I’m really good at that.

• Andre Royo previews season five of The Wire.
• CBS will start airing scripted Showtime shows, including an edited version of Dexter.
• Will networks run scripted shows into the summer?
• Carson Daly is defending himself for coming back to work.
• A new Ask Ausiello has scoop on Lost and Gilmore Girls (!).
• The Rachael Rae Knife Store sounds like something could go awfully wrong.
• Carlton Cuse won’t work on Lost til the strike ends.
• Producers are mulling a settlement from the WGA.
• Tina Fey and Paula Abdul are totally in a fight.
• NBC has, stupidly, cut ties with iTunes.
• Tila Tequila denies vicious rumors of heterosexuality.

This time, the chef is the oven.

Everyone’s favorite tomato-chopping hottie Giada De Laurentiis is pregnant! People magazine has her on record acting like she’s really unsure over this whole gestation thing.

“When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock,” De Laurentiis, 37, admitted. “I truly didn’t believe it. I honestly thought, ‘there has got to be a mistake.’ “

Hmmm… disconcerting.

On to more pressing matters though, don’t you think this will make Giada’s famed cleavage even more unbelievably distracting? They’re going to have to do tighter shots of her face, or at least get her some turtlenecks.

We’ll see how they handle it, but for now here’s a survey.

Before common era.

• AfterElton profiles gay reality TV winners.
• A blogger writes an open letter to the cast of The Office.
• A profile on the two dudes who are defining VH1′s personality.
• Lou Pearlman is a perv — not necessarily that surprising.
• The stage is set for Rock of Love 2.
• TV Guide talks to Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck.
• Forest Whitaker will be making a new show for FX.
• Friday Night Lights is doing what any fledgling series would do to boost ratings: add nudity.
• The former heads of UPN and the WB talk to TV Guide.
• Alton Brown talks up the Next Iron Chef.
• Bradley Whitford and Neve Campbell are going to be in a scary, scary global warming miniseries.
• Ally Sheedy is joining Kyle XY.
• Jon Stewart will get as close to the White House as he’ll ever get when he interviews the vice president’s wife.
• Look at the Pushing Daisies comic book.
• The Jericho folks are covering all their bases in case it gets canceled again.
• Stupid Hung talks to New York magazine.
• Some babe got a job on Grey’s Anatomy.

I haven’t done this feature in a while. Remember when I said it was going to be on Thursdays? Hell, remember when I said I’d be recapping Top Chef?

Ha!

Anyways, I’ll resurrect this little feature by proposing a three-way (I know what you’re thinking — “Dan, that’s your solution to everything.”). But here we go, are you ready?

Who would win in a fight between Food Network’s Molto Mario, High School Musical’s Zac “Troy” Efron and Arrested Development’s G.O.B. Bluth?

Here’s a round-up of the contenders:

Mario Batali: Don’t let his teddy bear face fool you — Molto Mario would tear you in half if he ever got the chance. Like most chefs, he is skilled with a knife and knows anatomy. He’ll exploit his competitors’ weak parts in order to go for the kill. In addition, he’s got 150 and 100 pounds on Efron and Bluth, respectively. I’m conjuring a very specific image of Mario walking around, butcher knives in both hands, with Efron clinging to one leg and Bluth to the other. Batali’s weaknesses, however, lie in his strengths — his size means less agility and heavy, lumbering steps. He’s more likely to get winded mid-battle.

Zac Efron: Sure, he’s skinny. Sure, he’s young. But Zac Efron is a dancer. He’s got the best six pack of all the competitors (seriously, Google image him). I can imagine him darting between Bluth and Batali, quickly shooting between their legs and leaping on their backs, putting them in sleeper holds. That said, if Batali lands a punch, then it’s all over. Also, Efron’s orangish hue will make it hard to blend in if there is a Predator-like game of cat and mouse in the jungle.

