Gossip Girl: No one has ever tried this hard to have sex with a teenage boy. Ever. Not even Mark Foley.

Posted by sara October 28th, 2008 at 12:00pm In General Gossip Girl

I’m serious. Not even one dressed as the love child of Popeye and Liberace. Especially one dressed as the love child of Popeye and Liberace. Someone needs to tell Chuck Bass that playing hard to get is Dawson’s bag and that he and Blair are BORING when they are not clawing and rasping and hurling insults and/or sucking face.

And now to the A story: For the first time in recorded history, Nate Archibald figured something out first! Well, figured it out before the only person on this show who’s a dimmer bulb than he is: petulant skeeze-magnet Jenny Humphrey. Has any person ever deserved the good things that happen to her less? I’m thinking she’s a close second to Nicole Richie. Maybe.

Buy some matches, guv’nor?

All right. Perhaps the only person on this show I still have any respect for is Eleanor Waldorf. (And that’s only because she was in Independence Day.) Dan and Serena had the same conversation for the forty-third time (”I want to be friends!” “Well, I want to judge you!” “We can do both!” “You’re a whore.” “You’re from Brooklyn.” “I hate you!” “I hate you more!”), Vanessa pouted about last week’s abortive seduce-and-destroy storyline, and that horrible girl from The O.C. showed up.

It’s like the writers reached for their American Apparel hoodies, kicked their Chuck Taylors up on the table, took a big sip of crazy juice and thought, “What could we to do make Sara’s head explode? Yes! I’ve got it! Find someone who’s a bigger asshole than Little J!” That person would be Willa Holland, who showed up in the totally unwatchable fourth season of The OCk as monotone, unmourned Marissa Cooper’s previously missing little sister, Kaitlin. (I hate that I know her stupid name without having to look it up.) Here she was playing some sort of sullen model named Agnes who attempted to lead stupid, stupid Jenny down the Dov Charney–makes–amateur–porn primrose path. Luckily, since it would have been actual child porn if Taylor Momsen took off any more clothes, Sir Nate of Manbangs showed up to protect her slack-jawed, kohl-addled virtue. And then they made out, their two collective brain cells bouncing hormonally around their pretty little heads.

Next week: Jenny wears a shmatte and does her hair like Kenley. But Lily and Rufus join forces! I hope Lincoln Hawk makes an appearance and then goes on tour with Blur.

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