In recent weeks a certain phrase has risen to #2 on the list of words people search for to get here. #1 on the list is “tifaux” which is not surprising. But #2 is now “lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts” which is surprising, since a) this is not the kind of site that links to such things and 2) it’s so specific. I think MSN’s gossip column coined the phrase but I can’t say for sure. The top result on Google is someone else mystified by all you pervs. And it turns out we show up on the results list because Dan mentioned Lindsay Lohan in a funny headline once, and described a contestant’s fingernails on “Playing it Straight” as “too well manicured?” Both posts show up on the same page on “The Gays” category page. Google figures that’s close enough to a firecrotch shot.

Of course, now I’ve just made the problem worse. Oh well.

Here are the top 15 keywords:

1. tifaux
2. lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts
3. casey “top chef” (We’re #56 for this search. Does Casey have a lot of time on her hands? Spoiler?)
4. soaring flying (natch)
5. tifaux “ip address” (this has been a favorite since the Tournament and all the IP Address discussion. I think it’s people trying to figure out what their Tifaux’s IP address is and not people still mad about the dirty Tournament cheaters. For me on NYC Time Warner Cable all that info is on channel 996.)
6. how tall is cj from top chef (He’s 6′8″ tall!)
7. www.tifaux.com
8. i hate carlos mencia (and who doesn’t?)
9. were soaring (again, no surprise here)
10. mythbusters hd (already discussed)
11. the hills season 2 episode 1
12. lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts. (note the period at the end of the search. Some people make sure they use proper punctuation when searching for dirty pictures of celebrities)
13. how tall is cj on top chef (6′8″)
14. how tall is cj top chef (still 6′8″)
15. john krasinski shirtless

I can’t say anything that Maggie hasn’t already said about High School Musical 2: Havana Nights. But I can cop to the fact that I spent the first hour of my workweek scouring YouTube to get my HSM fix, and came up with the “official video” for breakout hit “I Don’t Dance,” which incorporates nearly every player I’ve ever had on any fantasy baseball team of mine. Plus Bronson Arroyo. Plenty of Jose Reyes high fives, plus David Wright exactly as I like to think of him: Sliding into home.

In case you’re not a subscriber to CosmoGirl magazine, you might not have heard that last year’s wildly popular original Disney movie High School Musical released a sequel on Friday — the sure to be even more wildly popular High School Musical 2. If you know nothing of these cultural touchstones, I can explain them using a simple analogy.

High School Musical:Grease::High School Musical 2:Dirty Dancing

Remove all the sex from the older movies, and you’ve got your fair approximations. Overall, HSM Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo was an improvement on the first. Considering they made the first one for about $5 and a sandwich, and then it went on to become the bestselling album of 2006, they had a little more to work with this time around. The songs are peppy and better produced. The choreography is fun. And Ryan is vindicated! Hooray Ryan! Our hero!

There were two numbers that our viewing party knew immediately would be the breakout hits. One was the baseball song, ironically titled “I Don’t Dance.” It’s genius in every way. The other is Troy’s big number, “Bet On It.” Troy is played by Zac Efron, and right now, he’s the hottest thing in pre-teen crushes. He’s huge. Witness, these comments. His solo number was bound to be the hit of the evening, and this one delivers.

“Bet On It” incorporates/borrows/appropriates so many cultural references, by the third time we had rewound to savor the cheesy goodness, I was taking notes. See if you can think of any I missed.

• With his all-black ensemble, shaggy hair, and blue eyes — and with the subtext of the song, which is all about whether or not Troy’s going to be a good friend or continue being a jerk (embracing the Dark Side, so to speak) — Troy resembles Luke Skywalker to a scary degree. Later in the song, stumbling upon a rocky pool, I could swear he was about to raise a X-wing out of the water with his mind.
• In that same segment of the song, Troy sings to his reflection in the pool. My immediate thought: The Lion King, Simba talking to his dead father.
• Any time anyone walks and snaps their fingers in time they automatically owe royalties to West Side Story.
• Similarly, the leaps through the air and the long shots of him dancing his merry way along the path bring to mind a former teen classic that they’re talking about remaking, Footloose.
• At one point, Troy leaps from a grassy spot of the golf course into a new shot, which features craggy rocks with weeds sprouting out of crevices. The abrupt change in locale and his dogged insistence on moving forward bring to mind our heroes in The Lord of the Rings. Almost expected him to jump into a snow-covered mountain next.
• The song itself: Justin Timberlake junior.
• The sweeping crane shots of Troy singing his blessed heart out, with mountains in the background, sadly reminded me of the absolute worst/funniest part of the movie version of Rent — Roger’s Bon Jovi video version of “What You Own.”
• When Troy picks up some sand and tosses it to the ground: a little David Copperfield, no?
• I also saw snippets of Michael Jackson, Karate Kid, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Creed’s Arms Wide Open video. And much more, I’m sure.