G.O.B. Bluth: He may not be the strongest or the quickest, but as far as pure fearlessness, neither Efron or Batalie can match Bluth. Think of the possessed look in his eye when performing his magic. Think of him riding on his Segway, unsheathing his sword. Would you want to go up against that? Because I wouldn’t. Of course, as far as technical fighting skills go, I can’t imagine Bluth has that much to offer. But he’d probably play dirtier than either Batali or Efron, which is worth something.

I really have no idea why Barefoot Contessa is as compelling as it is.

Ina Garten’s personality isn’t as dynamic as, say, Bobby Flay’s, and she doesn’t have the smoldering hotness of Giada (or Nigella — to appease her seemingly rabid fanbase) to enhance the entertainment value.

Sporting a brown bob and large collection of multi-hued, blousy collared shirts, Garten has the patient, staid demeanor of veteran elementary school reading teacher. Her personality can sort of be defined thusly: she’s kind of like your long-married, but childless aunt who, when you visited as a child, forbade you from touching anything in her intricately decorated porcelain house. During dinner, she’d talk about politics with your parents while you squirmed in your seat and played with the mashed potatoes on your Wedgewood plate. But then, when you least expected it, she’d give you access hidden cache of cookies that was meant to be a secret between you and her. So, even though you were bored off your ass as a seven-year-old, you’ve forged an honest respect for the dame. Later, when you’ve grown up, you realize what a kick-ass cook she always was and you didn’t appreciate it as a kid because you were dumb and would rather have had a bowl of half Cinnamon Toast Crunch and half Lucky Charms with a coke to drink. Furthermore, lame Aunt Ina was actually a pretty badass outspoken liberal and way ahead of her time.

So, yeah, her appeal is complicated.

Ina’s creations are probably best described as new American comfort food. She doesn’t really do anything revolutionary — just putting her own Ina spin on time-tested favorites. She is a stronger baker than most chefs, and always has an elaborate dessert with every meal.

Ina prepares everything in her kitchen in the East Hamptons, where most residents spend their days — presumably — boating, playing badminton and throwing away their one and five dollar bills because those small ones are just annoying. She often refers to her absentee husband Jeffrey, who is a Yale professor, as if he were Maris on Frasier (“Jeffrey loves my almond biscotti.” “Jeffrey would always rather have sweet potatoes than regular potatoes.”). And then, once in a while, he’ll actually show up and you’re kind of surprised he’s actually a person.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t cover a vital part of her show — which is her seemingly never-ending supply of aged, colorful sweater-wearing gays. Her gays, who are obviously all wealthy entrepreneurs, supply her with freshly cut flowers, and carry coolers for her when they have picnics. These are all her real life friends, so it adds an extra, lovely dimension to her that she’s a connoisseur of the homosexuals.

Lord knows I love Giada De Laurentiis. Between her show’s artfully wobbly camera work, her delicious creations, her smiley demeanor and the wardrobe department’s low-cut tops, there’s a lot to be happy with on Everyday Italian.

So I was reading the most recent issue of Esquire recently and I saw this weird-ass photo shoot of her with a white dress and ton of tomatoes. You can see the other photos from the shoot here, including one where it looks like her face has been airbrushed to twice its original width.

Straight men — do you guys actually find this hot? Is this just another thing we’ll never agree on — like professional sports, war movies and pleated pants?

His campaign slogan should be: He’s Irish and he’s pissed.

• There will be no Exile Island on the next season of Survivor. Good. That stunt was played out.
• The Decemberists’ Colin Meloy will guest star on Lil Bush.
• If we weren’t sure that Amy Sherman-Palladino was one of us, she is now. She got wasted on the night of the Gilmore Girls finale and didn’t watch it.
• America’s Next Top Model will outlive all of us.
• Tina Fey’s parents love 30 Rock.
• Is The Winner not a piece of the distant past after all?
• Big Love got renewed.
• 10 TV shows that should be films.
• Heidi and Spencer from The Hills talk to E!
• Pirate Master got its timbers shivered.
• CSI casting news.
• The top 10 list of highest-paid TV stars is surprising. Certainly not number one, but you’ll shit yourself at number five. Somebody’s agent needs a raise.
• The winner of the Next Food Network Star talks to TV Guide.
• Information is trickling in about the next season of Heroes.

