You guys had your shot, now it’s my turn to play God with the Golden Globes. I’m starting off with the comedies because most of those are shows that I’ve actually seen. I’m only one man — I can’t be expected to watch all those damn cable dramas.

Sadly, there won’t be a real awards show to look forward to, but Kathy Griffin and Matt Lauer will be co-hosting some sort of Dateline pre-show. That should be good, right?

Best Comedy: 30 Rock

Let’s start off with a bang — the biggest award of the night, as far as I’m concerned. I think that even if justice had been served and The Office pushed off nominees like Entourage, 30 Rock would still be deserving of the award. There’s no other show that combines silly and smart the way 30 Rock does. It has more memorable moments per episode and more jokes per minute than any other show on TV. Hot on its heels is Pushing Daisies — 2007′s best new series. There’s nothing wrong with the show to put in second place, I just think that 30 Rock is a tough act to follow.

Best Actor in a Comedy: Alec Baldwin

I’m not going to offer an explanation for this choice except to say that this scene should earn Alec Baldwin a Golden Globe, an Emmy and a place in all of our hearts.
Best Actress in a Comedy: Mary Louise Parker

I realize that a lot of people, myself included, would almost always defer to Tina Fey in every poll. We all love her so much and want to be her when we grow up. But I found myself constantly amazed and Mary Louise Parker’s performance this season on Weeds. Her character, Nancy Botwin, is such a lovable psycho — she’s a complete mess, but still manages to remain a resilient mother lion in the face of ridiculous adversity. Parker has this glassy-eyed innocence that makes you root for Nancy, all the while maintaining this detached, badass facade. It’s really amazing. If you haven’t already, pick up the first season of Weeds on DVD, invite some friends over and have a little marathon with a theme drink.

As far as Tina goes, the reason I didn’t choose her was because I feel like the material really sells itself. It’s not a dig on her, but it’s a credit to the writing staff. She had some great moments (her Jerry Seinfeld crying voice, etc.), but Parker’s role was much more challenging.

Best Drama: Big Love

I’m not going to lie — this choice was largely arbitrary. I’ve seen a few episodes of Big Love and, even though I didn’t really know what was going on 100% because I had just started watching, I could tell that the performances were great and the writing was effective. It’s everything we love about HBO dramas. On the other hand, I’ve just never seen Damages, Mad Men, or the Tudors. Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t deserve award show love, as far as I’m concerned, and I stopped watching House a while ago because I don’t really see what everyone sees in House’s one-note character, the show’s dull supporting cast and formulaic episodes. That sounded kind of harsh.

Best Actor in a Drama: Michael C. Hall

There are two reasons why Michael C. Hall deserves this award: Dexter Morgan and David Fisher. Hall’s complex, restrained performance as Dexter would be reason enough to give him the award. But I still think it’s an injustice that Six Feet Under never got its due in term of awards, including Hall’s performance as David. Hall is one of those actors that just slips into a character’s skin perfectly. It’s a credit to him that I never think of Six Feet Under when I’m watching Dexter — he has embodied the character so fully that it makes me forget my all-time favorite show.

Best Actress in a Drama: Edie Falco

Again, the only two shows I watched in this category were The Sopranos and Medium. Well, I saw the first season of Medium and I know that Patricia Arquette is the worst actress on any screen, big or little. By default, I’d choose Falco, but I gladly do it. Between her unbalanced character of Carmella and her appearances on 30 Rock, there’s a lot to like about her.

I can’t believe how warm it is. Time to put on my mesh tank top.

• USA Today reviews last night’s Daily Show.
• After Ellen talks to the lovely lesbians from The L Word.
• Remember Daybreak? You know, Taye Diggs + dead girlfriend X Groundhog Day = flop show. It’s coming to DVD.
• Looks like The Golden Globes are going to just be a press conference this year.
• Jerry Seinfeld’s getting sued for defaming a cookbook on Letterman.
• Sophia Hill talks about One Tree Hill.  I don’t know why I’m posting this.
• The Playmate from Celebrity: Apprentice opens up. So to speak.
• Jesus… they’re bringing back The Mole!
• American Gladiators and Carson Kressley’s new shows are hits.
• One of the gals from Shear Genius is getting her own Bravo show.
• E-Kristin has a spoiler chat with stuff on Lost and Dexter.
• Project Runway’s Daniel V. doesn’t think this season is that interesting.
• Marc Cherry is struggling with the strike.
• The guy from The Wire doesn’t care about Emmys.

