It’s back! Who Would Win in a Fight is back! Except we don’t believe either of these refined gentlemen would fight. If they had a disagreement, they would dance.

So this month brings back many awesome shows, including one of my old favorites, How I Met Your Mother, and featured the regular-season debut of a sure-to-be new favorite, Glee. Both feature suave and fetching fellows, and the actors who play those suave and fetching fellows are what TNT likes to call New Classics: handsome, funny, light on their feet, multi-talented. And deadly in a dance battle. Said dance battle would be legen…

Five, six, seven, eight

NPH

Strengths:

Weaknesses:

Matthew Morrison

Strengths:

Weaknesses:

…dary!

This is the second post in what is apparently a series in which I declare a newer show to be superior to its older sibling. In this case, I’ll try to make the case that Top Chef is better than Project Runway—with the caveat that I’m only talking about the current season.

You see, there’s nothing inherent in the two shows that make one better than the other. The premises are almost identical: Creative contestants are given a challenge and a limited amount of time in which to complete it, and their efforts are judged by experts in their industries. The exact same blueprint works for both shows.

Top Chef, the newer show, however, just seems to be hitting its stride. It’s been around long enough to prove that it’s not a shameful for the contestants to be on the show. They’re not humiliated weekly like the chefs on Hell’s Kitchen. The judging is, for the most part, merit-based. This show isn’t about young, attractive drunkards yelling at each other. As a result, the talent pool is getting better and more accomplished. Some of the contestants already have their own restaurants. They’re just doing it for bragging rights. Plus, some of the finest chefs in the world now know it’s not embarrassing to be on the show, which makes for more creative and interesting challenges. I don’t know who half those hoity-toity French chefs were on last week’s episode, but I was still nervous about what they’d tell my poor, eager, Top Chefers.

Project Runway, on the other hand, is clearly out of ideas. It’s been around long enough so that it’s not novel any more, and I get the feeling they’re having a hard time getting guest judges. Heck, they’re having a hard time keeping Michael Kors and Nina Garcia interested! Didn’t it seem like Heidi Klum got Rebecca Romijn to be on the show as a personal favor? And Romijn isn’t even a designer—she’s a model. As a result, the challenges themselves just aren’t all that interesting. Whereas at one time the show would have them making clothes from corn husks and seat belts or being inspired by photos they took, now the design prompts are just bland: Design a maternity outfit. Design an outfit for the beach. Design an outfit for your Project Runway models, for goodness sake! Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do every week?

What scares me, though, is that there’s nothing to stop Top Chef from sliding into Project Runway territory. I don’t think PR’s problems are because of its switch to lifetime—they were filming the season before they knew the outcome of the lawsuits, right? I think the show just doesn’t know what to do with itself anymore. Once the novelty is worn off and you’ve burned your way through a whole bunch of cool challenges, what’s left? Let this be a lesson to Top Chef: Get your two-seasons-from-now game plan ready.

Hello, friends. Long time, lots of bad TV. Well, with the exception of What Would Brian Boitano Make? and brand! new! shiny! Project Runway on Lifetime. But starting, erm, last week, the long summer drought has ended, and we’re getting factory-direct new episodes of scripted TV, which is awesome. Herein, a few things I am looking forward to, and a few more I am giving up on.

Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw!

As you may know, Gossip Girl returns for a third season tonight, with everyone on the show attending NYU because they are too poor/stupid/antisocial for Yale, Brown, and gen pop (Blair and Dan, Serena, and Chuck, respectively). I suppose it doesn’t even matter if I point out yet again that NYU costs more than Yale, and that CCNY would actually be more on these dimwits’ intellectual levels. I don’t think I’ll be following the Gossips too much this year, because everything became both unbelievable and unbelievably boring last year. And although I do enjoy watching boys make out almost as much as Dan (our Dan, not Lonelyboy. Well, I think Lonelyboy likes it too) does, the prospect of Chuck sucking face with this guy isn’t going to bring me back.

