Tuesdays are simple: House and Reaper (for now).

I’m enjoying the addition of wannabe assistants for House. Kal Penn is funny, that devious chick is driving me bananas, and the old man adds a bit of gravity to the proceedings. I almost wish we didn’t have to get the regulars back — at least Cameron and Foreman. I have a soft spot for Chase.

There’s not much to say about Reaper except that, like most of the new shows, its fate is hanging in the balance. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that of Chuck and Reaper, only one can survive. I wasn’t too disappointed with yesterday’s Chuck, so we’ll see how the match-up goes this week.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Watch Michael Apted’s 49 Up on PBS.

I should get an ambiguous job in consulting.

• You Ain’t No Picasso compiles songs for Heroes. Two seasons worth, in fact.
• Jane Seymour’s future on Dancing With the Stars is uncertain after her mother’s death.
• Which Hero are you? Take this quiz. It’s a throwback to the late nineties.
• There won’t be a Deadwood movie.
• House won’t be available anymore on iTunes.
• Reaper’s Ray Wise talks to USA Today.
• Athiests everywhere say “I told you so” as Comedy Central renews Mind of Mencia.
• MSN does a TV geek survey.
• CBS is going to air a Lonesome Dove prequel.
• T.R. Knight has learned a lot by coming out.
• Hulk Hogan will host American Gladiators.
• The makers of Cane are defending their choice to cast non-Cubans.
• An interview with the dude who plays Raja on from Aliens in America.
• The mother of the pack on Meerkat Manor is dead at six.
• In housekeeping news, you should read the two comments that are up on the Greys Anatomy mad lib post. Pretty funny stuff.  Also, you can enter our Nip/Tuck giveaway! Click here to read all about it.

Warning: Avert Your Eyes! Cavemen, the sitcom based on the Geico cavemen ads, premieres tonight on ABC. Be very careful, everyone, and keep your finger poised to change the channel at any moment. Carpoolers premieres directly after that, and while it doesn’t look nearly as bad (and I kind of like Jerry O’Connell — what?), it’s still one of my first picks for early cancellation. Besides, I can’t watch either of these because of the House/Reaper juggernaut clogging up the tifaux.

Yay House and his class full of people to make fun of! House is my one true procedural, and it goes to great lengths to break up the formula whenever possible. That’s one of the reasons I like it so much. The other reasons: great writing, and Hugh Laurie.

Reaper gets a season pass (and a category tag) based on last week’s premiere. I’m a little concerned it’s going to rely too heavily on a “monster-of-the-week” formula, but if the characters are engaging enough (and Ray Wise creepy enough), I’ll go with it. And as long as it doesn’t have a second-week fall-off like Chuck (seriously, Chuck needs to get a b-story, and quick), I think we’ll be all right.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: I miss last year’s Tuesdays. Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars and House all together? We were so full of witty repartee we practically became Noel Coward by the end of the night. Those were the days.

Shows we’re not watching that premiere tonight: Bones, Dancing with the Stars, NCIS, The Unit, Boston Legal, Cane, Law and Order: SVU. This proves it — I don’t watch all that much TV!

Returning show we are watching: House. Word on the street is that Cameron, Chase, and Foreman aren’t in this episode at all. Word on the other street is that eventually Kal Penn will show up (not tonight, but soon). I am beyond excited about this, partly because I’m picturing Kumar and House getting high together, engaging in a hilarious battle of wits, and then making everyone else uncomfortable with some racially insensitive jokes.

New show we are watching: Reaper. The buzz on this has been great, and it has the best one-sentence summary of any of this season’s new shows: 21-year-old finds out his parents sold his soul to the devil. Also, the devil is Ray Wise. That’s a recipe for success right there.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Ken Burns’ The War continues on PBS, for some good old fashioned learning about history.

Oh my God, I’m turning into Hello Kitty.

• First and foremost, PROJECT RUNWAY debuts Nov. 14!
• C.J. from Top Chef talks about last week’s surprise elimination.
• Eliza Dushku has signed a development deal.
• TV Guide previews the next season of House.
• Zap2It recognizes some familiar faces. But Peter Krause? Come on now.
• The singer for the Goo Goo Dolls and Sheila E. will be the judges for the new ‘American Idol for Bands’ show. Because I guess C.C. Deville was busy.
• Meet the new Beauty and the Geeks, if you feel the urge.
• A spoiler chat with E-Kristin.
• Bradley Cooper + Cameron Diaz = Love?
• Kevin Smith will direct an episode of Battlestar.
• South Park will be around for another 3 years.
• Scott Baio’s show will plague us for another season.
• A dude named Jeff Fahey, who looks like the crazy, drunken, bearded Mel Gibson mug shot, has been added to the cast of Lost.
• ABC Family loves the gays, I guess.
• Kenan Thompson is going to try to drop 60 pounds so he can play Barack Obama on SNL.
• Donal Logue hasn’t given up on TV.
• The AV Club lists 15 TV sensations that faded fast.
• Aasif Mandvi chats with the Washington Post.

We’ve got some ominous clouds looming.

• House’s Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer have called off their engagement.
• James Marsters has scored a recurring role on Without a Trace. His character’s name? Detective Mars. I swear to God.
• The young people love The Hills.
• Zap2It matches all the presidential candidates to Law and Order characters.
• Kathie Lee will make a return appearance on Regis and Kelly.
• The House soundtrack album will feature Massive Attack, Elvis Costello and Josh Ritter.
• 24 production has been delayed.
• That “Officer and a Gentleman” bachelor and his chosen have called off their engagement, but are allegedly still together.
• David Milch is rebounding from John From Cincinnati with a Vietnam-era cop show.
• Weeds is doing well in the ratings.
• A new Ask Ausiello’s got stuff on Nip/Tuck, Scrubs and Desperate Housewives.
• Finally, start your morning off right with this package of Tina Fey Weekend Update best-ofs.

