So Law & Order: SVU is kind of batshit crazy lately. They were four different kinds of ripped-from-the-headlines last week, and this week…oh my GOD. Let’s discuss.

Last week, Benson and Stabler took on a Gloucester, MA–style pregnancy pact, only because it’s SVU, they had to start off with a homeless man who’d been castrated and set on fire. Fantastic! Turns out he was castrated and set on fire because he knocked up a high school girl, and her older brother thought that the crispy critter raped his sister. But not so! She wanted a baby! Because her friend got pregnant and being pregnant is, like, awesome. Just ask my friend Suzy, it’s all vomiting and people thinking you’re fat and surreptitiously growing a penis inside of you.

And you thought the only flamers at NBC Universal were over on Bravo. Shame on you.

From the friends-who-tell-friends-to-get-pregnant, the detectives embarked on another of their Awesome Adventures in Hip-Hop. Which are ALWAYS BAD IDEAS. Look, I know the people behind SVU think they can get away with storylines involving rappers and that subculture because they cast Ice-T, who once upon a time was a real rapper, but, um, they cannot. In last week’s episode, this adventure in alternate job choices included casting one of the kids from Sleepers as a wannabe rapper whose mission in life is, and I quote, “Wreckin’ decks and gettin’ sex.” …Yes. That part was lame.

Here’s my question for the week: Have the teenage characters on Gossip Girl always been, like, 35? Or 52? Because this week Blair wore a blouse I swear my mom owns, and Serena’s artist beau confessed that he’s a teetotaler and passive-aggressived that she should be, too (which, as Sars just mentioned, is bad for your relationship! Duh!). And Bart Bass dabbled in gay teenage romance, which I guess makes him kind of like a warped Emma Woodhouse. It’s starting to seem like Rufus and Jenny Humphrey are the only teenagers on this show. Oh, and the Captain. He’s about at Jenny’s maturity level with his whole let’s-run-off-to-Dominica! gambit. Tell me the TSA can’t identify Fake New York’s most-wanted financial fugitive when he comes through JFK?

It’s a good think I’m not a van der Woodsen, because on Thanksgiving I like to wear elastic-waist pants.

So Nate and Vanessa and Eric all returned this week, to varying results. I’m still not Vanessa’s #1 Biggest Fan, because I’m jealous of her hair and because everything she says makes me want to take a cheese grater to my ears. But mostly because she seems to hover halfway between earnest do-gooder and devious schemer, and the result is that she’s not very good at either. Nate’s eyebrows did the lion’s share of the heavy lifting this week as his father returned and declared that the nest egg he stole from his clients bought a lovely house on a Caribbean island where the Captain, Anne, and Nate can all live in delightful criminal exile. Except that the Captain is planning on kidnapping his wife and child for ransom? Or something? Since the Captain came up with it, it was a shit plan. Nate, being the only person on this show (other than Eric) with a moral compass, thinks that’s a terrible idea! Because then, how will Hogwarts Yale know where to find him when they send their acceptance letter tied to a unicorn’s horn?!

Eric finally got an AWESOME storyline. After Bart slithered in and revealed that Eric’s gentleman friend might be poking his swim captain (so the Gossip Girl writers are penning their own slashfic now?), Chuck revealed that both he and Bart keep a private investigator on retainer. I am choosing to believe that this PI is Veronica Mars. And then Chuck let Eric into Bart’s Safe of Magical Spy Tricks, where he grabbed both his and Serena’s files. What will we learn next? That Serena actually killed someone at boarding school? That Eric is the product of Lily’s second marriage, to Daniel Craig? That Nate and Serena are ACTUALLY SIBLINGS OMG?! No, juicier: That Lily was institutionalized as a teenager for as-yet undisclosed mental-health issues and she didn’t tell her son about it when he tried to kill himself even though that would have, maybe, I guess, helped. But Eric is a wise little elf who is incapable of holding grudges, although that seems to be more an evolutionary flaw of the younger van der Woodsen generation than a strength, because mark my words, S, this will end in TEARS. Or blood and fire. One of those.

P.S. The delightful Aliya won our Gossip Girl giveaway from a few weeks ago. So the DVD, soundtrack, and SUPER AWESOME BOARD GAME will be going to Aliya’s house, since she had the best answer to Never Have I Ever: “Voted for Sarah Palin.” Brava, patriot! Watch in good health.

When Marisa asked me to write about music videos for TRL’s last week, I contemplated my fraught relationship with the art form. I was a delayed arrival to pop culture, to say the least (I was still listening to the oldies station until eighth grade), and tended toward pretty safe mainstream choices. I’m not actually sure if any of these, other than “I Want It That Way,” were on TRL, but they’re each vivid musical memories. Unlike the bongo-accompanied rendition of the Foo Fighters’ “Learn to Fly” that’s currently emanating from beneath my living-room floorboards.