A show I will be following, religiously? Castle! Because Nathan Fillion is a very nice man and it’s fantastic to see him finally get a second season of something. The man works hard, selling the hell out of the show via Twitter, and also he sometimes shows up on Craig Ferguson’s show wearing a kilt. Which is the kind of commitment we like to see in our tall, dark, and handsome Canadians. Besides that, the show itself is quality. It was a midseason replacement last year and turned out to be a nice blend of procedural and romantic dramedy, with Fillion providing most of the giggles and the quite lovely Stana Katic playing the straight man. Also, his interaction with his TV daughter is wonderful. Seriously, I may be most excited about the return of Castle, and that’s saying a lot, since back in April I was inappropriately anxious to find out if Amy Brenneman would survive having her belly sliced open by that psychotic woman from Alias and Felicity.

I am also very excited about How I Met Your Mother, and not just because my crush on NPH really doesn’t care that he’s gay (remember what I said about boys making out? Yeah, I could stand to see a little PDA on the Emmy red carpet, is all). I’ve been rewatching the early seasons of HIMYM on DVD, and honestly, I just love that show. It’s so sparkling and delightful, and even SagetTed doesn’t weird me out anymore. I am really in no hurry to find Your Mother, as that might bring the show to an end, and I just love it too much. More Barney! More Marshall! More everyone!

Avec Eric is like Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, but with less swearing, fewer snide remarks about my beloved Food Network, and far more inventive use of a toaster oven. Famous, fantastic French chef Eric Ripert travels the world for boar hunts and visits to the greatest restaurants there are, then he whips up something tasty in his palatial home kitchen. And he does it all with the most wonderful accent, a sense of humor, and a deep sense of respect for food, people who grow food, people who kill food, and people who eat food. If you only know him from Top Chef, record the show. There are no commercials! And it’s just incredibly relaxing and beautiful. If Eric Ripert’s accent doesn’t make your ears purr, I will refund your money.

I’ve seen the pilot of Community. It is quite funny, and of course, Joel McHale can do no wrong. I hope it prospers magnificently. I’ve also seen the pilot of Trauma, which is quite unintentionally funny in places, but you know I will watch whatever Peter Berg throws at me. You know who’s interesting on that? Cliff Curtis, who plays a crazy adrenaline junkie helicopter paramedic. He kind of wins the TV Diversity Sweepstakes (at first I thought he was Indian, but he’s actually from New Zealand. And once played Pablo Escobar! Far better than Adrian Grenier did). Speaking of Peter Berg, I have no idea what’s going to happen on Friday Night Lights when it returns to DirecTV, but I will be there. Er, here. In my office, where we have DirecTV. I understand that Riggins will be back (RIGGINS!!) but not Tyra. And Matt Saracen is sticking around Dillon to break our hearts like five thousand more times. Plus, Coach and Mrs. Coach! I almost forgot how deeply I love Friday Night Lights, you all.

And that is kind of it. Yeah, there are other returning shows I’m looking forward to, and I will give a looksee to Flash Forward, The Good Wife, and Modern Family, but with Jay Leno effectively blacking out five hours of primetime a week to me, this appears to be what my DVR will be filled with this fall. And! The Daily Show returns tonight! That is making me very happy. What are y’all looking forward to?

We have a winner! Many thanks to everyone who entered our TNT-sponsored giveaway of the first season of Leverage, plus a Dark Blue poster signed by the mouthwatering cast. We asked you to tell us what the last thing you stole was, and to our sadness, none of you said “an election,” “the Mona Lisa,” or “Taylor Kitsch’s pants.” Bad readers. Try harder next time.

Hardison is busy stealing ONE HUNDRED BEEEELLION DOLLARS.

But several of you did send us some appealing tales of theft. Here are a few of my favorites:

“The last thing I stole was a glance at the very cute guy who likes to go running in my neighborhood. mmmm… tasty.” Get it, Faith.

“The last time I stole something I was 7 years old, and was at my 9-year-old cousin’s house coveting her sparkly tiara. I stole it and took it home with me, and when she came over to my house a few months later, I forgot and wore it in front of her. Oops.” Oh, amateur.