Now you’ve got no excuse.

Dexter is coming to CBS, for real. The network will air the show’s first season, in an edited format, at 10 p.m. on Sundays starting Feb. 17.

I’ll be curious to see what makes it to the final cut — I’m thinking that the show might be 17 minutes long once they edit out all the scenes with severed limbs. But, then again, all those gross CSI shows show worse than that, right?

2007 is officially over. Kaput. Done. Smell ya later.

You know what is also dead? All sorts of folks on TV. Thusly, we’ve made a provocative, scintillating top five and bottom five list of dead folks from this calendar year. Among the year’s deaths, we have a drowning, two gunshot victims, massive head trauma and even an explosion or two.

Point of information: the “top five” and “bottom five” are determined by a number of factors — the satisfying nature of the demise, how well it worked to advance the plot/character arc or, quite simply, whether we liked it or not.

For the record, proceed with caution if you are sensitive on getting spoiled by any shows. These shows include Weeds, Dexter and Battlestar Galactica.

Top 5

5. U-Turn – Weeds

The thing I really liked about U-Turn’s demise on the third season of Weeds wasn’t the satisfaction in having a repulsive character get axed. It was the perverse injustice of it all. U-Turn was such an intimidating character, breathing through a clenched jaw and flared nostrils in every scene and using terror to get his way. And then he gets killed by the fat, simple, ne’er-do-well Marvin — whose biggest accomplishment of the season was getting shot in the ass by the Mexicans. It was an understandable, but out-of-nowhere act and I love the idea of such a ridiculous, incompetent figure taking out a prime villain by surprise.

4. Symbolic spot reserved for Pushing Daisies

It seems like it wouldn’t be fair for such a death-centric show to get left out on this list. Perish the thought that any of the lead characters actually die (even Emerson — the show’s dynamics would be ruined without him). But in honor of the exploding secretaries, trampled jockeys and torn-in-half wish-givers, we raise a glass of bubbly to the supporting cast of corpses on Pushing Daisies.

3. Sgt. Doakes – Dexter

Toward the end of season two, it really looked like the creators had written themselves in a corner. There were so many complications that it didn’t seem like the season could end cleanly. I feel like it was pretty obvious that Doakes was going to get blamed for the Bay Harbor Butcher’s crimes, but after Doakes caught him in the act, I didn’t see how Dexter could pin the blame on him without killing him — a violation of the Code of Harry. Enter crazy-pants Lila. Lila’s craziness was what saved Dexter in the end. Furthermore, it was pretty satisfying to see Doakes — crazy and unhinged himself — finally out of the picture.

2. Starbuck – Battlestar Galactica

Maggie writes: Starbuck is (was?), arguably, the best character in a sea of wonderful characters from Battlestar Galactica — the frakked up risk-taking pilot with Mommy issues who makes bad decisions in the sack. Not only is (was?) she a fan favorite, she keeps the rest of the characters on their toes — sleeping with them, hurting them, telling them the ugly truth that she can’t face herself. So when her Viper blew up, it seemed impossible that they, the geniuses at the helm of BSG, would actually kill her. But they seemed very serious about it, making us suffer through four Kara-Thrace-less episodes before the last ten seconds of the last episode of this season. Not that those seconds resolved anything, of course. What does it all mean???

1. Charlie – Lost/Phil Leotardo – The Sopranos

This is cheating, but that’s okay because it’s a blog and not real life. I have two number one deaths and they’re both for different reasons. Charlie’s death earned its spot just because it was shocking (in a way), emotionally charged and completed his character’s redemption arc. Plus, the Lost folks redeemed themselves a little bit for killing a real character, not just introducing a bunch of tailies to just pick off one by one.

