Don’t think I’ve forgotten you, Cheerleader Nation. How could I stay away from your sloppy hairstyles (Kaitlin) your flat iron addictions (Chelsea) and your special way of making a full set of eyelashes clump together into 4 spikes (Ashley). How could I abandon you now when, headed into the regional competition, you’ve been slacking on your basket tosses and leaving your coach and choreographer wondering if you Want It badly enough. I could never leave you. No, I couldn’t.

 Especially when this week’s episode brought us the single best throwaway line in television history. One of those offhanded comments that makes you sit up and go “Wait, did I hear that correctly?” a la george bush doesn’t like black people.

Meet Saleem.

Saleem is choreographing the Dunbar cheerleaders of Lexington, KY to what we hope will be their 3rd consecutive national championship. He’s doing such with chants like “WE ARE {clap} {clap} DUN-BAR!” so I’m going to go ahead and assume that he has his phD in literature from Columbia.

We don’t know much else about Saleem other than he has a “day job” that he never describes and he takes things way, way, way too seriously. Then, this episode, Donna (the coach/ mother of teeny cheerleader Ryan– yes, that’s a girl) drops the bomb– Saleem is roommates with the cheer choreographer for their rival team, Tates Creek. Who is also a dude.

Do the math here. Were you to, say,  google apartments in Lexington, KY, you’d rapidly discover that Saleem can live on his own for less than half of what I pay to have a roommate in NY. But instead, Saleem goes home to his (hot) roommate, where they discuss heel stretches and partner stunting. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve got your number.

Look, I’m not saying that I make a HABIT of watching ABC Family Originals. My sunday is pretty much jammed with Grey’s Anatomy, Family Guy, and Cheerleader Nation (which, by the way, OMG, it’s best show tv has seen in forever– forevah evah? forevah evah!). But when Channel 14 promises me The Cutting Edge Two: Going For The Gold, well, I sit up and I pay attention.

We all remember The Cutting Edge, yes? If pressed, I would say that between 40-60% of my close friends own this on VHS. And it continues to be worth the $8 they originally spent for it. So, so, good. Small plot summary: Doug Dorsey has his Olympic hockey career ended by an eye injury (is it an eye injury? A concussion? Help me out here) and is recruited to complete a pairs figure skating team with spoiled and haughty Kate Moseley, who is on her way not only to marrying the wrong guy, but to living a life of quiet predictability when Doug arrives to shake things up. FYI, Doug is played by DB Sweeney, whose IMDB headshot rivals Hugh Grant’s mug shot– not in terms of attractiveness, but rather creepy cracked out desperation. Perhaps this is because his biggest project since The Cutting Edge was short lived teen series “Live as we know it” with kelly osbourne. I’m just postulating. Anyway, there are some hilarious moments (”Hey, there’s only two things I do well, sweetheart, and skating’s the other one!”) and appropriate third act complications before they realize they’re in love and kick some ass at the Olympics.

I know what you’re thinking, and I’m one step ahead of you (as per always)– how could a plot so interesting and not at all formulaic be manipulated into a made for TV sequel? Will the Hilary Duff fans of the universe really tune in for a sassy skating movie? Can we ride the wave of the 06 Winter Games right into the shore of Cutting Edge 2 without wanting to take a skate blade to the temple?

This time, the sassy ice queen figure skater (get it? ice queen? Appropriate BOTH because of her skating on ice, and also her chilly demeanor?) hooks up with an equally sassy Xgames inline skater during a summer outing at the beach. Here’s the thing, though– neither knows that the other is famous for their respective athletic triumphs! They love each other based just on who they are! And, I’m guessing, the dude’s fondness for puka shell necklaces and the girl’s insistence on wearing spandex! But wait, then they find out that they hadn’t been totally upfront with one another! and they get upset and part ways! then she needs a new skating partner! and GUESS WHO shows up at auditions! But then, OMG, his exgirlfriend who looks like a scary mix between skeletor and Jeri Ryan shows up! And the pair totally blows their long program! And we’re JUST NOT SURE if they’re going to pull it out in the end, romantically or otherwise!

I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, so please just make a point to catch the repeats. And when you do, please mentally explore this topic: Who is Figure Skating Chick an odd hybrid of?

 I’m going with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Hayley from the OC, and a splash of Jennifer Garner. Thoughts?

Seriously, nobody knows! The greatest scientific minds in the world can’t come to a consensus on this. You’d like it would be because it’s made of water, but you would be so wrong. Also, there’s like a dozen different kinds of ice. Bet you didn’t know that, huh?

So lots of people have already said lots of stuff about the ladies’ ice skating last night. Personally I feel a little robbed, as a spectator, as after about 30 seconds of the winner’s routine I fast-forwarded because she was boring and it was really, really late. I am not a fan of these new rules of judging. It’s extremely trying to watch the same jumps and spirals over and over again, just because those are the ones that will earn you the most points. Where’s the weird, fun choreography? Even Sasha Cohen’s choreography, which was clearly the best, was pretty generic.

It was somewhat satisfying, however, to be able to have announcer-lady really break it down for us and explain why even though Sasha Cohen fell twice she still beat Irina Slutskaya (fall count: one). It’s because she scored better on spins and artistry, by the way.

Who doesn’t love the Olympics. Specifically, the figure skating, and even more specifically, the men’s figure skating. The matador costumes! The bold arm movements! The total badasses! (He’s here, he’s weir, get used to it! Oh, and he has a blog).

I expected all of my loyalties to lie with Johnny Be Good after seeing the documentary short that NBC put together on him in which he (a) wears a pinkie ring and (b) talks about how Republicans won’t like what he’s done to the bold sport of figure skating. I had no idea that a Belgian figure skater named Kevin Van Der Perren, despite breaking my rule of two names to every famous person, would steal my heart forever.

Who is this Van Der Perren, you ask? Let’s take a look at his sassy foreigner profile, in which he cites “movies” and “music” as being two of his hobbies.

Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. The VDP skated to the soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean. This guy:

Thanks, sean gillis!

Thinks he’s this guy:

I know it takes some doing, but once you wrap your head around it, you can totally see the resemblance. Whatever he’s selling, I’m buying. You may have come in 9th, Kevin VDP… but you won the gold medal. In my heart.