Remember that time gay marriage became legal in Iowa and Vermont and then all the Christian children across the country became gay, gay homosexuals?

Yeah, that was awesome.

You may not have seen it, but there’s a silly ad put out by the usual jokesters in the right wing called The Gathering Storm.  It’s gotten a lot of attention because of how ridiculous it is (over the top acting and rhetoric) and, thus, has become the target of a lot of inspired parodies.  There’s been an “It’s Raining Men” parody, etc.

Here’s a pretty good one, though, that features Alicia Silverstone, Jane Lynch, Lance Bass, George Takei and more.

Take a gander.

You guys! Gossip Girl is back! I know, it’s been YEARS. So, when last we left the silly little dinks, Blair and Nate got back together, Serena went to Spain with Poppy Humptyhump, Dan wasn’t poor enough to go to Yale, and … Chuck tried to rape Jenny? Like seventy episodes ago, Jesus, are we still talking to that?

Why is this time that we get back together different from all the other times?

Cyrus and Eleanor are finally back from their six-year honeymoon! (And also, it’s Passover, so this episode is taking place two weeks ago.) Thank God, Eleanor seems to be speaking some sense, telling Blair that it’s better to go to NYU based on Cyrus’s contacts than not go to college at all because she didn’t get into the Ivy League. Eleanor is like my favorite character since Dorota has “the weekend off.” (Wait, what?! Dorota is a countess? What the shit is this?)

And Chuck! Chuck is back! He realized he’s “a 17-year-old billionaire with enormous stamina” and finally stopped pining over Blair. Which, it’s about freaking time. He’s back to banging his way through ballet dancers and synchronized swimmers, and none too soon. I sort of hate myself for even making this connection, however, but I find it hilarious that Chuck Bass had a Samantha-in-Sex-and-the-City moment when he realized he’d nailed that ballet dancer before. Oh, Chuck. There really is only a limited number of trampy women who are shorter than you are in the world, isn’t there?

Oh, goddamn stupid Dan Humphrey. I don’t remember Dawson being this unbearable, you all. So Rufus’s business is suffering because people don’t want to buy art in a recession, but he doesn’t want Dan to get a job to help pay for school (or books, or beer, or train tickets home from New Haven) because “school is [his] priority right now.” “Right now” being the height of senioritis, when he almost can’t do anything to screw up his academic legacy (except haze a teacher, apparently). Gee, Rufus. I wonder why your son is such a selfish asshole who thinks he’s too good to work as a cater waiter? Maybe because his dad is too proud to suck up to an art collector at the world’s most incoherent Seder in order to, you know, SELL SOME ART?!

In related news, Lily is all pissy at Serena for running off to Spain, in the grand tradition of hypocritically ignoring her own slutty, globetrotting past, and abdicating all responsibility for raising a feckless, inconsiderate child. (Also, Eric is apparently locked in his bedroom again.) Lily & Rufus: Meant for each other! But what she doesn’t know is completely awesome: Serena accidentally got married in Spain! Which is probably illegal and they didn’t even manage to really get married, because that’s hard to do when you’re completely blitzed on rioja and don’t speak the language, but whatever! And come on, like Lily didn’t do much worse at her age. Lily slept with Trent Reznor! And RUFUS. I’m so glad, though, that Serena’s irresponsibility gives Dan more reason to be a condescending dickhead to her. Some more.

Nate sure picked an inconvenient time to grow a spine, didn’t he? His grandfather wants him to go to Yale, but he wants to go to Columbia on his own merits (and on his own dime? I bet not), so Grandad Vanderbilt asks Blair to convince Nate to play along like a nice little crown prince, and in return Blair gets, like, his high-society stamp of approval or something. Which should come in handy since she has no education and no marketable skills. Maybe she and Jenny can start an illiterate haberdashery, or something.

I am convinced this episode was a riot for Jews who enjoy jokes about people sitting on poor Elijah. This shiksa found it funny. But not as funny as this:

Next week: Georgina returns! And she’s been born again. That should be hysterical.

Those shirts are a great investment, especially for idiots like me who can’t iron to save my life.

• Another murder procedural, but this time you get to pay ten bucks for it — there may be a CSI movie.
• Does the early return of Ugly Betty mean curtains for the surprisingly cute and watchable Samantha Who?
• Ellen Pompeo is expecting a little baby scowler.
• The Chicago Tribune is launching a grassroots campaign to save Chuck.
• Sacha Baron Cohen to appear on the American Idol finale?
• A glut of quasi-stars have received reality shows (Fantasia, DJ AM), but not Michael Vick.  Thank God.
• 24 keeps pulling the same tricks over and over, but we keep watching.
• Variety: Taking a cue from Lost, Heroes should really consider an end date.

Yeah, we’re not effing around this time.

In conjunction with the beginning of season three of The Tudors, we’re giving away the show’s first two seasons. The show (which airs on Showtime Sundays at 9 p.m.) has already started up, but you can watch the season premiere on YouTube by clicking here.