Disney seems to be pretty tightly monitoring the YouTube situation, so I can’t find a link to this particular number. I’ll keep my eye out, though, so I can share this special experience with you all. In the meantime, just try to mash up all those things I listed. You’ll get a pretty accurate picture.

ETA:

We have a joke around here at TiFaux, and that joke is the incessant commenting on the Soaring Flying High School Musical post. It’s not even that amusing of a post. I’m kind of embarrassed by it, frankly. But I’m more embarrassed — and fascinated — by the reaction it’s gotten.

I know drawing attention to it will only make it stronger, but I can’t help it. And admit it — aren’t you a little curious how big it can get? Will it reach a hundred comments? Two hundred? When will the madness stop?

Here’s the story: Apparently if you google the words “soaring flying,” lyrics from the big number from High School Musical, this post is the first thing that comes up. So we at TiFaux are graced with the nation’s — and the world’s — fairly stupid youth.

Am I being harsh? Hard to say. When I was ten years old there was no internet to speak of, and even when I was fourteen there was no such thing as “blogging” or “comments,” so it’s impossible to know what I would’ve been like as a kid in the internet age.

But honestly. There’s no way we were that stupid.

It’s one thing to believe that somehow, this little blog is in communication with actor Zac Efron. We as adults know that the world doesn’t work that way; maybe kids just want to believe that he’s out there, waiting for him. I guess I can understand that.

It’s another thing entirely to leave your phone number in a comment on a blog in the hopes that Zac Efron will now call you. Please, don’t do that. Just don’t.

[You will note that we x'd out the numbers. No matter how stupid they are, I'm not going to be held responsible for some kid getting kidnapped.]

Not all of them are native English speakers, which means that they may not be great at grammar. That doesn’t mean they’re stupid — it’s the content of the posts that worry me, not the spelling. Writing a comment that just lists the lyrics of the song: That’s stupid. Asking Zac Efron for his MSN: That’s stupid. Calling everyone else on the post stupid: Also stupid, even though that’s what I’m doing now. (The comment-observer has become that commenter!)

It almost makes you nostalgic. Ah, to be a kid again. Too impatient to bother spelling out whole words. Quick to anger. Eager to love. Full of opinions, and the conviction that the world wants to hear them. It’s almost touching, if it weren’t kind of also scary.

I’ll leave you with my favorite of all the comments. There are so many priceless gems, it was hard to choose one. But this one stood out — for its simplicity, for its directness, for the fact that it’s in all caps. Enjoy!

Anonymus [sic]: “EVRY1 IS GAY CEPT ME.” [sic]

Poetry, isn’t it?

1. The nation’s youth, who have made High School Musical the #1 album of 2006 and who continue to show off their illiteracy on this post, have a hard time separating reality and acting, and may or may not be dangerously stalking Zac Efron.
2. Lucas Grabeel was born in Missouri. Ashley Tisdale was born in New Jersey. The wee person who plays the shy composer is from Russia and was (duh) a ballerina.
3. Ryan wears a lot of hats in the movie. Literally.
4. Though the movie is set in Albuquerque, it was actually shot in Utah. At several different high schools. I don’t know about you, but my mind is blown.
5. The person or people writing the pop-ups did no research and did not have access to the internet. After identifying practically everything on screen (Tony Hawk is a skateboarder. Stephen Sondheim is a musical theater composer. Karaoke is when you sing along with pre-recorded music.), they fail to identify perhaps the most obscure, but actually musical-related, reference: the original Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford. For some reason, this makes me crazy mad.
6. In Los Angeles, there are people whose job it is to sparkle up any item of clothing.
7. Ryan and Sharpay are two wine spritzers away from some really weird and hilarious incest.
8. Everything is improved with pop-ups. Even completely inane pop-ups. Even incredibly cheesy made-for-TV musicals.

