Hypothetical: say you're a young gay sociopath. 

Does becoming a homeless male prostitute suddenly make you wise, even-tempered and dependable?

I mean, that's the way it worked out for me.  But it seems a little forced with young Andrew on Desperate Housewives. 

Dear spinach.  I like you.  Do you like me?  Check yes or no. 

• Wendie Malick and James Brolin are going to star in a DC-based pilot.
• The hollow shell that used to be Andrew Dice Clay will have its own reality show.
• Cliff from Cheers will replace Vincent Pastore on Dancing with the Stars. 
• What's worse than two hours of The Wizard of Oz?  Six.  Alan Cumming, Richard Dreyfuss and Zooey Deschanel will star in a six-hour miniseries for Sci-Fi called Tin Man.
• Bill Clinton will present TV Land's upfronts. 
• Jordan Catalano broke his nose.  A nation mourns.  And giggles. 
• Did you know Mary-Louise Parker is dating Denny Duckett?  It's true. 
• People continue to overanalyze the reasons for Lost's ratings plunge.
• Desperate Housewives will be on the air until 2011.  I'm not kidding. 

Joining the likes of ER in the category of "What? You still watch that?" is Desperate Housewives.  It's not the greatest, I know, but it's caught me in another "I can't help myself situation."  Plus, there's nothing else on on Sundays, aside from Dexter.

The show's been consistently "eh" for a while now, but last night's episode was actually quite good.  The premise was that a deranged woman takes hostages at the grocery including Lynette, Julie (Teri Hatcher's daughter), Edie Britt and her totally not hot even though he's supposed to be smokin' nephew.  She's gone nuts because her husband cheated on her.

So here's a list of the things they did right, in a faux-authoritative list. 

1. Knowing when to say when - A little backstory.  Lynette's (Felicity Huffman) husband knocked up some shrill, potty-mouthed woman, Nora, before they were married and now the woman and child are back in their lives.  Lynette and Nora have been in this Mexican cock fight since last season and it comes to a head this episode when Lynette and Tom sue for custody of the child.  Well, looks like that plot isn't going to go anywhere, because Nora done got blown away last night.  I'm glad to see her go, because her character really had nowhere to go and was beginning to get repetitive.  I think it was a good decision, although it sort of artificially removes a lot of conflict from Lynette's storyline.

2. Good use of Felicity Huffman - I love Felicity Huffman.  So much it hurts. I love her onscreen in DH and TransAmerica and I love her offscreen when she rains on Lesley Stahls BS parade.  Last night she got to really go wild, especially at the end when she starts screaming at the gunwoman.  Even though the episode's bookending dream sequences had the tone of a breast cancer awareness commercial (according to my roommate), she still put in a really good performance.

3. Funny ha ha, not funny campy - Desperate Housewives has always had a gay man's sensibility when it comes to camp.  Whether it's Eva Longoria mowing the lawn in an evening gown (at night, in the rain) or Marcia Cross mixing Martha Stewart-esque home and garden tips with razor-edged comments, you can see Marc Cherry's rainbow-colored fingerprints all over the place.  It's fine, but it's not always as amusing as it thinks is.  Last night, however, there were some legitimately funny moments, such as Lynette's response when Tom says he's surprised that she'd be willing to adopt another child. "I didn't want the first four, but they're starting to grow on me." 

You'd had to be there.  The delivery was really great.

4. Fun use of deja vu - The gunwoman, Laurie Metcalf (now and forever known as Jackie from Roseanne), has been guest starring lately as Marcia Cross' confidant/nemesis.  Last night, they introduced the new neighbor, Art, played by Matt Roth.  You might know him better as Fisher, Jackie's abusive boyfriend on the third season (or so) of Roseanne.  He even got to throw a can of veggies at her head this episode, so it was just like old times.

5. Get Eva Longoria to stop being a pain in the ass - For this entire season, Eva and her TV husband have been getting a divorce.  And it's been this whole War of the Roses thing, where they use sex, guilt and chainsaws to try to get back at each other.  It's been really tiring and Longoria's character has lost all likability.  Last night, though, the two seemed to call a truce and, according to the previews, they seem to be moving on to plots other than trying to screw each other over.

I’m happy for you, Teri Hatcher. I really am. You’ve managed to claw your way out of Radio Shack endorsement purgatory and back into a juicy Sunday night dramedy. It’s not easy to do, just ask Daisy Fuentes.

And I’m even willing to look past this recent unfortunate fling (publicity stunt? dare?) with Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, what was that? I saw you interviewed on Access Hollywood or one of those shows and I could just see the mix of bemusement and embarassment on your face as that dipshit Billy Bush probed you about it. Seriously, Teri, why? (side note: I never really thought Ryan Seacrest was gay until this episode. And I think everyone is gay. Now, I don’t think that he could possibly be straight.)

That said, I’m not talking to you when I say this. I’m talking to your character, the loveable basketcase Susan Mayer on Desperate Housewives.

Susan, you’re a plum, but I’m sick of your shit.

Let’s just see if I’ve got this cycle straight, mkay? You fall crazy-ass in love with some dude. The relationship sours. You fall crazy-ass in love with some other dude, but you still think you love Dude #1. So when your relationship with Dude #2 reaches a high point, you end up telling some sort of lie to prevent Dude #2 from finding out about Dude #1. This all comes to a head in a screwball fashion, in some sort of public place or at a dinner party. And it’s hilarious or something.

I guess your schtick is that we’re supposed to empathize with your various madcap situations. And we toss our hands in the air and say “Oh Susan. You’re incorrigible!”

But, no! Stop it! You’ve been boning some grade-a Hollywood beefcake and you’ve single-handedly botched every single one.  That doctor was a piece of ass, you know.

And poor Julie, your long-suffering daughter! I know the whole dynamic of your relationship is supposed to be give-and-take with the maternal advice, given that she’s wise beyond her years and you haven’t yet reached your emotional bat mitzvah. But she really shouldn’t have to deal with her mom kicking her Dad out of the house (in his skivvies!) while she munches her Cocoa Puffs. Lucky for you she’s a good egg, because if she wasn’t, she’d be Charlize Theron in “Monster.”

And one more thing, what exactly do you do for a living? I know the cover story is children’s book author, but I kind of think that’s an excuse to have you sitting around the house all day swooning like a schoolgirl and thinking of new ways to sabotage your life.  Believe me, I have friends who are high up in the world of children’s publishing — I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t stand for your flightiness.

So, my advice, not that you asked.  You seem to have a pretty steady flow of hotness coming your way.  Grab one, spill your guts, get every loveable skeleton out of that walk-in closet and then chain him to your bed.

Love you,

DAN