No, Chuck. But I wish you were. Because it would be SPLENDID: You’d be like an underage Brian Kinney.

So this week on Gossip Girl: Blair is coming unhinged. Chuck is drinking whiskey at 7 a.m. Jenny is a lame, ungrateful, overweening twerp (so, um, just like every week). Dan needs Awesome Real World Experiences to write his Yale essays about (and someone whose education cost more than mine will have to illuminate me: do Ivy League schools really require fiction in their applications? Because my wee public school, um, did not) and so goes on a drugs and booze bender with Chuck. Lily got naked for Robert Mapplethorpe! And Serena looked like she was playing a zucchini in a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

I suppose it’s evident how much I hate Jenny. If the rumors of a Jenny-centered spinoff are true, I will be oddly delighted because that means this otherwise deliciously soapy show wouldn’t be wasting time on her pedestrian travails. (Maybe the expelling process is leading there?) She’s petulant, obnoxious, and as bland as a glass of milk, and while it was interesting when she was a pawn in Blair’s power games, this Project Runway–meets–All About Eve arc she has going on it just … boring. This show can’t commit a graver sin.

I kind of like Dan’s mean writing adviser (is he supposed to be the editor at the Paris Review?), mostly because he’s mean to Dan. And because he seems to be the only person on this show drunker than Chuck. Whose little-boy-lost routine is kind of endearingly passé (shades of early Doug Ross), but I am enjoying Dan’s attempts to crack through his fey, brooding shell, especially when they include bar fights and jail (OMG, the slash fiction is just writing itself). They should get a spinoff with Nate. Who is absent this episode. Probably knitting iPod cozies with Vanessa somewhere in Brooklyn.

The Fashion Week intrigue only amuses me because it means Blair is going to go supernova at some point in the near future; I can only hope it won’t be by throwing up everything she eats but by destroying everything in her path. Right now she’s being just as petulant as Jenny, and that vexes me. But now that It Is On with Serena, there ought to be some serious violence.

P.S. Does it seem odd to anyone else that the audiences for Gossip Girl and High School Musical 3 overlap? Not just that they do, but that Disney would acknowledge they do by advertising on Gossip Girl, given how there is quite deliberately no making out in HSM1 and GossipGirl.org would be a terrible influence on Troy, Gabriella and the gang. (Just think of what Chuck would do to Ryan.)

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