You have spoken. You spake. You’s gone and done it.

You cast your ballots and the Keith Mars/Jack Donaghy match-up goes to Mr. Mars. It wasn’t a squeaker like I thought it was going to be, but it’s probably a bad idea to make predictions on this like this. Who the hell knows what you are thinking, Internet?

Next…

I don’t really know where this match-up came from, but I still find it compelling. It’s Dr. Gregory House versus Maxwell Sheffield (The Nanny).

I guess Cristin suggested British actors who play Americans and for some reason my mind immediately went to Mr. Sheffield. But he actually is a Brit playing a Brit. This makes no sense, but I’m going with it anyway.

So, on one hand we’ve got the crotchety, crutchety Dr. House whose shoots venom out of his eyes. On the other, we’ve got the spry, if kind of foppish, theater-producing Maxwell Sheffield.

We’ll see what happens.

Dr. Gregory House

Strengths:

• Angry by nature/just waiting for an excuse to whoop some ass
• More worldly
• Tougher by a mile

Weaknesses:

• Um, he walks with a limp
• All talk
• We all know that tough talk is protecting a sad, frightened little boy

Secret Weapon: High on pain meds

Maxwell Sheffield

Strengths:

• No stranger to psychological torture at the hands of Nanny Fine
• In shape from all the slapstick comic antics
• In better physical condition

Weaknesses:

• Persnickety
• Lack of resolve/spine (see the Fine/Sheffield will-they-won’t-they romance; the time he said he loved her and then took it back)
• Theater producer

Secret Weapon: Streak of grey in his luxurious mane.

I swear, no picture has ever been taken of me where my eyes aren’t glowing like some hell-sprung demon.

• There’s no father-daughter affair in the Heroes cast.
• Someone knocked up and married Nancy Grace. Not necessarily in that order.
• Jay Leno’s chuckling sidekick Kevin Eubanks is this year’s sexiest vegetarian. Alongside Carrie Underwood.
• Top Chef guest judges don’t get paid.
• America’s Got Talent is doing well; Hell’s Kitchen isn’t.
• Zap2It’s TV Gal does the Amy Awards.
• Isaiah Washington refuses to fade into obscurity.
• A new Ask Ausiello with questions about Brothers and Sisters (I don’t know, people must watch it), House, the Veronica Mars comic books and My Boys (<–Cristin! Meh?).
• Mary-Louise Parker and Jeffrey Dean Morgan: six names, two broken hearts.
• The race against puberty is on for Everybody Hates Chris.
• Saddam Hussein mini-series, anyone?
• The story behind the Nikki Leotardo mess.
• The Germans are going to have a 24-hour Death Channel. In the states, we like to call that Discovery Health.
• Oxygen and Molly Shannon are going to find the next female sitcom star.

She never hollers cuckoo til the fourth day of July.

• Peter, Bjorn and John are going to be on Leno tonight. And Modest Mouse will be on Letterman tomorrow. More indie TV news here.
• Regis and Kelly are on fire. As in, actually on fire.
• Comedy Central’s new pan-ethnic lineup includes a show by Michael Ian Black and “David Alan Grier’s Chocolate News.” I’m frankly at a loss about the latter.
• Heroes pretends not to be a nerd haven for Emmy voters.
• Veronica Mars/Kristin Bell rocks a bikini on the set of her new movie.
• More Kyle XY for you to not watch online.
• A think piece on, of all things, the USA Network. I still think of it as the network that reruns Bosom Buddies and Dick Clark-era Pyramid.
• Jenna Fischer’s on the mend.
• Zachary Quinto as a young Spock? Yeesh.
• If you can’t wait for the next season of the Kathy Griffin reality show, you can watch the first episode on Bravo’s Web site.
• A bigger cast for House this fall?
• Are you ready for Pirate Master?  It’s on tonight.

House airs its season finale tonight. At one point in the past two weeks, I got into an argument with someone who disagreed with me when I claimed that House had beaten American Idol in the ratings. I don’t remember who, and I don’t remember why he would dare to question me in this matter. As it turns out, I was wrong, and so I am sorry, nameless stranger. All I can say is that I’m an optimist and I may have read that article a tad too quickly.

Next Best Thing: Who Is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? airs on Wednesday, and looks like a whole bag full of crazy.

Also on Wednesday, Hidden Palms premieres on the CW. It’s created by Kevin Williamson, who you may remember from Dawson’s Creek and the Scream movies. It’s about the secret lives of teenagers in Palm Springs. I leave it to you to draw your own conclusions. My only thought is to wonder what exactly the past ten years have been like for Kevin Williamson.

The National Spelling Bee is airing on ABC on Thursday! Remember when it was only on ESPN? How far we’ve come, as a society.

Pirate Master debuts at the same time on Thursday. I expect Cristin will share her thoughts.

Studio 60 continues to exist and infuriate people, only as far as I can tell, no one’s defending it any more.

And in case you’ve missed the ubiquitous subway advertising, The Starter Wife, starring Debra Messing, begins on Thursday on USA. It’s summer, so I’ll mention it, and I won’t judge you if you choose to watch it, but it seems a little too earnestly feel-good self-empowering for beautiful people. Witness, the website.