I’m typing this without moving my mouth.

• Charisma Carpenter will be on the celebrity version of The Apprentice.
• Even though certain commenter trolls think otherwise, HGTV has deemed there is nothing wrong with Kim competing on Design Star.
• The set of the British version of The Office will be demolished.
• A Hawaii orchestra will perform the music of Lost.
• There will be a little surprise in your next TV Guide, thanks to Grey’s Anatomy.
• Lucy Lawless talks about Burn Notice.
• TV Guide gives a summer TV breakdown.
• It’s official: Jon Stewart will host the Oscars.
• Some people love the Weeds theme. Some people hate it.
• Gordon Ramsay lied about his balls.
• Ja Rule can suck it.
• The Closer is, again, breaking all sorts of ratings records.
• Kohls is launching a Food Network brand.

It’s a sled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Tate Donovan talks about Damages.
• TV Guide goes backstage at the Creative Arts Emmys.
• Jane Seymour treats dancing like therapy. You know what my therapy is? Therapy.
• Jeri Ryan’s fetus is problematic for TV producers.
• Game time: Bravo’s making Project Runway for _______.  Is it: a) dancers. b) make-up artists. c) set designers. d) carpenters. Click here to find out.
• Cold Case will open its season with a Nirvana-themed episode. If you care, the songs they will be using are: “All Apologies,” “Stay Away,” “If You Must,” “Lithium,” “Drain You,” “Heart Shaped Box,” “Something in the Way” and “Come as You Are.”
• My Boys is on track for renewal.
• Johnny Fairplay from Survivor knocked up one of America’s Next Top Models. This kid does not have a chance.
• Zap2It does a fall preview.
• A spoiler chat with E-Kristin about Ugly Betty, etc.
• A new book picks apart Jon Stewart and his influence.
• The Washington Post turns into AfterElton for a minute and asks how the gays can watch The Bionic Woman even when it has Isaiah Washington in it.

Yellow is really the only acceptable highlighter color.

• Ed Helms talks about being on The Office.
• High School Musical 2 arrives on DVD in time for Hannukah (well, the sixth night).
• The new skinny girls on America’s Next Top Model have been announced.
• Mare Winningham guest stars on Boston Legal.
• TV Guide’s Matt Roush talks about Ryan Seacrest at the Emmys, Pushing Daisies and more.
• That show Anchorwoman has been canceled after one episode.
• An interview with the woman behind Big Brother. If you care. Which you probably don’t.
• Sweet! They’re bringing back American Gladiators.
• They had to find 30 babies to play Aaron on Lost.
• The Daily Show’s Rob Riggle talks about going to Iraq.
• Finally, here are some trailers for season two of Heroes. The first one plays like the concluding moments of the Left Behind series. It gets better.

I’m tying a giant ice cube on top of my head as we speak.

• Gordon Ramsay from Hell’s Kitchen talks to TV Guide.
• As does Holly Hunter, about her new show Saving Grace. Holly Hunter = slumming it?
• Cherry Jones will be the new president on 24.
• Jack Black, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be on The Simpsons next season.
• The Television Critics Awards bestow honors on The Sopranos and NBC.
• Anyone watch Bones? Here’s some info on next season.
• The Soup’s Joel McHale gabs with E!.
• If it comes to this — you can watch the season premieres of Monk and Psych online.
• A profile of SNL’s Andy Samberg.
• What Would Bob Odenkirk TiVo?
• Gilmore Girls’ Scott Patterson had a deal that kept him on the CW.
• Scott Baio and Bret Michaels: oy.
• For some reason, NBC is trying to hang onto Jay Leno.
• Did Emmy rob Tracy Morgan?
• Dawn Ostroff defends the Veronica Mars cancellation.

TiFaux readers have a standing invitation to come grill food with me in my backyard. Unless you’re a freak.

