Zach Galifianakis’ Web series Between Two Ferns has returned, this time featuring one of the elite women who I’ve added to my list of “Would totally make out with if the situation was right and I had a bit of a buzz.”

Here’s Zach interviewing Natalie Portman (and featuring her dog Whiz). It occurs to me that this series sort of resembles a modern-day version of The Chris Farley Show sketch on SNL. Only instead of Farley’s awkward, flustered enthusiasm, Galifianakis gives us awkward, sleazy absurdism.

We have hit a new low: Rufus actually called his kids part of “the Gossip Girl generation.” Shut up, Rufus. Further proof that Gossip Girl can be summed up in one-liners, Chuck to Nate: “I don’t know how many times we need to have this conversation.” Seriously, show. Look, the Serena-in-jail stuff is just so ludicrous that it makes my face hurt. The only thing worse is Brittany Snow shoveling heaps of exposition onto Andrew McCarthy in the execrable Beverly Hills Upper East Side flashback scenes. Ugh.

This is a hate crime made of fabric.

I think we can all agree that Lily is awesome. She and Eric are basically the only things left about this show that don’t make me want to stick hot forks in my eyes and ears. But teenage Lily is an asshole. God, I hope Nikki Finke is right about the spinoff being dead on arrival.

Oh, look, there’s No Doubt.

I will give the producers minor, minor, tiny little props for recycling Veronica Mars cast members and telling Ryan Hansen to call someone his lady. Because he says it with such relish and it reminds me of a better, sweeter, LESS FUCKING BORING time on the CW. (Oh my God. I actually miss Dick Casablancas. I’m going to go gargle with bleach now.) Okay, I take it back: cast member, singular. Because Gia is still annoying as fuck.

And then everyone went to prom and Nelly Yuki said, so truthinessily, “Yeah, because if you do this stuff in college, people think you’re pathological.” Nelly, we already think you’re all pathological. Then Serena took her clothes off in a cab and got lockjaw, because, ew, and Dan is an idiot who didn’t bring her a bra with her prom dress. Egad, honey. Those cans need underwire.

Even Leighton Meester can’t sell a line like “this is supposed to be the happiest day in high school.” She played her entire dancing-with-Nate scene like she’d recently been tranquilized and had her jaw wired shut, which is something I wish the producers would do to so many other people on this show, but not Blair. I feel duty-bound to point out, though, as someone who has both kinds, that even if Rufus and Lily get married, Dan and Serena will not be half-siblings. They’ll be step-siblings, like Cher and Josh. Half-siblings share blood. Step-siblings can bang, although it’s a little creepy, even if it is California, not Kentucky. Clear, Gossip Girl writers? Don’t make me take off my belt.

"What? This old thing?"

It’s like wanting an Oreo and getting Hydrox.

The Fashion Show landed on Thursday and, despite the fact that it isn’t Project Runway, it still pretty much looked, sounded and felt the same way. And, although I have no basis for saying this, I’m sure it tasted the same too.

The show filled a need — that specific place on Maslow’s hierachy reserved for competitive reality shows about fashion. It’s all good fun and will certainly provide consistent entertainment for its duration. Is Project Runway going to turn out to be the superior product? Most likely. The Tim Gunn factor, the fact that the judges only show up at the end of the show, and the less self-conscious vibe all bode in PR’s favor.

Isaac Mizrahi didn’t necessarily annoy me in the way I expected — he never really bullshat any of the contestants with false praise. Instead, he seemed to relish the opportunity to tell the designers that their garments sucked ass. He even added a little acid to his own personal “auf wiedersen” — which is something along the lines of “We just don’t buy your outfit.”

Kelly Rowland, while she didn’t embarass herself, also didn’t have a lot to say (her comments tended to be a bit obvious). Ms. Rowland, star 2003′s Freddy Vs. Jason, tried to justify her presence by saying she goes to fashion shows all the time — which wasn’t really a convincing argument, but I think most viewers have already accepted her as something we’ll have to deal with. She did, however, briefly redeem herself with a sassy aside (that I pray wasn’t written for her) where she said she’d need “butter and a miracle” to fit into one of the tiny dresses one contestant made.

