This week on Gossip Girl: Graduation! And Cyrus came back! I bet you can guess which I am more excited about. I’d like to know whose idea the green robes on the girls and blue on the boys was. Because that shit was ugly. But I can honestly say I’ve never loved Gossip Girl herself so much as on this episode, when she finally effing called it like it was. Oh snap, Kristen Bell.

And a friend's a friend forever...

So Gossip Girl flamed all the major characters during graduation, and the hideous four set out to find out who that nefarious slag is. And it was ERIC’S BOYFRIEND JONATHAN OMG. Oh wait, it’s not. Damn. That would be awesome, but it wouldn’t explain last season’s outings.

And then Jenny and Blair’s wretched former minions had a deeply ridiculous conversation about how they’re going to choose a new “Queen.” Yeah, because people talk like that. I hate Jenny so much. Why are we talking about Anne Boleyn?! Where is Jonathan Rhys Meyers? I’m so confused.

Nate’s party: Nelly loves Dan. Jenny knows that Blair slept with Uncle Jack Bass and plans to use that to become the Marquess de Constance, or whatever the fuck. So then Gossip Girl did a full season recap, which was kind of amazing. And then Blair asked Dan, “What do you know about anything?” Which was great. Because FINALLY.

And then Rufus and Lily stopped acting like morons and got engaged. And Gossip Girl is no one and everyone is going to NYU and Serena and Dan’s creepy not-dead half-brother showed up and Blair neutered Chuck with a box of French macaroons and this IS SO FUCKING STUPID, MAN. Eff this noise. I’m on vacation.