And I particularly liked university instructor Eric (if you are a professor, sir, I apologize), who inadvertently swiped a whole stack of lovely books from his department. “The next day, I realized that the books weren’t free—someone was just in the midst of moving offices. I still haven’t figured out how to discreetly return them.” Points for proper use of “discreetly,” Eric.

But our winner is Dhawal Parekh of Maple Grove, Minnesota, who has a produce-loving son and a casual relationship with The Law.

The last thing I stole was a tomato.

Let me explain. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old son. He loves to eat his vegetables, which is bizarre, but I am not complaining. One day while shopping for groceries with him in tow, we came across a heap of nice red beefsteak tomatoes. And he just had to have them right there and then. So I took one when no one was looking and gave it to him and he finished it off completely.

I did not pay for it and my son enjoyed the tomato.

This is how and why I stole the tomato.

We hope your son also enjoys the quips and heists on Leverage, and grows up to be a thoroughly law-abiding, fruit-and-vegetable-eating citizen.

You guys know how I love the Food Network, right? I do. I love it. My weekend rituals involve bagels, coffee, Jamie Oliver, and Nigella Lawson. And now, something else: this wonderful new show, What Would Brian Boitano Make?, in which Olympic figure skating gold medalist Brian Boitano cooks food and is adorable.

That's not juice. It's Brian Orser's tears.

So I think the Food Network has been on a bit of a downward slope recently, as I haven’t enjoyed their newest crops of chefs, including Aida Mollenkamp, the Neelys, and the various Next Food Network Star winners. I’m also not a fan of Food Network Challenge, in which people attempt to make architecture out of cake. I’m more of a classicist, myself. I like the trinity: Mario, Bobby, Rachael. But if What Would Brian Boitano Make?, or WWBBM, as I’m going to call it from now on, is indicative of the network’s new direction, I whole-heartedly embrace it.

WWBBM is a pretty straightforward cooking show, at least as far as I can tell from the first episode, which aired Sunday. You will be pleased to learn that the theme song is of course the one Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote for South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, which is one of the things that makes BB so awesome. When Trey and Matt write a song about you, or put you on their show, it is best to react with good humor and feel rightly flattered (see also: George Clooney). And Brian is an engaging host with an easy rapport in front of the camera. Unlike Anne Burrell, whose show I like, but who is not the most natural person on-camera, Brian seems perfectly at ease talking to the camera and acting quite ridiculous. He has this splendidly sinister laugh, and I also like that the kitchen he uses does not seem to be designed for TV, and isn’t all Top Chef with the Sub Zeros and gleaming six-burner ranges. It looks like a fairly normal, although large, home kitchen.

So the first episode featured Brian cooking a spread of noshes in order to get his friend Tony laid. No, really. It was funny, with the snide little references to The Bachelor. I don’t know what they have in store for future episodes, but here’s what I’d like to see: guest star Johnny Weir. I mean, I know Johnny doesn’t eat, but how awesome would it be? They could drink sparkly cocktails and talk smack about that bitch Evan Lysacek. Michelle Kwan could come! There would be voodoo dolls of Tara Lipinski and Jeffrey Buttle. It would be the greatest cooking show EVER. Food Network, make this happen.

To conclude Degrassi week, here are two definitive lists of the best and worst the Degrassiverse has to offer.

The Five Best Characters on Degrassi: The Next Generation

1. Ellie. At its best, you can watch characters on Degrassi grow and change the way real kids do throughout middle school, high school, and college. Granted, sometimes Degrassi puts them through changes at a whiplash-inducing pace, but sometimes it’s more gradual. Look at Ellie, who started out as sort of a baby goth. We eventually found out about her mom’s alcoholism and her own self-mutilation issues; she dabbled in music and art, and eventually turned to serious journalism in college. She’s also unlucky in love in classic Degrassi fashion: let’s see, she liked Marco before he came out to everyone (seemingly one at a time); she lived with Sean for awhile before he returned to his parents; she liked Jimmy and turned him on to art, but he didn’t feel the same way; she liked Craig, so many times, always at the wrong moment, like when he was really into Manny and/or cocaine. She even fooled around with Marco after he came out to everyone! Girl cannot catch a break. Which sort of makes sense; how many kids meet their soulmate when they’re sixteen? You can always count on an Ellie plotline to fall more on the serious, smart end of the Degrassi ludicrousness spectrum. And I’m not just saying this because she’d be the one I’d have a crush on if I went to Degrassi.

