Hey, Lily’s back! Maybe she and her
baby bump skipping the gym because she’s having all that sex with Rufus belly can rescue the show from the doldrums of irrelevance it slipped into last week. Since Blair is having an affair with sleazy Carter, prompting Chuck to make all sorts of filthy plays on words, things look promising. And none too soon; God, Nate is tedious.
So Nate’s grandfather is a Vanderbilt and owns half of Connecticut. (That house looks like where I went to college, seriously.) For some reason, Sir Manbangs of Balsawood takes Dan and Vanessa with him to a family reunion so they can make snide remarks about being poor. Waah. And then they played football like they saw this one time when Wedding Crashers was on TBS.
Rufus and Lily are exchanging lists of people they slept with, which I think happened on Friends 10 years ago. The one page of Lily’s list that she showed him includes (and I’m wondering if this is in order, because if so, HEE): Gossip Girl‘s location manager; the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul (ew, Lily, really?); Trent Reznor; Slash; Rufus; Bart, obviously; and no one else I could discern/recognize. The rest of the list was probably people who’ve given the show good reviews and/or went to school with Josh Schwartz. And Lily wears like forty pounds of rhinestones just to sit around the house making lists of her paramours, which I find hilarious and aspire to. And really? His list fit on an index card? He was a minorly successful ’90s rock star. No groupies, Rufus? That “I was pining for youuuuuu, Lily!” excuse does not wash for me. Liar.
As Blair tried to incinerate what was left of her reputation after the horrible, appalling sin of “hazing a teacher” (seriously, there’s a box they can tick for that?) got her barred from every reputable college on the east coast, I realized I’m really tired of hearing about all these scandalous things the children did in the past that are now coming to the light/being used as leverage to blackmail people. Like Serena and whatever happened on a yacht in Santorini with Carter (um, he returned her missing magical pants?) when she was, apparently, in the sixth grade. I don’t buy this because teenagers have really short memories. No matter how devious or prettily garbed they are, most high schoolers have a hard time remembering what happened at Homecoming, much less who did a Saskatoon Snowshoe on who else over Christmas break of freshman year. And honestly, I’d like to see some of this awesome scandal ON-SCREEN. What part of “show, don’t tell” do the Gossip Girl writers not understand? I feel like I’ve been asking for real drama for, like, a YEAR. Kill someone. Knock someone up. DO SOMETHING.
Nate and Blair sleeping together is a good start, Schwartz. Yay!