Phil Leotardo’s death was awesome for sheer bloodlust purposes. Such an awful man, responsible for so much death. To finally see him get whacked was really rewarding for long-time viewers. Furthermore, he didn’t just get whacked. An SUV ran over his head! I mean, what more could you ask for? It was like murder Christmas.

Honorable mention: To Nikki and Paolo from Lost. For real. In the big picture, they were totally useless, but that episode was awesome.

Bottom 5

5. Sheriff Lamb – Veronica Mars

I realize we might get some flack for putting Veronica Mars on the bottom of any list, but I have to admit that Sheriff Lamb’s untimely demise was a bit anticlimactic. No one really cared for him, so on face value this would have been a no-brainer for the top five. But the way it all went down was really unsatisfying. If I’m like most VM fans, I would’ve wanted Lamb to go out in a redeeming blaze of glory — so we can look at his tombstone and reflect that he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. However, that didn’t happen. He got bonked on the head by Richard Greico. Richard Greico, guys. I mean, come on.

4. Bradford Meade – Ugly Betty

Maggie writes: Recipe for instant melodrama: Pick the most boring character on your show. Kill him. Presto! No one liked Bradford, and none of his story lines were particularly convincing. Did anyone really believe he was in to Wilhelmina? Did anyone actually buy him as an evil genius? Then he up and dies, just in time to ruin Wili’s wedding and teach the Meade kids a little something about life. On the other hand, Santos — that one was at least a little teary.

3. President Palmer II – 24

Maggie writes: The sixth season of 24 seems awfully long ago, especially if you’re like me and you didn’t bother watching the last four episodes. But back in the beginning of the season, there was another President Palmer, the brother of the first (who was the victim of a great TV death — shot in the neck!). Prez Palmer II got himself blown up, and then he pumped himself up on uppers to lead the country, and then I think he died. He did die, didn’t he? He isn’t like Ex-Prez Logan in the ambulance, never to be heard from again? It’s a mark of the show’s decline that I can’t even remember.

2. D.L. – Heroes

He got shot by some random dude in a bar? Booooooooooooooooooo!

1. Tony Soprano – The Sopranos

My disdain for the way things went down on the series finale of The Sopranos is no secret. But, even though David Chase thinks I should just worry my pretty little head in an adorably quaint liberal arts classroom, I’m going to operate under the assumption that Tony Soprano got it in the end. All signs point to yes, as many people seem to think (including Jeopardy champ Bob Harris, who seems to have come up with the most comprehensive analysis. Although, now he seems to be wanting to distance himself from it as much as possible. Sigh. Whatever.). But I’m putting Tony’s death at the bottom of the heap — not because it didn’t make sense that it would happen, not because it wouldn’t have been just, but because of that damned fade to black and the “I’m smarter than you” ambiguity.

Honorable mention: For the dream of Studio 60. Emmy-award winning writer, cast of luminaries, the best set money can buy — what could go wrong? Everything, of course.

How was your Christmas break?

Mine was good. I saw Juno (not as good as I thought it’d be — it kind of tries too hard with the sassy dialogue.  It’s like live action, pregnant Daria).  I also watched a loooooot of TV. Just like last Christmas when I started my Veronica Mars season one binge, this year I started season one of Battlestar Galactica (thanks “Pandacita”) with the hopes of being caught up by the start of the final season. I even caught up on some of Cane, which is really a pretty enjoyable show, albeit not a must-watch every week (oh Nestor…).

You know what my holiday season was also full of? Murderous anti-heroes.

Not only did I venture out to the movies to see Sweeney Todd (I generally hate musicals, but my love of Tim Burton trumps that), but I also finished the second season of Dexter. If you haven’t started watching Dexter, you need to either get Showtime or start sleeping with someone who gets it and then watch it on-demand.

When one watches so much righteous murder during the course of a single holiday season, one is almost forced to compare and contrast and then blog about one’s findings.

If I were to break break it down, it’d probably work out something like this series of pie charts on the right-hand side of your page.

Sweeney Todd’s rage is justifiable, but he’s definitely the more unhinged of the two. The whole world is his slaughterhouse and there ain’t nobody he’s not willing to kill. While you find yourself rooting for him (for no other reason than the fact that he’s the protagonist), there’s not a whole lot that’s redeemable about him. I mean, he got a bum deal when his life was ruined by Alan Rickman, but I’m not satisfied that justifies slaughter of such proportions.

