honest, I can’t stand looking at her. The worst part is that she’s the only representative of New York on the show. As a life-long East Coast girl I’d like to say that we’re not all fake, raving lunatics.

So, there you go. Sharpen up, The Hills, or there’s gonna be trouble!