The contestants on The Fashion Show seem to be pulled from the same pools as Project Runways — they all have a heightened sense of self-confidence and bloated sense of the importance of fashion. The most flamboyant contestant is Merlin, a Honduran gay who shows up wearing a red cape and feather-festooned fez. He could be one of the most recent entries into the line of reality contestant that hopes to gain a cult of personality through his over-the-top antics. I’m pretty sure he’ll enjoy a fleeting burst of fame, but reality show fame is generally a one-way ticket to personal appearances at Six Flags.

Other contestants include the young, overconfident blonde Kristin; the young, overconfident brunette Daniella; two guys named Johnny (one of whom was the first person eliminated); and the nervous, yet endearing James-Paul.

Justin Timberlake has become sort of the Paul Simon of this decade on SNL — their go-to musician whose music would not necessarily imply an affinity for sketch comedy silliness. If future generations won’t quite assume he was an actual cast member, as many people do with Steve Martin, they may at least overestimate the number of times he hosted (three so far) based on his many non-hosting appearances, and the fanfare that accompanies his actual full-fledged episodes. He’s become one of the show’s big guns — like Alec Baldwin, but way more likely to attract and excite audiences who don’t necessarily watch SNL all that much. As the show winds down its thirty-fourth season, it’s only natural that Timberlake would be brought in for May sweeps. It’s less natural that this would be one of the worst episodes of the season.

But first, a brief history of Timberlake on SNL.

Inspired by the Bones/Family Guy crossover, Buzz dreamed up some other funny TV crossovers she’d love to see — complete with goofy photoshopping! (BuzzSugar)

When Scooter took a look at the new NBC shows, he noticed there were a lot of people behinds the scenes of them that had Friday Night Lights or Arrested Development on their resumes. Hopefully that is a good thing. (Scooter McGavin’s 9th Green)

The Tony Award nominations are out and while it’s about Broadway Theatre, the show is still on TV, so Vance gives his two cents on this years picks.(Tapeworthy)

This week, Jace reviewed the first two episodes of Showtime’s sensational new comedy Nurse Jackie, starring Edie Falco, which launches in June. (Televisionary)

Whether it’ll stick around remains to be seen, but Marisa wants to have the (almost) final word on Dollhouse. (TiFaux)

Eric was lucky enough to interview Cassidy Freeman just a week before the Smallville season finale. (TV Fanatic)

This week, the TV Addict offered up his snap judgements on NBC’s new fall offerings. (The TV Addict)

Warning: The post is filled with Lost spoilers.

A list of characters I remember who have died on Lost:

Alex (shot by Keamy)
Leslie Arzt (blew up)
Mikhail Bakunin (speared)
Boone Carlyle (falling death)
Michael Dawson (‘sploded)
Naomi Dorrit (knifed)
Mr. Eko (monster mashed)
Daniel Faraday (killed by mom)
Paulo & Nikki (razzle-dazzle)
Neil “Frogurt” (flaming arrow)
Scott Jackson (or was that Steve?)
Keamy (shot by Ben)
Charlotte (unstuck in time)
Claire Littleton (maybe?)
Ana Lucia & Libby (shot by Michael)
Joanna Miller (pointlessly drowned)
Nathan (neck snapped by Goodwin)
Seth Norman (monster snack)
Charlie Pace (hero’s death)
Ethan Rom (shot for revenge)
Danielle Rousseau (ambushed)
Shannon Rutherford (shot by Ana Lucia)
Goodwin Stanhope (impaled by Ana Lucia)

That’s not counting all of the Oceanic and Ajira passengers that didn’t make it through the crashes to begin with, anonymous Others who died in random shootouts,  everybody else on the freighter, passers-by who were killed by Lost characters in their adventures off the island, people who seem to have dissipated into thin air (Rose? Bernard? Vincent?), or any of the people in the Lostpedia list that I’ve barely heard of.