Backstreet Boys

This is really the only one of these videos that I distinctly remember watching on TRL, and it was at an embarrassingly late age, too, because this video was on TRL during the only period in my high school career when I would have been at home at 3 o’clock in the afternoon to watch: Just before and after graduation. Yes, I was watching the Backstreet Boys (semi-obsessively, too), at the age of nearly 18. I am ashamed of that. But not too ashamed not to write about it on a website read by tens of people.

NSYNC

My friend Lisa actually taught herself this dance (without the help of Darrin’s Dance Grooves! I don’t think she slept when we were sophomores) and performed it, repeatedly, in our newspaper office very late at night. She’s a lawyer now. And I recall watching a making-of show on MTV that went into great detail about how the boys’ oh-so-realistic doll façades were accomplished. I think shellac was involved. Damn, they sold a lot of CDs. Back when people (other than Jesse) bought CDs. Eight years ago.

Daft Punk

I did not realize Michel Gondry directed this! In high school, my friend Andrew used “Around the World” as the curtain-call music for the short play he directed (the cast was affectionately referred to as the Denver Nuggets because they had so little chance of winning the county-wide short play competition they entered that year) and at the end of the show, the whole cast just grooved for a couple of minutes. At one point the Fresh Prince dance was involved. No, not that one. The other one.

Madonna

So when I was at church music camp in 1995, we were informed in one seminar that the Catholic Church had banned “Like a Prayer.” We were Presbyterians, so we went ahead and watched it and talked about the imagery. I, of course, mainly recognized Leon from Cool Runnings and wondered what was up with the burning crosses. (I was a sheltered 14-year-old.)

The Cardigans

I was fifteen when Romeo + Juliet came out. And like every other teenage girl in those years, I absolutely loved this song, totally thought it was about my imaginary relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio, and wondered what sort of horrifying chemical contact lenses would be required to turn my eyes that color. And then there was the rest of the soundtrack, which introduced me to Garbage, Radiohead, Prince, and drag. If Australia has half the impact on me this movie did, it’ll be the greatest film of the last five years.

And one more…Oasis.

This is my very favorite song. And I like the video because it looks like the Rankin-Bass version of The Hobbit, and because visually, it feels lonely. The song has always felt like the opposite of loneliness to me, and I dig the contradiction. Also, I think Liam totally walks like that.

This was the last segment of Keith Olbermann’s show last night. Two of my favorite people, plus that baby and his adorable, fat little face? This is great live TV, y’all.

This episode is titled “Bonfire of the Vanity,” which is fitting, because Jenny finally learned what an unbearable scheming twat Agnes is while continuing her eyeliner tour of terror, Dan sacrificed every moral principle he ever had on the altar of Adam Moss, and Serena’s artist boyfriend wasted everybody’s time by continuing to be a manwhore. Also, everyone mocked Hazel for being single because they are vicious bitches and Blair wore a giant ruffle as a shirt.

Leeanne made this after a night on mescaline in Kitty Hawk.

Possibly the funniest thing I have seen on Gossip Girl this season was Blair chanting “GraceKellyGraceKelly GraceKelly” through her teeth as Wallace Shawn nattered on about $18 peonies. And one of the least realistic: No way does Eleanor Waldorf dig Cyndi Lauper. Blondie, yes. Cyndi, no. This week reinforced my belief that Dorota might just be the best character on this show. Not only is she the actual Cyndi fan in the penthouse, but she has the ability to throw together a fabulous rooftop party in the length of a Hampton jitney ride and, unlike Blair, she understands the critical difference between Eleanor’s paramours: The one who isn’t a closeted homosexual just might make the better partner (for a lady, that is). Blair, of course, does not get it, because Wallace Shawn is wee and vulgar and practical. Her deep, seething emotional wounds with regard to her mother, however, ensure that Blair can never let anyone be happy when she isn’t. (But seriously: Eleanor basically gave Blair a miserable eating disorder. She kind of deserved this.) Unfortunately for B, no one ever told her about getting involved in a land war in Asia. Or not to drink the cup in front of her. It’s nice that the little monster has finally met her match. Good thing death wasn’t on the line.

Over on the Dan Humphrey, Boy Reporter beat, 17-year-old Dan has apparently gotten a juicy feature assignment from New York magazine (apparently no one told Dan that print is dead), investigating Bart Bass. That right there is just a frigging genius idea, because if Bart doesn’t kill him, Chuck will. Dan’s also too stupid to realize that when you have a billionaire over a barrel, you at least make him pay for your freshman year at Yale. Christ, do I have to tell you everything, Dan?!

