She never hollers cuckoo til the fourth day of July.

• Peter, Bjorn and John are going to be on Leno tonight. And Modest Mouse will be on Letterman tomorrow. More indie TV news here.
• Regis and Kelly are on fire. As in, actually on fire.
• Comedy Central’s new pan-ethnic lineup includes a show by Michael Ian Black and “David Alan Grier’s Chocolate News.” I’m frankly at a loss about the latter.
• Heroes pretends not to be a nerd haven for Emmy voters.
• Veronica Mars/Kristin Bell rocks a bikini on the set of her new movie.
• More Kyle XY for you to not watch online.
• A think piece on, of all things, the USA Network. I still think of it as the network that reruns Bosom Buddies and Dick Clark-era Pyramid.
• Jenna Fischer’s on the mend.
• Zachary Quinto as a young Spock? Yeesh.
• If you can’t wait for the next season of the Kathy Griffin reality show, you can watch the first episode on Bravo’s Web site.
• A bigger cast for House this fall?
• Are you ready for Pirate Master?  It’s on tonight.

House airs its season finale tonight. At one point in the past two weeks, I got into an argument with someone who disagreed with me when I claimed that House had beaten American Idol in the ratings. I don’t remember who, and I don’t remember why he would dare to question me in this matter. As it turns out, I was wrong, and so I am sorry, nameless stranger. All I can say is that I’m an optimist and I may have read that article a tad too quickly.

Next Best Thing: Who Is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? airs on Wednesday, and looks like a whole bag full of crazy.

Also on Wednesday, Hidden Palms premieres on the CW. It’s created by Kevin Williamson, who you may remember from Dawson’s Creek and the Scream movies. It’s about the secret lives of teenagers in Palm Springs. I leave it to you to draw your own conclusions. My only thought is to wonder what exactly the past ten years have been like for Kevin Williamson.

The National Spelling Bee is airing on ABC on Thursday! Remember when it was only on ESPN? How far we’ve come, as a society.

Pirate Master debuts at the same time on Thursday. I expect Cristin will share her thoughts.

Studio 60 continues to exist and infuriate people, only as far as I can tell, no one’s defending it any more.

And in case you’ve missed the ubiquitous subway advertising, The Starter Wife, starring Debra Messing, begins on Thursday on USA. It’s summer, so I’ll mention it, and I won’t judge you if you choose to watch it, but it seems a little too earnestly feel-good self-empowering for beautiful people. Witness, the website.

You can take your fancy pants bistros. All I need is CPK.

• Reality Blurred has a bunch of Idol-related stuff, that I guess I won’t summarize because you probably care or you don’t.
• The Simple Life is even more fake than you thought it was — the alleged camp that Paris and Nicole are working at is made up of actors.
• Mark Cuban vs. Donald Trump in battle of the disgustingly wealthy.
• Omar Epps discusses his fate on House.
• TV Gal talks season finales.
• Adam Sandler’s Gay Robot YouTube series might get animated. Okay — so between that Chuck and Larry movie and this, when did Adam Sandler become the nation’s foremost queer comedy authority?  And Gay Robot is awful, by the way, but you probably didn’t need me to tell you that.
• Matt Roush talks Emmy nominations — must be that time of year.
• Corporate heads are rolling at NBC.
• There’s a new reality show for aspiring TV producers. No, not On The Lot. A different one.
• That show The Loop is coming back, if you remember it.
• Visit the TV Show Pitch Generator.
• Carol Burnett is out of luck in her suit against Family Guy.
• Ty Pennington got 3 years’ probation.
• There are now Prison Break dolls. I’m guessing some TiFaux Tournament voters might be flipping out over the prospect of a plush Wentworth Miller.
• I guess I’m not the only one who thought last Thursday’s Studio 60 was marginally less awful than usual.

A week from Saturday — polka dot dresses and clap-along anthems.

• Heidi and Spencer from The Hills are engaged. And the Bachelor people talk about how fun it is to be in love. God, everything sucks.
• Lost producer Carlton Cuse talks about one of the biggest moments of last night’s finale.
• And Tim Kring talks about the Heroes finale.
• Someone won AI.
• Veronica Mars: the movie?
• Fox Reality is debuting a show that is basically Police Academy.
• The Queen loves Hugh Laurie.
• Muslims on TV are examined. Not in the passive voice.
• Cracked has the top 15 cartoon theme songs, including Tiny Toons, Ducktales and Talespin.
• Take a look at the new Flash Gordon.
• Jim J. Bullock will have a reality show.
• US Weekly claims that Isaiah Washington is on the outs on Grey’s.
• An interview with Noah from Heroes.

This is it for the Gilmore Girls. I don’t have anything particularly eloquent to say, except that it was one of my favorite shows for a very long time, and I’ll miss the sheer volume of words said in any single episode. It’s a show that didn’t always go for the easy stories, and that’s pretty great. And there was Lauren Graham who is just fantastic in every way. So… au revoir, Stars Hollow.

Veronica Mars limps toward its possible series finale (fingers crossed; we find out Thursday) tonight as well. I miss the Lily Kane murder. Heck, I miss the bus crash. I even miss — a tiny bit — the Hearst rapist. But even with all that missing, I think we can agree that Paul Rudd last week was one of the greatest guest stars on a TV show ever.