This is just how I roll. Into fences in the woods.

2. Craig. Craig was probably Degrassi’s one shot at a male heartthrob; the other candidates rock that unfortunate combination of troubled and brooding yet Canadian that renders their sex appeal a little muddled (or so I would imagine). But Craig’s got the soulful-troubled-nerd thing going on, which better fits the Canadian teen show profile. Did you see the ones where Craig confronted his bipolar disorder by trashing a hotel and beating the living shit out of his stepfather? That. Was. Intense. Did you see the one where he tells Manny “it’s not the locker I don’t like… it’s you.” Even. Better. Also, no matter how hard the poor bastard tries, no matter what kind of English he’d like to put into it or sophisticated funk or plaintive singer-songwriter angst he’d like to spin on it, his music still sounds like Jason Mraz.

3. Manny. Manny represents Degrassi’s soapier side, as she’s swung through many of the show’s soapiest operas: she was the other woman who came between Craig and Ashley; she had Craig’s abortion (now who’s worse than a locker, Craig? Huh?!); she is somehow, in the show’s universe, on her way to international superstardom entirely from an only slightly unwholesome friendship with Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes. The Emma-Manny relationship has been a backbone of the series from the earliest days, and unlike fellow founding young’ns JT and Toby, no one in that friendship was stabbed to death.  Manny gets the spot over Emma because she whines less, and because that abortion episode went there so hard that The N didn’t air it in the U.S. for like a year. Also, she’s like ice cream, but, like, hot.

Manny: sometimes available with bangs.

4. Spinner. One of the most fun things about a Degrassi marathon is tracking the horribleness of Spinner’s hair on a scale ranging from somewhat horrible to unspeakably horrible.

This is probably about an 8 on the Spinner horrible-hair-o-meter.

Spinner began as a young man of primitive tastes (favorite film franchise: the Clown Academy series!) and now stands tall and proud as, uh, the manager of a greasy-spoon eatery that is, by most estimates, no more than fifteen feet from the high school he barely graduated from. And a part-time drummer. But like an unkillable strain of part-time-drumming bacteria, Spinner survives, and his resilience has become weirdly heroic. Give him ball cancer, shoot him in the shoulder, call him “honeybee,” whatevs: Spinner flourishes, by which I mean, gets absolutely no better at drumming. Also, no mention of Spinner is complete without a link to Boycott the Caf, the only Spinner-loving Degrassi fansite you’ll ever need.

Holly J. Sinclair; not pictured ever: Heather Sinclair.

5. Holly J. One of the most awesome things about Holly J. Sinclair is her genesis: for the first bunch of seasons of Degrassi: TNG, there was a running gag about the unseen Heather Sinclair, usually mentioned by Paige (“I saw better dancing at Heather Sinclair’s grade three sock hop”) and implied to be sort of like Paige, but even meaner. Heather Sinclair is sort of the Tino of this show, though because the show has lasted far longer than My So-Called Life, they’ve had more pointed references to Heather’s almost Keyser Soze-like existence. To wit, this “Degrassi Mini” from a few years back:

Anyway, Holly J. Sinclair was introduced as Heather’s younger sister, and equally popular slash mean. At first she mainly just bossed around her underlings, but over the past few seasons she’s had the most interesting story arc of the new kids: getting exiled for her nasty behavior, losing status when her family became poor, and now working at the Dot under the tutelage of one Mr. Spinner Mason. She’s somehow become one of the show’s most likable characters, sort of like Paige but less of a mess.

Don’t forget the worst!

Degrassi week continues with a look at what some of the show’s alums are up to. With Degrassi Goes Hollywood tying up the loose ends for some of the older characters, it’s time for those actors to step out of the way so we can see their plotlines recycled through the new cast. (I can’t wait to see who the next teen mom will be!) For those who are departing, I recommend emulating these four people—the ones with the most successful post-Degrassi careers.

