Gossip Girl: In which someone finally says “I love you” to Chuck Bass

Posted by sara December 9th, 2008 at 11:00am In General Gossip Girl

Y’all, this week’s Gossip Girl was a hat trick: a funeral, a wedding, and Blair and Chuck gone nuclear. And (AND!) Blair got some actual emotional support! Dear god, this was the least ironic episode of Gossip Girl ever and I kind of don’t know where to start with it.

So. Bart is dead. Logically, his vast fortune (which Gossip Girl describes as bigger than both Trump’s and Bloomberg’s, which, um, wow) would be split between Lily and Chuck, which makes both of them go off the deep end. Bart’s PI, who as we recall knows the truth about Lily’s time in “the hospital in France” (which doesn’t sound like a sanitarium, as we’d been led to believe), tried to sell the truth to both Chuck and Lily’s mom. Violent, angry, brooding-to-the-point-of-crazy Chuckles is the one who got it, but Cece is the one who spilled the beans to Rufus just before he was planning to go away with Lily for Christmas to rekindle their hott ’90s love. The last thing Rufus said to Lily when he met her at Grand Central was “Was it a boy or a girl,” so that appears to answer the question: Lily aborted their baby. And possibly had a mental breakdown afterward. In January I guess we can look for Rufus to mope around a lot and possibly write a song about what a genetic combination of Jenny and Serena and/or Dan and Eric would have looked like.

In happier, chuppah-ier news, Eleanor and Cyrus got married! It was adorable, except for Little J shoving herself into the works and demanding to make Eleanor’s wedding clothes as some sort of make-good for being an insufferable twat the whole season. What’s she going to offer me, a haircut? But seriously, the wedding was lovely. And Cyrus offering Blair his shoulder to cry on after Chuck spurned her “I love you” was a sweet and wonderful moment that we don’t see much of on Gossip Girl.

We’re going to a barn-raising in Thailand for Passover.

Over in Statuesque Blonde Land, Aaron Rose continued to jerk Serena around like the world’s best-coiffed yo-yo. Why does that rat-faced twit insist on looking Amish at all times? It’s mean to the Amish. Since news of Bart’s death interrupted Serena and Dan’s tête-a-tête about sleeping with Aaron and Aaron’s ex, Lexi, respectively, last week, they took up where they left off, which led to Dan getting into the latest in his ongoing series of pissing contests with Aaron. Siiiiigh. And then Aaron convinced Serena to go to Buenos Aires with him for Chrismukkah, because who doesn’t go to Argentina in December?! With a high school student?! JESUS. At one point, in the car on the way to the airport, Dan called Serena because his father had just gone all icy and silent on the subject of Lily, and Aaron said, “You can answer that.” Because it’s HIS JOB TO GIVE HER PERMISSION TO ANSWER THE PHONE. God, this relationship makes me want to punch that little hipster Mennonite.

Blair and Chuck. Oh, lawd. BLAIR AND CHUCK. So Chuck made it his job to wear red eyeliner and skulk about looking up at people through his eyelashes menacingly. He called Lily a whore! And Blair’s tiny, charred heart broke and she finally told the Mad Bass that she loved him, TWICE. There was comforting! HE CRIED! And then he skipped off to god knows where, leaving only a note that said not to come looking for him. Yeah. Because the Gossip Girl writers will really get rid of Chuck Bass in this vile economic climate.

So that’s it, Gossipers and Gossipeuses, until January. I hope you enjoyed all the hijinks and lowjinks this fall. Remember: Don’t go see Bride Wars! It’s bad for humanity.