We have hit a new low: Rufus actually called his kids part of “the Gossip Girl generation.” Shut up, Rufus. Further proof that Gossip Girl can be summed up in one-liners, Chuck to Nate: “I don’t know how many times we need to have this conversation.” Seriously, show. Look, the Serena-in-jail stuff is just so ludicrous that it makes my face hurt. The only thing worse is Brittany Snow shoveling heaps of exposition onto Andrew McCarthy in the execrable Beverly Hills Upper East Side flashback scenes. Ugh.
I think we can all agree that Lily is awesome. She and Eric are basically the only things left about this show that don’t make me want to stick hot forks in my eyes and ears. But teenage Lily is an asshole. God, I hope Nikki Finke is right about the spinoff being dead on arrival.
Oh, look, there’s No Doubt.
I will give the producers minor, minor, tiny little props for recycling Veronica Mars cast members and telling Ryan Hansen to call someone his lady. Because he says it with such relish and it reminds me of a better, sweeter, LESS FUCKING BORING time on the CW. (Oh my God. I actually miss Dick Casablancas. I’m going to go gargle with bleach now.) Okay, I take it back: cast member, singular. Because Gia is still annoying as fuck.
And then everyone went to prom and Nelly Yuki said, so truthinessily, “Yeah, because if you do this stuff in college, people think you’re pathological.” Nelly, we already think you’re all pathological. Then Serena took her clothes off in a cab and got lockjaw, because, ew, and Dan is an idiot who didn’t bring her a bra with her prom dress. Egad, honey. Those cans need underwire.
Even Leighton Meester can’t sell a line like “this is supposed to be the happiest day in high school.” She played her entire dancing-with-Nate scene like she’d recently been tranquilized and had her jaw wired shut, which is something I wish the producers would do to so many other people on this show, but not Blair. I feel duty-bound to point out, though, as someone who has both kinds, that even if Rufus and Lily get married, Dan and Serena will not be half-siblings. They’ll be step-siblings, like Cher and Josh. Half-siblings share blood. Step-siblings can bang, although it’s a little creepy, even if it is California, not Kentucky. Clear, Gossip Girl writers? Don’t make me take off my belt.