Aubrey Graham. You can call him Drake. Or Drizzy, if you can pull that off. Driz graduated from playing Jimmy on Degrassi to being a bona fide hip-hop star under the tutelage of Lil Wayne. (Awww, and I remember when he went to his first Kid Elrick concert.) This year, Drake has had a heatseeking single, a VMA nomination, and a rumor that he made out with Rihanna. Score! And even with all the success of “Best I Ever Had,” I still half-expect to see him in a wheelchair.

Lauren Collins. Despite Jesse’s mean comparisons to Miss Piggy (Collins: “Who? Moi?”), Collins is one of the few Degrassi cast members to make the leap to real, in-the-theaters movies—with actual lines. Sure, I didn’t see Take the Lead and I thought Charlie Bartlett was kind of a mess, but it’s so not her fault, hon. Between features, she’s done other TV shows (Life with Derek and The Best Years, two series I assume are not exported south of the border), so she might be the hardest working Degrassi in showbusiness.

Shanae Grimes. No longer content to be Degrassi’s Darcy, homegirl catapulted herself from one high school to another, albeit one in swankier zip code: 90210. I’m told this show is still on the air, so props to you, Grimes. IMDb also tells me she was in an episode of Dead Like Me. I know there are some TiFaux readers out there who will be excited by that. For me, I’m more excited that they managed to name-drop her in Degrassi Goes Hollywood (the wannabe starlet says that something is just like Shanae Grimes, or something similar). Gone, but not forgotten!

Nina Dobrev. Dobrev, who plays Mia, was cast in the upcoming CW joint the Vampire Diaries. The only reason this is considered a good career move so far is that fact that most people haven’t seen the Vampire Diaries. I suspect when they do—through no fault of her own—she’ll fall off the list, dragging Boone from Lost with her. Then again, it’s got the word “vampire” right there in the title, so maybe it’ll be a runaway success.

Some other post-Degrassi tidbits:

Art imitates life: Christina Schmidt, who played Terri on the show, actually went on to become a plus-size model for Torrid. Similarly, just as the character of Ellie is defined mostly by being passed over (by Marco, Sean, Craig, etc.), actress Stacey Farber came close to getting, then lost the title role of Juno. (Daniel Clark, aka Sean, made it in, but he didn’t have lines.)

After graduating from The N/Teen Nick, the next logical place to go is…Lifetime? Look for a number of Degrassi albums in their cheesy movies-of-the-week. One particularly juicy installment, called Devil’s Diary, about an ancient book that grants evil wishes, starred Miriam McDonald (Emma), Deanna Casaluce (Alex), and Alexz Johnson from Instant Star.

Besides Drake, two other Degrassi stars have put out albums: Cassie Steele (Manny) and Andrea Lewis (Hazel). As far as I can tell, neither album came out in the United States.

There are no cast members from the original Degrassi series on the first list because I couldn’t find anybody who’d gone on to do anything great. (I swear that I read somewhere that one of the actors started working at a pizza place after Degrassi.) It seems that the most plum post-Degrassi gig…is Degrassi: The Next Generation, something Pat Mastroianni (Joey), Amanda Stepto (Spike), Stacie Mistysyn (Caitlin), and others were able to come back and do as adults. (Girl who played Liberty, take notes. Your character had a baby, too. You can be the next Spike!) Stefan Brogren (Snake) has them all beat, because he actually directed an episode—a cool one, too, a “what-if” episode about zombies. Sure, it was shorter than a half-hour, but it was a pretty good Romero knock-off.

That thud you  hear? That’s us running head-first into the end-of-summer TV doldrums. Sure, when I turn on the ol’ tube, there’s stuff there–but is any of it worth watching? Anything? Is anyone psyched that Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is back on? Did anyone catch the premiere of Shark Tank? Who tuned in to the Teen Choice Awards? I’m getting a distinct “null set” vibe from these questions.