So, you’ve got the emotionally scarred anti-hero who satisfies his bloodlust through wanton, indiscriminate killing.  And then you’ve got the emotionally scarred anti-hero who  satisfies his bloodlust through very calculated

Especially toward the end, the second season of Dexter focused a lot on the is-he-good-or-is-he-evil aspect of the series. It was inconclusive, with Dexter leaving the question in the minds of viewers via pensive voice-over narration. What did come to a conclusion was the character’s own perspective on the idea: indifference.

What I think makes Dexter significantly evil is the fact that, like Todd’s, his killing is selfish. He’s not outraged by crime for the good of society.  He has his own agenda and he’s managed to make it conform to a quasi-redeemable code of conduct (only kill people who deserve it).

It’s ambiguous, but that’s what makes the show interesting.

God bless the Parents Television Council. If not for their watchful eye, people may be exposed to shows that aren’t Two and a Half Men.

Now, everyone’s favorite scolds and schoolmarms are opposing CBS’ plans to bring Dexter to CBS. Via TV Week:

“CBS’ plan is purely based on corporate greed, not what’s good for families or in the public interest,” said PTC President Tim Winter. “These Showtime programs contain some of the most explicit content on television, period. Yet CBS has no qualms about putting shows that make heroes of serial killers and revel in sick, graphic violence or those that condone drug use and glorify drug dealers in front of millions of children and families on broadcast television. Despite that CBS and Viacom are now ‘separate,’ CBS is funneling in super-raunchy Viacom-owned premium cable content onto the CBS broadcast network … It is also another powerful example of why the rules concerning media consolidation must not be loosened.”

Furthermore, they vowed to contact every sponsor of the CBS airings of Dexter. You know, to let them know that they are sponsoring Dexter. In case they thought it was a show about a veterinarian who falls in love with another veterinarian and they live in a lavender house full of rabbits.

I suppose this is nothing new — the whole killjoy aspect of things. It all comes down the fact that there’s family shows and then mom and dad shows. Or, as I see it, kid shows or shows that I would actually watch. I’m not happy about the idea of sanitizing the airwaves of anything remotely dark in the name of parents who can’t control their kids’ viewing habits. Because, you know, one episode of Weeds and the kids are going to run around like crazy taking the pots and the cocaines.

It’s just pretty maddening that there are people who can’t see artistic value in shows like Weeds and Dexter — who can’t see beyond the premise to the stories beneath. Obviously, these people have no idea how fucking awesome these shows are.

I’m really good at that.

• Andre Royo previews season five of The Wire.
• CBS will start airing scripted Showtime shows, including an edited version of Dexter.
• Will networks run scripted shows into the summer?
• Carson Daly is defending himself for coming back to work.
• A new Ask Ausiello has scoop on Lost and Gilmore Girls (!).
• The Rachael Rae Knife Store sounds like something could go awfully wrong.
• Carlton Cuse won’t work on Lost til the strike ends.
• Producers are mulling a settlement from the WGA.
• Tina Fey and Paula Abdul are totally in a fight.
• NBC has, stupidly, cut ties with iTunes.
• Tila Tequila denies vicious rumors of heterosexuality.

Lampshades are better than hats.

• NBC has picked up that awful Quarterlife.
• If anything gets a full season this year, Dirty Sexy Money will too.
• There are arrests in the attack on Josie from Top Chef.
• LC: “This is really my life.”
• Kristen Bell and Hayden Panettiere talk to TV Guide about Heroes.
• Inconceivable! Lesbians love Wallace Shawn.
• Michael C. Hall talks Dexter.
• 30 Rock and Office actors might face suspensions.
• Here’s an uncomfortable item about the black girl and the Asian girl on Gossip Girl.

At least we’ve got Project Runway to look forward to.