Before we get to our next match-up, let’s take a moment to reflect on last week’s head-to-head featuring the suave Anderson Cooper and the suaver Tim Gunn. Now, Anderson Cooper won (of course), but he did so by a surprisingly small margin. I have to admit that this wasn’t really a fair fight — but by the time I had written everything out, I didn’t feel like going back and changing it. So, yeah. I’m thinking that people just like Tim Gunn a lot, and that played into the votes.

The voting, let me tell you, was out of control. Thanks to some high profile links, we got a lot of attention on this one. I think that maybe every fight should be between two cult icons. Like maybe Smack Teflon from Schmigh School Schmusical (scrambled to prevent the unsavory riff-raff from googling) or Buffy characters.

Maybe next week. This time, we’ve got two methodical career women who will flash you a white, gleaming smile while eviscerating you. We’ve got Jan from The Office vs. the Food Network’s Sandra Lee (see this post for background).

Jan, who started off on The Office as Michael Scott’s long-suffering superior, has morphed into a Jeckyll and Hyde character. On the surface, she’s a buttoned-up corporate career woman, but there’s a hedonistic, demanding and fiery sexpot brewing under the surface.

On the other hand, we’ve got Sandra Lee — flaxen-haired Food Network hostess with an exacting and insatiable appetite for presentation and color coordination. God help the hapless buffoon who tampers with her tablescapes.

Jan Levinson

Strengths:

• Organized and composed
• Not afraid of confrontation
• Unpredictable

Weaknesses:

• Mentally ill
• Comparatively easy to manipulate
• Emotionally fragile

Secret Weapon: Her sexuality

Sandra Lee

Strengths:

• Has excellent knife technique
• Can kill with her stare
• People underestimate blondes

Weaknesses:

• Over-concern with presentation can be a handicap
• Skinny arms
• Possibly made of porcelain

Secret Weapon: Can find innovative, time-saving ways to kick ass

I’m going to start taking vitamins. And then I’ll beat you all up!

• That show Dead Like Me might not be… well, dead.
• Watch Live Earth performances on demand.
• TV Squad ranks the coolest geeks on TV.
• If you watched Traveler, you’re out of luck. Ditto Hidden Palms.
• Rachael Ray and husband aren’t on the rocks, so she says.
• “Goran Visjnic is my babydaddy!“
• Smallville casting news involving some other dude from the CW.
• After all that ballyhoo and hubbub, NBC has renewed The Apprentice.
• The last dance of the Queer Eye’s Fab 5 will be this fall.
• So I guess someone different sings the theme to Weeds every week. Cute concept. Anyway, for this season, The Shins, Man Man, Randy Newman and Joan Baez are among the singers.
• The mass-mailing-of-random-products-in-an-effort-to-revive-a-show phenomenon continues with crackers and The Black Donnellys. Considering how many commenters thought that I, personally, had canceled Creature Comforts maybe I can get people to send me animal crackers or something.
• Jim Halpert has six facial expressions?
• Yun-Jin Kim (Kim Yun-Jin?) wrote a book in Korean about her experiences on Lost.

Today, we have no less than three boob-related stories.

• Number one, Ice-T is planning a reality show with his model wife.  Take a look at her.
• Number two, lady chefs are wearing supa-low cut shirts these days. We’re looking at you, Giada.
• Number three, Stephanie Tanner’s boobs are on the loose.
• The remaining episodes of Drive will be put out to pasture on the 13th instead of the 4th. Now you won’t have to stay in.  Right?
• Laguna Beach will be pretty much unrecognizable in its fourth season, although I’m sure some things (blondes, abs) will stay constant.
• A reality show about books?  Perhaps it’s a step in the right direction. Perhaps not.
• Chloe Sevigny talks about Big Love.
• One of the stars of Private Practice has already been given her pink slip.
• There’s a fight on the set of Rescue Me.
• Scott Baio is a fraud.  A FRAUD!
• An interview with Josh Holloway (Sawyer from Lost).
• CBS wouldn’t let Rupert from Survivor be on Pirate Master.