So Jenny still sucks. (Roommate: “No one ever told her how to be an effective emotional blackmailer, did they? You move home and play nice for a week then do whatever you want.”) After she and Agnes had a violent falling-out, complete with Agnes setting fire to all those ugly puffy dresses (HA!) while Jenny just STOOD THERE while Agnes doused them in lighter fluid and then sloooooooowly struck a whole pack of matches, Little J set out on her own, but quickly discovered that 15-year-olds aren’t allowed to sign binding business contracts and oops, she doesn’t have a place to live! Except for that gigantic loft with her permissive father! God, I am so tired of this Project Runway–meets–The Little Match Girl storyline. The only thing worse than “Jenny romps around the city footloose and gray matter–free” is “Rufus takes parenting advice from Dan.” Goddamn, Humphreys. Sack up.

On this week’s Gossip Girl, B and S had tea with a friend of the Yale dean (Jesus, Blair, just go to Stanford like Jessie for Chrissake) who only had eyes for Serena. In an effort to get Blair (who was dressed like one of the Rockettes) into the lady’s good graces, Serena told Mrs. Eli McCheatsalot that Blair would take her adorbs daughter to the movies and maybe having a Hogwarts-style gallivant through Central Park. Except that wee Emma is a total screaming wannabe ho-bag. So Blair, Serena, and Chuck spent the night chasing after a very dirty version of Eloise. Serena, meanwhile, was still distracted by the twerpy kaffiyeh-wearing artist from last week, who has ladies all over him. Figures.

Cheer up, Rufus. You’re a terrible father, but at least you’re pretty.

Over on the Little J Sucks So Much Show, Nate and Jenny made out some more and it ended up on GossipGirl.net (is it me, or has the namesake website kind of fallen by the wayside lately? We haven’t seen much of it since those three little ponies of the apocalypse told Dan and Serena whose team they were on in episode 3. It’s like if your loyal TiFaux editors started watching shit live) so of course Dan found out. And then Vanessa found out and gave Nate her I’m-so-disappointed-in-you eyes (which doesn’t make a damn bit of sense because she knows that he was sleeping with the Marquise of Duckface like, a month ago). And they found out because Jenny and that dreadful moddle twat from last week, Agnes, decided to crash Lily and Bart’s philanthropic honor shindig with an electroclash “guerrilla fashion show.” Because 15-year-old Jenny is starting her own fashion line. Made entirely of things Kenley would have dismissed for having too much tulle. Barf.

Michael Kors says this looks like she’s been disemboweled.

It’s an actual fact that I am too old for this show, but I don’t usually feel it as acutely as I did this week, especially during the fashion show (it helps to say that in the voice Sandi from Daria used to say “Fashion Club”), which Vanessa and Nate appeared to find daring and outré but I thought was childish and destructive. And loud. Turn that shit down, you brats! Oh wait, that’s my TV. Dammit. See, Rufus and I have lots of things in common. We both can’t play the guitar. We both think Jenny’s a spoiled brat. We both need a haircut. We both adore Lily. We should be friends. Call me, Rufus. I will make you an adjective again!

Also, did Blair call someone named Muffy a “lacrosse-stitute”? Because that is both awesome and gross. And this episode was titled “There Might Be Blood,” which makes me feel totally ripped off. I saw no one drinking anyone’s milkshake!

Next week: Jenny becomes a homeless crackhead? Ugh. Is it too much to ask for Kristen Bell to show up in the flesh and show these fools how it’s done?

This video made me very sad. So I’d like to remind all of you who have the chance to vote down the various horrible, divisive ballot measures that will be before you next Tuesday to do so. Californians, that’s no on 8. Arizonians, no on 102. Floridians, no on the Marriage Protection Amendment. Arkansans, no on the adoption ban.

Basically, the world sucks right now. How about everybody votes not to limit the civil rights of people in love and the capability of loving parents to foster and adopt children in need of families? As Dionne Warwick reminds us, the world needs love. The economy needs it, too.

It’s not often that I’m sincere. So, um, pay attention. Vote. My roommate and I will send you an “I Voted” button if you want one. Thanks.

YOU GUYS, THIS IS AWESOME.

Barack Obama is going to be on The Daily Show tomorrow.

And my roommate points out that tomorrow is also when Friday Night Lights airs, so within two and a half hours we get Coach, Tim Riggins, Barack Obama, and Jon Stewart.