Truthfully, I’m just beginning to watch the show, but it seems to be good bodice-ripping fun. And if there half as many hot naked people in the show as there are on the season three poster, it should be worth sticking with.

I’m trying to figure out if Jonathan Rhys Meyers is as swoon-worthy as folks are trying to make him out to be. I’m not sold on him yet, although maybe you have to watch him in action to get that tyrannical intensity.

Also, check out this blog which takes a decidedly non-stuffy approach to the show.

To win the DVDs, e-mail tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com with the subject line “Nudity throne.”

Delicious though it may be, it’s rarely a good idea.

• Praise the lord — SAG has reached an agreement with the studios. So no strike.
• You can now watch The Unusuals twice a week.
• Will Mary Louise Parker kill Weeds by leaving after season six?
• They’re promising big things for the Grey’s Anatomy season finale.
• Time: The Mentalist is a hit because there’s absolutely nothing remarkable about it.
• Jessica Simpson and Britney Spear = the new Laverne and Shirley?
• Sanjaya, Janice Dickinson, DOG the Bounty Hunter and a bunch of other ridiculous people are going to be on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
• And Kenneth the Page fills in for Tracy Jordan on Ask Tracy.

Buzz took a look back at some of the best engagements (some broken, some still going strong) of the past TV season. (BuzzSugar)

This week, Sandie spoke with Eric Lange better known as Radzinsky on Lost about what is coming up for his character, his career, and more. (Daemon’s TV)

There really is no reason to debate if Friday Night Lights is the best show currently on television, instead after seeing the third season finale, it may be time to debate if it was the best show this decade. (Scooter McGavin’s 9th Green)

Vance seriously can’t get enough of the trailers for the new FOX musical TV show Glee. (Tapeworthy)

This week, Jace took an early look at HBO’s Grey Gardens, a dramatized version of the cult 1973 documentary film, which stars Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange as Big Edie and Little Edie Beale. (Televisionary)

Jesse took issue with the tired old re-hashed formulas employed by the SNL folks on the most recent Zac Efron-hosted debacle. (TiFaux)

This week, theTVaddict.com is your source for Paley Festival ’09 coverage with reports from DR. HORRIBLE, THE BIG BANG THEORY, THE MENTALIST, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, PUSHING DAISIES and BATTLESTAR GALACTICA/ CAPRICA (The TV Addict)

Listen. We need to talk about your porn habit. It’s getting a little, well, weird.

I understand the first part. Isabella Rossellini is beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to see her star in a dirty Internet video? So, when you saw a link that said Green Porno, and saw her name attached to it, I can’t blame you for clicking.

Also, I realize that penises in porn movies are supposed to be comically large. But, seriously, some of the ones in those videos are bigger than she is. It’s not just that they’re scarily oversize, they’re…not human. Then…Oh God. Is she dressed like a whale, with a six-foot whale erection? She is! And she’s totally boning that lady-whale GOOD GOD THIS IS STRANGE.

I must admit, there’s something oddly adorable about the way she, while dressed as a pile of sexually amorphous limpets gettin’ it on, triumphantly shouts, “We’re sequential hermaphrodites!” I’ll also allow that it’s easy to get sucked in, with each of these little videos taking less than two minutes (much less, if you skip the credits). And sure, people only watch nature documentaries to catch glimpses of animals doin’ it, so there must be something compelling about a series devoted to undersea animals getting their grooves back.

But, really, can’t you just watch PornHub like everyone else?

No?

Well, then, the second season of Green Porno is currently streaming on The Sundance Channel.

My friend Andrew has described Julie Doiron’s first album as “really good, but emotionally devastating.” Much of her work has to do with the break-up of her marriage, written in very plain prose.

But I haven’t been able to stop listening to her new album, I Can Wonder What You Did With Your Day, which has equal parts naive idealism and bruised cynicism. Her music often seems like it’s folk music with electric instruments, like the song below called Heavy Snow.

If you really want the best track on the album, though, you’ll download the first single (here for free!) called “Consolation Prize.” It’s a breezy, distorted break-up anthem for the ages.

The clip I’m linking to below is the sort of emotional pornography best left for made-for-television custody battle melodramas or tearfully exploitative episodes of Extreme Home Makeover.

But, for whatever reason, I’m feeling particularly maudlin today.  So here goes.

Below, find an audition from the UK version of America’s Got Talent — entitled Britain’s Got Talent. I’m not sure which actually came first (probably the UK version — it always seems to work out that way), but I’m not sure either country really wants to claim it. The three judges are Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and hot English woman.

The following audition is from a plain-looking middle-aged woman who is a self-professed virginal cat lady. When she comes on stage, the audience clearly expects her to fail miserably — like the ridiculously cruel first few episodes of every season of American Idol.

She doesn’t.

Click here to watch it.