You guys! Gossip Girl is back! I know, it’s been YEARS. So, when last we left the silly little dinks, Blair and Nate got back together, Serena went to Spain with Poppy Humptyhump, Dan wasn’t poor enough to go to Yale, and … Chuck tried to rape Jenny? Like seventy episodes ago, Jesus, are we still talking to that?
Cyrus and Eleanor are finally back from their six-year honeymoon! (And also, it’s Passover, so this episode is taking place two weeks ago.) Thank God, Eleanor seems to be speaking some sense, telling Blair that it’s better to go to NYU based on Cyrus’s contacts than not go to college at all because she didn’t get into the Ivy League. Eleanor is like my favorite character since Dorota has “the weekend off.” (Wait, what?! Dorota is a countess? What the shit is this?)
And Chuck! Chuck is back! He realized he’s “a 17-year-old billionaire with enormous stamina” and finally stopped pining over Blair. Which, it’s about freaking time. He’s back to banging his way through ballet dancers and synchronized swimmers, and none too soon. I sort of hate myself for even making this connection, however, but I find it hilarious that Chuck Bass had a Samantha-in-Sex-and-the-City moment when he realized he’d nailed that ballet dancer before. Oh, Chuck. There really is only a limited number of trampy women who are shorter than you are in the world, isn’t there?
Oh, goddamn stupid Dan Humphrey. I don’t remember Dawson being this unbearable, you all. So Rufus’s business is suffering because people don’t want to buy art in a recession, but he doesn’t want Dan to get a job to help pay for school (or books, or beer, or train tickets home from New Haven) because “school is [his] priority right now.” “Right now” being the height of senioritis, when he almost can’t do anything to screw up his academic legacy (except haze a teacher, apparently). Gee, Rufus. I wonder why your son is such a selfish asshole who thinks he’s too good to work as a cater waiter? Maybe because his dad is too proud to suck up to an art collector at the world’s most incoherent Seder in order to, you know, SELL SOME ART?!
In related news, Lily is all pissy at Serena for running off to Spain, in the grand tradition of hypocritically ignoring her own slutty, globetrotting past, and abdicating all responsibility for raising a feckless, inconsiderate child. (Also, Eric is apparently locked in his bedroom again.) Lily & Rufus: Meant for each other! But what she doesn’t know is completely awesome: Serena accidentally got married in Spain! Which is probably illegal and they didn’t even manage to really get married, because that’s hard to do when you’re completely blitzed on rioja and don’t speak the language, but whatever! And come on, like Lily didn’t do much worse at her age. Lily slept with Trent Reznor! And RUFUS. I’m so glad, though, that Serena’s irresponsibility gives Dan more reason to be a condescending dickhead to her. Some more.
Nate sure picked an inconvenient time to grow a spine, didn’t he? His grandfather wants him to go to Yale, but he wants to go to Columbia on his own merits (and on his own dime? I bet not), so Grandad Vanderbilt asks Blair to convince Nate to play along like a nice little crown prince, and in return Blair gets, like, his high-society stamp of approval or something. Which should come in handy since she has no education and no marketable skills. Maybe she and Jenny can start an illiterate haberdashery, or something.
I am convinced this episode was a riot for Jews who enjoy jokes about people sitting on poor Elijah. This shiksa found it funny. But not as funny as this:
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||M – Th 11p / 10c|
|Faith the Nation|
Next week: Georgina returns! And she’s been born again. That should be hysterical.