So, when Jack asks Kate for one good reason why he shouldn’t detonate a hydrogen bomb, the correct answer is, “Because you’re going to kill the few of us that are left.” Not, “Because then we never would have met.” I’m sorry, Kate. Your pissy, on-again, off-again romance with Jack is not worth the life of one Frogurt, let alone someone like Boone (who, we all remember, is God’s Friggin Gift to Humanity). I’d want to set off the bomb just to stop you from whining.

No, I will not talk to the hand, Kate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I understand some of you may be having a difficult week (all of this waiting for Star Trek is killing me). To assuage that, I present, without comment, Nathan Fillion in a kilt.

At some point in the future I will write about Castle. For now just know that I am enjoying it.

Tonight marks the premiere of The Fashion Show — Bravo’s Screw-You-Lifetime-We’ll-Just-Make-The-Same-Show-With-Isaac-Mizrahi response to the loss of Project Runway.

Clearly, since it’s been twelve years since the last season of Project Runway (remember? LeAnn? Crazy Kenley?), this will basically be catnip for all of us who feel deprived from the couture as competition genre. Unless you’re super-hardcore and acquired Project Runway Canada or Australia. But I’ll definitely be watching, since I’m sure it’ll be made with the same high production values and basic structure. Sounds pretty hard to screw up — but we’ll see what happens.

I have to admit — I’m already prepared to be annoyed by Isaac Mizrahi. From my experience watching his various talk shows and seeing him in every corner of television, I’m a little put-off by his enthusiasm for absolutely everything. With his talk show guests, he’s always so effusive that it makes it all the more obvious he’s just a fantastic bullshitter. It’s a sort of fakery that is a little milder and less catty than Jonathan Adler on Top Design.  But, then again, his job is to serve as a critic on this show — so hopefully there’ll be none of that schmooziness.

Also, Kelly Rowlands (formerly of Destiny’s Child) is on board as a host and judge, although I’m not sure what qualifies her — other than being hot and friends with Beyonce.

Here’s a clip of some contestants trying to make MC Hammer pants and then some dude poising himself to become this season’s villain. Unless he gets cut in the first episode, which seems entirely possible.

The show is on Bravo at 10 p.m.

I’m here. I’m queer. I’ll claw your face off.

• Pop quiz. Keifer Sutherland has been charged with: a DUI, assault, marijuana possession, hit and run. Click here to find out.
• Oprah causes a riot with chicken.
• The American Idol stage manager had a severe fall before the show.
• US Weekly says that Jon (of And Kate Plus 8 fame) is definitely up to no good.
• Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin: political conservatives?
• David Cross talks about his new web series Pilot Season.
• Study: Watching softcore on Cinemax can lead to pregnant teens.
• A defense of freelance joke writers.
• Michelle Obama is ridiculously excited about her spot on Sesame Street.
• The AV Club talks to the creator of Scrubs.

Hooray! According to Variety, The Office’s Mindy Kaling has signed a deal with NBC to develop her own comedy while simultaneously working on The Office.

Variety reports:

Under terms of the two-year, seven-figure deal, Kaling will continue to write for and appear on “The Office” next season while simultaneously developing a comedy in which she would also star.

“This is my first step in a Transformers-style way to take over the whole world,” Kaling quipped. “I’ve only ever worked for NBC, and I’ve felt an enormous amount of support from the executives there.”

…

Kaling, who notes that her time at “The Office” has been akin to going through “the Greg Daniels Graduate School of Writing,” said her tastes now skew in the single-camera comedy direction — but that she isn’t opposed to writing a multicamera laffer.

In kicking around different development ideas, Kaling said she’s drawn to workplace comedies but is also interested in buddy shows in the vein of “Flight of the Conchords.”

“I’ve always wanted to do another show about women,” said Kaling, whose past credits include writing the WB pilot “Mindy and Brenda,” along with Brenda Withers, for Carsey-Werner and Steve Martin. That project was about two female best friends straight out of college.