Until the fall TV shows start rolling out–or at least until the Degrassi made-for-TV movie (this Friday!)–let’s see what else is going on, shall we? Here’s a brief check-in with some other areas of popular culture that may not be experiencing as much of a lull.

Movies: The big blockbusters are mostly behind us, but the Internet has nothing but raputorous things to say about this weekend’s District 9. Quentin Tarantino is always good for a larf, so we should all expect some craziness from his absurdly spelled Inglourious Basterds.

Movie Trailers: An artform in and of themselves, you’d be remiss if you didn’t watch the new trailer for Where the Wild Things Are, as well as the trailers for Alice in Wonderland and A Serious Man.

Music: Dan and Jesse might know better if any great albums are coming out before the end of summer, but right now I’m pretty happy about Heath Ledger’s video for Modest Mouse’s King Rat. (Hey, a music video is kind of like watching TV!)

Books: I just read the Time Traveler’s Wife in preparation for the awful-looking movie this weekend and it was wonderful, but in case you’re not looking for books that are four years old, there’s a new Thomas Pynchon novel out that’s supposed to be pretty good, and another one of those Philippa Gregory books comes out soon if that’s your thing.

Internet Nerdery: Facebook bought FriendFeed? Who cares–we’re Twitter people. That reminds me: Follow us on Twitter.

There, that should tide us over for the next couple of weeks, when we can go back to being couch potatoes (as is our natural state).

So, I experienced a weird, personal collapse of the space-time continuum. I was watching a lot of The State (plug: I watched it for a PopMatters review ) right when Michael & Michael Have Issues debuted. 1995 collided with 2009, and I had the urge to dig out my old flannel again (though that happens every so often no matter what).

Can I just say that I’m amazed it took this long for The State to make it to DVD? I love that show, but up until last week I really only loved my memories of it. Even though the members of The State pop up in comedies all over the place–and there are 11 of them, so they can do a lot of damage when they divide and conquer–I guess MTV/Paramount didn’t think the show had a big enough audience to make a DVD set (and clearing all the music rights therein) worthwhile.

I’m glad they changed their minds. I was afraid when I got the DVDs that the humor wouldn’t hold up over time, but most of it does because the gags are more absurd than of-the-moment. I managed to locate my exact favorite episode–the first episode of the second season, the one with the talk show about monkey torture–and it’s still just as funny as I remember.

What I didn’t remember, though, is how high-energy the show is. It’s like they tried to smooth over their inexperience by being really frantic and moving really fast. Watching it now, the quickness just makes the series seem puppyish.

Now Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are no longer puppies. Their new show is slowed down considerably, and I think they’ve learned that faster doesn’t necessarily equal funnier. They’ve also honed their personas in ways you can only see traces of in The State. Michael Ian Black, in particular, addresses the camera directly in a few of the sketches on The State, beginning his monologues with “Hi, I’m an on-air personality,” so you can see the roots of the “Michael Ian Black is a very famous celebrity” attitude that he still keeps up on Michael and Michael Have Issues. Since they’re sitting a little bit more in their comfort zones, and basing their comedy off of heightened versions of their own personalities, they’re missing some of the absurdity of The State or even Stella.

Basically, I just want them to bring back the monkey torture.

As of late, I’ve been spending my unemployment Googling videos of my favorite stand-up comedians. What can I say — at least it keeps me off the streets?

One of my new favorites is Jen Kirkman, a baby-faced comedian from LA with an adorable lisp and a huge dark side.  You may remember her from appearances on Chelsea Lately or perhaps Drunk History Vol. 3, where she was the narrator behind the Oney Judge escaped slave story.

Jen has great conversational style and, like Janeane Garofalo, tends to drop lots of small jokes instead of huge laugh lines. She tends to cover a lot of female-centric topics (baby showers, etc.) but she has a dark enough take on it that everyone can enjoy it (as long as they have a dark side too).

Here’s a clip of her talking about gay marriage and BMs.

Here’s another good clip of her discussing the sensitive and — to me — ever mysterious subject of female masturbation.  It’s actually very funny and not really blue at all.