A new House tonight, too, featuring an “obnoxious 16-year-old chess prodigy.” That sounds extremely promising.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Oooh, a show on WE called The Secret Lives of Women, all about crazy moms and sex addicts and stuff. Tonight’s episode is about Munchausen syndrome, a cool name for a sad syndrome.

Look, I was on the Veronica/Logan bandwagon from way back, but it’s time to try something new — and conveniently, hey, there’s Piz! So darn loveable! Basically what I’m saying is I will fight you if you run down Piz. That includes you, Veronica. The other really exciting thing about tonight’s episode is that it’s Paul Rudd’s guest starring appearance. Let’s just hope the mystery and Keith’s subplot improve compared to last week’s preachy “issues.”

It’s also the penultimate episode of Gilmore Girls. Rory graduates, and it seems like Logan’s about to do something really, really stupid. Please, please, I’m begging the looming spirit of Amy Sherman-Palladino and all that is right and good in the world, do what you can to put this thought into Rory’s head: “Logan, I love you and stuff or whatever, but I’m just not ready to get married.”

So Foreman’s put in his resignation on House. Eh, who cares — let’s get a body full of creepy gross diseases in here, stat.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Did you guys know that there was such a thing as Hooters Magazine? Knowing that, can you actually believe that people would compete for the prize of being featured in said magazine? If big boobies and barely-concealed despair appeals to you, you’ll like the Hooters Dream Girl Challenge on MyNetworkTV.

Aww, look at our tournament winner! Better start treasuring these final moments, Veronica Mars fans. The (most likely) final few episodes start airing tonight. God, I’ve missed Veronica, and I’m going to miss her again when this is done. Sniff. We’ll always have the season one DVDs, right, V?

I asked for it, and the universe responded (it’s The Secret): Rory Gilmore did not get the Reston fellowship. Oh, woe, whatever shall she do now? Perchance she shall steal a boat? Mayhap she’ll marry her a-hole boyfriend, so he’ll take care of her forever? Seriously, though, I want to know, and it better not be either of those two things. (Rumor has it the actual answer involves one of my favorite words… karaoke.)

And there’s a new House. This is, like, the best night ever.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: In a night of so much awesomeness, I almost abstained from recommending anything else, but then this caught my eye: Body Doubles: International Twin Search, which also might be the first thing I’ve ever mentioned from MyNetworkTV. It’s a search for the world’s hottest twins. I really don’t know what else to say.

So I met my idol last night and he signed my book and was very nice. But then I realized my whole body was shaking, so I decided to excuse myself.

• Stupidhead FCC wants to take away our TV violence.
• Mark Harmon is pissed and might quit NCIS — which is still on the air.
• Everybody say heeeeeeeeey — TCM is celebrating gay pride.
• Producers are stockpiling scripts in case of a writers’ strike.
• Heather Mills got eliminated on Dancing With the Stars.
• That show Kitchen Confidential from a million years ago will be coming to DVD.
• E!’s Kristin talks about the House romances. And she also has some spoiler news.
• Speaking of spoilers — Ask Ausiello is new.
• Woody Harrelson to return to TV?
• Battlestar Galactica + The X-Files = a miniseries on Lifetime, of course.

Only one week to go until Veronica’s back.

Let’s have a small word about last week’s Gilmore Girls. I was so glad to have them back, even if the episode felt a little uninspired (like this season). But if Rory Gilmore gets one more awesome accolade handed to her, I will punch something. Even absurdly amazing girls* like Rory fail sometimes. Everyone fails, because the world is not perfect, and sometimes meritocracies don’t work or there’s just someone better out there. The fact that she never, ever fails at anything makes her so much less interesting and relatable. Anyhow, tonight: I’m still excited about having new episodes.

From the description, House tonight sounds like there’s a lot of intrigue. I won’t spoil anything, but the Wilson/Cuddy date thing is obviously going to be an issue, and the mystery sounds more Foreman-centric.

The Honorary Cristin and Dan Selections: Pussycat Dolls and Work Out.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Is anyone else terrified by the MTV show Scarred? I know I’m not exactly their target demographic, but I’m pretty sure even when I was a kid I didn’t like seeing other people get seriously injured. But then again, I probably wasn’t their demographic back in the day, either.

*A maddening article you probably don’t want to read anyway hidden behind the TimesSelect wall.

Our long national nightmare is now over.

• Get the Planet Earth DVDs for $42. Relive the carnage.
• Mark Burnett says he’s going to take The Apprentice somewhere else if NBC cancels it.
• Sanjaya’s gone on AI — hopefully this will damage ratings.  Also, the suits on the show deny that the show is one big glass closet.
• Laguna Beach might be cancelled.  In other breaking news — Laguna Beach is still on the air.
• The Henry Rollins Show is back on IFC.  This week’s guest was Peaches, singer of “Fuck the Pain Away” and “Lovertits.” True story: I saw her perform lewd acts on stage at the Siren Music Festival on Coney Island.
• Joan and Melissa are out and Lisa Rinna is in for the red carpet at the TV Guide Channel. I can’t imagine how they thought that was a good idea.
• Neil Patrick Harris came out to avoid a “witch hunt.”
• Isaiah Washington to play a sexually abused priest.
• Lots of gay in the news today: there’s going to be another fabulous coming-out on the show Brothers and Sisters.
• Clyde Drexler is refershingly candid about how happy he was to be voted off Dancing with the Stars.
• Is House slowly acquring Hugh Laurie’s traits?
• According to Jenna Fischer, she and Angela Kinsey are BFF.