Gossip Girl: Oh shit man, Blair is legal

Posted by sara November 11th, 2008 at 12:00pm In General Gossip Girl

This episode is titled “Bonfire of the Vanity,” which is fitting, because Jenny finally learned what an unbearable scheming twat Agnes is while continuing her eyeliner tour of terror, Dan sacrificed every moral principle he ever had on the altar of Adam Moss, and Serena’s artist boyfriend wasted everybody’s time by continuing to be a manwhore. Also, everyone mocked Hazel for being single because they are vicious bitches and Blair wore a giant ruffle as a shirt.

Leeanne made this after a night on mescaline in Kitty Hawk.

Possibly the funniest thing I have seen on Gossip Girl this season was Blair chanting “GraceKellyGraceKelly GraceKelly” through her teeth as Wallace Shawn nattered on about $18 peonies. And one of the least realistic: No way does Eleanor Waldorf dig Cyndi Lauper. Blondie, yes. Cyndi, no. This week reinforced my belief that Dorota might just be the best character on this show. Not only is she the actual Cyndi fan in the penthouse, but she has the ability to throw together a fabulous rooftop party in the length of a Hampton jitney ride and, unlike Blair, she understands the critical difference between Eleanor’s paramours: The one who isn’t a closeted homosexual just might make the better partner (for a lady, that is). Blair, of course, does not get it, because Wallace Shawn is wee and vulgar and practical. Her deep, seething emotional wounds with regard to her mother, however, ensure that Blair can never let anyone be happy when she isn’t. (But seriously: Eleanor basically gave Blair a miserable eating disorder. She kind of deserved this.) Unfortunately for B, no one ever told her about getting involved in a land war in Asia. Or not to drink the cup in front of her. It’s nice that the little monster has finally met her match. Good thing death wasn’t on the line.

Over on the Dan Humphrey, Boy Reporter beat, 17-year-old Dan has apparently gotten a juicy feature assignment from New York magazine (apparently no one told Dan that print is dead), investigating Bart Bass. That right there is just a frigging genius idea, because if Bart doesn’t kill him, Chuck will. Dan’s also too stupid to realize that when you have a billionaire over a barrel, you at least make him pay for your freshman year at Yale. Christ, do I have to tell you everything, Dan?!

So Jenny still sucks. (Roommate: “No one ever told her how to be an effective emotional blackmailer, did they? You move home and play nice for a week then do whatever you want.”) After she and Agnes had a violent falling-out, complete with Agnes setting fire to all those ugly puffy dresses (HA!) while Jenny just STOOD THERE while Agnes doused them in lighter fluid and then sloooooooowly struck a whole pack of matches, Little J set out on her own, but quickly discovered that 15-year-olds aren’t allowed to sign binding business contracts and oops, she doesn’t have a place to live! Except for that gigantic loft with her permissive father! God, I am so tired of this Project Runway–meets–The Little Match Girl storyline. The only thing worse than “Jenny romps around the city footloose and gray matter–free” is “Rufus takes parenting advice from Dan.” Goddamn, Humphreys. Sack up.