• Series creators are joining the picketing ranks.
• Next week’s episode of The Office is the last original one they have lined up. E-Kristin says they haven’t yet filmed an episode featuring a Michael-Jan-Jim-Pam dinner party.
• A priest is stalking Conan O’Brien.
• ABC will at least air eight episodes of Lost this season.
• 24 might be delayed until next year.
• Overall TV viewership is down this season.
• Dexter season three is a go!
•  Register for the fantasy Project Runway league.
• Are Lauren and Heidi secret friends?
• The Battlestar boss sounds off on the necessity of the strike.

Daddy issues: it’s the hot new internal turmoil for characters on the small screen.

That’s not to say paternal conflict hasn’t been mined since Hamlet as fodder for character motivation (although I suppose that was more uncle/stepdad or ghost daddy issues). But if you’re watching any TV these days there’s at least one show with a prominent father-related plotline. Lost, for example, is chock full of alcoholic dads, power-crazy dads, deadbeat dads and Machiavellian con artist dads. Characters with major father conflicts include Jack (and therefore Claire, kinda), Locke, Hurley, Sun (and Jin’s father-in-law), Ben, Sawyer, Penny and Kate (step-father — remember? She blew him up).

So, here is a sampling of daddy issues rated on a scale of 1 to 10 for intensity. One being “C’mon, can I borrow the car?” and 10 being “Why’d you have to push me out of the 8th floor of your apartment building?”

Jack on Lost — 8.0

Like father, like son — at least when you’re talking about alcoholic, type-A surgeons. Jack’s entire backstory is anchored by his relationship with his father. Even his romantic entanglements seem secondary in comparison to his quest for his father’s approval. On a show with no shortage of bad dads, this one is the most all-consuming.
“Aww… you look very nice in your white coat son. Now fix papa a bowl of bourbon.”

Locke on Lost –10.0

Locke is such a douche bag that I hardly care about his daddy issues, but the plot line about his con man dad is so cartoonishly messed-up that it is entirely necessary to mention. Locke’s dad has: tricked Locke out of a kidney, pushed him out of a window in an attempt to kill him and bereated him even while he was Locke’s prisoner on the island. Not that anything about Lost is realistic, but the extent of evil in Locke’s dad is pretty out there.

Nick on Dirty Sexy Money — 5.0

Nick has spent his entire life trying to not be his Dad, Dutch, by getting into do-good law and being the consumate family man. But the premise of the whole series is that he’s trying to avoid falling into the same traps his dad did while working for the Darlings. Then there’s the whole murder mystery angle — was Dutch murdered? Were the Darlings behind it? On some level, Nick doesn’t really care, but he’s a decent guy so he has to find out. I’m going to go on record here as saying that I don’t think Dutch is dead (they didn’t find a body). I base this on nothing but instinct (my instincts are rarely correct, though — remember when I thought Burke was going to kill himself on Grey’s Anatomy? Ah, memories.).

Dexter on Dexter –4.0

Dexter’s dad is actually a good one. I mean, he’s kind of wacky, but he prevents innocent people from dying. Dexter’s dad, for those of you who don’t watch, died a long time ago, but instilled the “Code of Harry” in Dexter. He taught his young, adoptive sociopath to satisfy his bloodlust with hunting and, eventually, by only killing people who really deserve it. Papa Dexter comes back through flashbacks with a child star playing young Dexter (complete with matching mole!). Nowadays, Dexter’s psyche is very much haunted by the memories of good old dad.

Parkman on Heroes — 7.5

Parkman was abandoned by his father — who is apparently now the worst hero ever. Worse than Sylar even. We have much to learn about this one.

George on Grey’s Anatomy — 5.5

You know, Grey’s Anatomy is pretty awful most of the time, but they managed to do some good stuff with the death of George’s dad. The bit where Christina talks to him about the “dead dads club,” the part where George freaks out on Dr. Weber because his Dad didn’t know any better than to get the risky surgery — all pretty affecting moments on a show where I’m not used to giving a rat’s ass. Or even paying close attention for that matter. That storyline has faded now, but it’s probably best left untarnished.

The Bionic Woman’s dad — meh

There’s something going on with him because why would the sister be living with Jamie if the dad’s still around. But this show is so awful that who really cares? It won’t be around next season to explore that plot line anyway.