Gossip Girl: Don’t stand so close to me

Posted by sara February 3rd, 2009 at 09:30am In General

This week’s Gossip Girl commentary nearly didn’t make it to you, dear friends, as your correspondent almost chopped off the tip of her left index finger making dinner. And that would have been bad, as I need that finger to type “OMFG” properly.

It's cool, the coffee guy can be our chaperone. This is totally legit and not at all statutory rapey!

It's cool, the coffee guy can be our chaperone. This is totally legit and not at all statutory rapey!

So we returned from a week’s hiatus to find Dan getting all cozy with the elfin new teacher, Rachel, who earned Blair’s undying ire for getting Queen B sentenced to Central Park trash duty (which Dorota had to do, of course). Serena is insecure about her English paper, which is kind of adorable to see because for once it’s for a good reason rather than Dan making her feel like a useless whore. She does not appear to be an intellectual titan (although who on this show is?), so she should feel kind of unstable when treading on King Lear. He’s a tricky fucker.

OMG CHUCK AND I HAVE THE SAME AREA CODE. Chuck woke up at the beginning of the episode and immediately started having flashbacks to that time he and Whitney Port did ketamine and went to Monte Carlo. Turns out he stumbled into The Castle and had no Veronica Mars to save his candy ass. But at least he’s back in his sassy turtlenecks and ascots.

Blair. Jesus, Blair. The new teacher tried to ban cell phones at school (HA!), which quickly got Blair’s death squad to join her fight against Rachel, so the Vicious B told Gossip Girl that Rachel and Dan were doing the nasty. Which prompted Rachel to GET THE HEADMISTRESS TO EXPEL BLAIR OMFG. So what happened then, after stupid Rachel got all mopey and protesting her innocence? She met the 17-year-old student she was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with at a romantic, candlelit restaurant sexy coffee shop and proceeded to tell him she would totally give him a good rogering if only he wasn’t a student at her sister school. This, after she insisted on meeting SERENA outside, so there would be no appearance of impropriety! Good Christ that woman is dumb. Serena, of course, saw Pacey Dan wiping the tears off Ms. Jacobs’ Rachel’s face, and got the necessary photographic proof to get Blair un-expelled and therefore not booted out of Yale before she got there. Rachel got fired. I was not sad, because Rachel appears to live in Ina Garten‘s house in the Hamptons and therefore is a horrible person. Oh! And then she committed statutory rape just as the headmistress was telling Rufus and Lily she could have her job back because she’s not a sexual predator. It’s like if O. Henry had access to roofies.

(Oh, and it also bears mention that when this happened on Veronica Mars, it was Blair accusing a teacher of knocking her up and then throwing cash at her to take care of it. The circle of television!)

Nate and Vanessa don’t go to school anymore. They just have unenthusiastic sex involving costumes.

In the episode’s lone actual sad moment, Blair’s dad told her he was disappointed in what a conniving, shallow monster she is. And of course, didn’t take any responsibility for his role in helping her become such a wretched beast. Because she sprang fully formed from his head and began wreaking havoc on the Upper East Side in the fall of 2007.

Everyone seems to be in kind of an ugly place as we leave the 10023 this week. Serena and Dan are broken up again, and even though Dan got laid, he’ll probably go on a tedious, self-obsessed pity spiral when he figures out that Rachel will lose her job a second time for nailing him. Rufus and Lily clashed over punishing the kids, and Blair now has no parents whatsoever. (Oh, and I quiver to think of what’s going to happen to Nelly Yuki for betraying Blair.) Chuck is…well, Chuck is kind of the TV character embodiment of the fifth season of Alias: completely implausible even by his previously low standards of believability and surrounded by people we don’t care about. And for his sake, I hope Eric has gone to Vermont with Jonathan to toboggan and sip hot chocolate and have sexy snowball fights in matching, hand-knitted hats.

3 Comments

  • 1. Nikki  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am

    This GG totally let me down. “Chuck is kind of the TV character embodiment of the fifth season of Alias.” Dead on, Sara. Dead on.

  • 2. katie  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 am

    to be fair, vanessa never went to school. because she’s poor.

    also, i now want to tobaggan.

  • 3. sara  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Yeah, that occurred to me. But doesn’t Nate, like, want to go to college? Ever? I know senior spring semester can be a little lax, but come on. This is how you end up at SUNY downstate.


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