All I’m saying is I’m going to need a cigarette.

ETA: Barack will be appearing via satellite. Which makes sense, because New York is the farthest thing from a swing state (a monkey bars state?), but I’m a little disappointed. I guess I’ll have to drown my sorrows in Matt Saracen’s sad, adorable eyes.

I’m serious. Not even one dressed as the love child of Popeye and Liberace. Especially one dressed as the love child of Popeye and Liberace. Someone needs to tell Chuck Bass that playing hard to get is Dawson’s bag and that he and Blair are BORING when they are not clawing and rasping and hurling insults and/or sucking face.

And now to the A story: For the first time in recorded history, Nate Archibald figured something out first! Well, figured it out before the only person on this show who’s a dimmer bulb than he is: petulant skeeze-magnet Jenny Humphrey. Has any person ever deserved the good things that happen to her less? I’m thinking she’s a close second to Nicole Richie. Maybe.

Buy some matches, guv’nor?

All right. Perhaps the only person on this show I still have any respect for is Eleanor Waldorf. (And that’s only because she was in Independence Day.) Dan and Serena had the same conversation for the forty-third time (”I want to be friends!” “Well, I want to judge you!” “We can do both!” “You’re a whore.” “You’re from Brooklyn.” “I hate you!” “I hate you more!”), Vanessa pouted about last week’s abortive seduce-and-destroy storyline, and that horrible girl from The O.C. showed up.

It’s like the writers reached for their American Apparel hoodies, kicked their Chuck Taylors up on the table, took a big sip of crazy juice and thought, “What could we to do make Sara’s head explode? Yes! I’ve got it! Find someone who’s a bigger asshole than Little J!” That person would be Willa Holland, who showed up in the totally unwatchable fourth season of The OCk as monotone, unmourned Marissa Cooper’s previously missing little sister, Kaitlin. (I hate that I know her stupid name without having to look it up.) Here she was playing some sort of sullen model named Agnes who attempted to lead stupid, stupid Jenny down the Dov Charney–makes–amateur–porn primrose path. Luckily, since it would have been actual child porn if Taylor Momsen took off any more clothes, Sir Nate of Manbangs showed up to protect her slack-jawed, kohl-addled virtue. And then they made out, their two collective brain cells bouncing hormonally around their pretty little heads.

Next week: Jenny wears a shmatte and does her hair like Kenley. But Lily and Rufus join forces! I hope Lincoln Hawk makes an appearance and then goes on tour with Blur.

Attention fangirls and fanfellows: Don’t forget to enter our Gossip Girl giveaway! Deadline is Friday.

Sound the trumpets, strumpets: We have an awesome Gossip Girl giveaway today!

Even rich people like free stuff.

Thanks to the delightful people publicizing the hell out of this show, we have one gift pack to give away. The gift pack includes Season 1 of the show on DVD (field hockey catfight! Blair + Chuck in the back of the limo! SERENA AND NATE IN THE CAMPBELL APARTMENT OMG!), the brand-new soundtrack from the show, OMFGG: Official Music Featured on Gossip Girl, AND the sparkly-like-Nate’s-eyes Gossip Girl–themed board game, titled Never Have I Ever. Throw in some comically overpriced martinis, very short skirts, and an ascot and you have one hell of an evening right there, friends.

Here’s the track list for the soundtrack, you know, if relaxed and groovy music-from-TV is your thing:

1. The Kills – “Sour Cherry”
2. The Kooks – Do You Wanna”
3. Phantom Planet – “Do The Panic”
4. The Teenagers – “Feeling Better”
5. The Virgins – “One Week Of Danger (Demo Version)”
6. Nadia Oh – “Got Your Number”
7. Crystal Castles – “Crimewave”
8. The Republic Tigers – “Fight Song”
9. Junkie XL – “Cities In Dust”
10. The Ting Tings – “We Started Nothing”
11. Oppenheimer – “Breakfast In NYC”
12. The Pierces – “Three Wishes”
13. Albert Hammond Jr. – “Hard To Live In The City”

Ha! “The Virgins”! Like there are any of those left on the show!

You guys, I am so jealous I am no longer eligible to win the swag. So if you want in on all this awesome, e-mail tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com with the subject line Team Chuck Bass, and include in your e-mail a sentence that begins with “Never have I ever…” and ends with something that will amuse me and Dan. “Accidentally killed a drug dealer” and “Failed to close the deal with super-boring minor British royalty” will get you disqualified. And remember: Tights are not pants! Contest ends next Friday, Halloween. For extra credit (read: to win immediately) put on your Gossip Girl–inspired costume and send us pictures.