We’re breaking freeeeeee!

High School Musical is everywhere these days, even more so than usual, and it’s been a while since we reiterated how cool and up-to-the-minute we are with the hot teen trends. The DVD has been destroying everything in its path. The girl — Gabrielle? I’ve watched this thing twice and I can’t seem to make these names stick — just signed a record deal. What can’t this show do?

Next week predictions: Sharpay stars opposite Ben Affleck in a remake of The Seven Year Itch. That guy from Jersey Boys relinques his Tony Award to Troy. Ryan gets elected to Congress and spearheads a campaign to legalize gay marriage. Etc. (In truth, they are all still starring in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, which I suppose I will now TiFaux to keep up my “street cred” with the “kids,” and to simultaneously lose all my “street cred” with “adults.”)

Last night, I took one for the TiFaux team and watched the Disney Channel’s incredibly popular original movie, High School Musical. And let me just say up front, I did not regret a single second of it. (As the Simpsons would ask, “Are you being sarcastic?” To which I’d reply, “I don’t even know anymore.” In all honesty, I can’t decide if I enjoyed this sincerely, ironically, post-ironically, or post-post-ironically. Maybe a little bit of each?) There’s something innately entertaining about a bunch of kids really mugging the hell out of a ridiculous script. They’re not doing it ironically, I can tell you that much. Just look at them.

As the curtain rises (so to speak), we meet Gabriella (beautiful bookworm) and Troy (sensitive jock), the two most talented sight-readers in the history of singing. Seriously, they don’t even need to know the notes — just give them the words and they’re harmonizing like pros at a New Year’s karaoke bash. Hey, I’ve never sung like that in front of people before! Me neither! You were really good! So were you! So I guess I’ll never see you again, huh? Okay bye!

But wait! If you’ve seen Grease, you can imagine what’s coming. If you haven’t, you can probably also imagine what’s coming. Take out all the clever or dirty bits and you’ve got an idea of the rest of the plot. Should they audition for the musical (pardon me, the Twinkletown Musicale) together? Will their friends/coaches/teammates understand? The answers are yes, and of course not. But in the end we learn that in fact anyone can do anything they want. That guy from the basketball team loves baking — bake away. That chubby girl nerd loves hip hop — bring it on. And Troy and Gabriella just gotta sing, and win the big game and the scholastic bowl, respectively. Why not? (But no kissing.)

Even though I could not stop smiling at this wonder of the small screen, I did have slight a problem with the moral here. As a person who was forced to quit math team a record three years in a row due to theatrical commitments (NERD!), I just don’t think it’s actually possible for them to be the awesomest at literally everything they do. Coaches get mad. Directors are unreasonable. There’s a little thing called “homework.” And it’s just not practical to plan on pulling the fire alarm every day so you can make it to both practice and rehearsal.

The climax of this movie wasn’t even a performance, it was the audition, which means they haven’t even started dealing with being totally over-scheduled. Though with the crowd the audition gathered, and the special effects used, I doubt the school has the budget or the audience left to go through with the real thing.

Oh man, speaking of low budgets, one of my favorite parts of the movie happens when Troy invites Gabriella up to his secret rooftop hiding place, so they can talk about how much they really like to sing and definitely not make out.

(Gabriella walks up the stairs to a deck filled with approximately a dozen small potted plants.)

Gabriella: Wow, it’s like a jungle up here!

Yes, just like a jungle, Gabriella. Watch out for that lion hiding out by the tiny cactus behind Troy’s head.

In the end, “moral” aside, there’s not much not to love about High School Musical. It’s got it all (but no kissing). It’s the classic and eternal struggle between the sports and the arts, between smart kids and not-so-smart kids, between mean superficial people and nice ones, between being yourself and being more of yourself, and between singers and people who like to watch singing. That last one doesn’t really have much conflict. But then, neither does the movie.