• A female WWE wrestler has joined the cast of Survivor: China.
• E-Kristin has a spoiler chat including stuff on Dexter, Heroes and Rescue Me.
• The creators of Homestar Runner have rejected the Cartoon Network.
• Rachael Ray, Jon Stewart and Tina Fey will all appear on Sesame Street.
• And NBC has a crush on Jon Stewart.
• In even more suffocating Sopranos news, HBO talked David Chase out of a full 30 seconds of blackness at the end.
• Steve Carrell is sticking with The Office.
• A study indicates that television watching decays moral values. I would have read the article, but I was too busy kissing boys in my meth lab.
• Bret Michaels stars in “The Bachelor: Herp edition.”
• Judd Apatow wants to know why you didn’t watch his TV shows.
• There’s a Quixotic quest to save Studio 60.
• Finally, if you’ve got some time to kill, watch this compilation of scenes detailing the Lost plane crash from a variety of perspectives.

Not much happening this weekend. If it’s not raining where you are, enjoy the weather.

Saturday Night Live is a repeat of one of my favorites of this season, Peyton Manning.

More Bleak House on PBS on Sunday. Ready for Guppy to embarrass himself? For Lady Dedlock to stare pensively out a window? For Richard to continue to be a total ass? You better be ready.

The Simpsons is new. Admit it, you still have it on DVR.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Jon Stewart is on Bill Moyers’ PBS show tonight. I’m sorry, that’s all I’ve got. As rainy as it is, it’s a dry weekend for TV.

I is the BFG. 

• Check out this YouTube clip of Jake Gyllenhaal wishing Ellen Degeneres a happy birthday on her show.  It's seriously enough for my novelty crush on Jake to spiral into a serious emotional problem.
• TV Squad describes the Ivy league track to TV comedy writing gigs.  And, by the way, regarding the last paragraph — Mr. Stewart may not have gone to school in New England, but he did go to the nation's best small public university. 
• In a bit of refreshing humility by an MTV reality Icon, Lauren Conrad says she doesn't want to act because "it’s not that fun, and I’m not that good at it."
• Project Runway 1 winner Jay McCarroll is the worst.  But that's not news. 
• This 'roid raging guy from Road Rules got kicked off for the second time for fighting. 
• You should really watch Angela Kinsey's behind-the-scenes video from the set of The Office.  Like now. 
• Remember that Janeane Garofalo pilot I talked about a long time ago where she's a public defender?  Well, Zack Morris is going to be on too. 
• The Washington Post does an online chat with the producers of the Puppy Bowl. 

Apparently, that's what color my shirt is.  I had been worried that it was nearly flesh-colored.

• Well, it seems like Tim Gunn is quitting Parson's for a job in the corporate world.  What does this mean for his role on Project Runway?  Well, apparently anonymous people seem to think that he's definitely on board for the next season.  Should it really be taking this long for people to figure out what's going on with the show?
• The Top Chef finale beat the first season finale by 157 percent.  It even beat ABC in the 18-49 demo.
• Ed Helms is now a series regular on The Office.  No word on Rashida Jones (aka Karen). 
• If you happen to have taken Groundhog's Day off, you can watch Jon Stewart on Jack's Big Music Show on the Noggin Network. 
• Patrick Dempsey's wife just gave birth to twin boys.  And Roseanne's Sara Gilbert (who's totally a lesbian — who knew?) is expecting her second child with TV writer/producer Allison Adler.

The Hater points out that SNL's digital shorts have suspiciously resembled other viral videos the past couple of months. What struck me as suspicious on Saturday wasn't the videos, though — it was the final-minutes sketch about a law firm for cats whose crazy owners left them millionaires of dollars when they died.

That sketch, if you happen to watch anything with Jon Stewart as obsessively as we here at TiFaux do, will immediately bring to mind Comedy Central's recent autism benefit show. Steve Carrell did a pre-taped segment where he urged millionaire inheritance cats to give to the autism charity. He spoke in "cat," directly to the kitties. Oscar translated into "Spanish cat."

Granted, these are two totally different approaches to the millionaire cat premise. But… did you just read that sentence? The millionaire cat premise. 

Do we live in a world so overrun with millionaire cats that there are actually multiple ways of mocking them? Is the problem of crazy-inheritance pets so widespread that it deserves two different sketches?

Basically what I'm asking is, what are the odds that both Steve Carrell and the writers at SNL both independently thought to themselves, Millionaire cats! Genius!, and that SNL didn't — subconsciously or not — rip off the autism benefit? Pretty slim, I think. 

Just because it's an autism benefit on Comedy Central doesn't mean nobody's watching. In fact, I'd venture to say that it's pretty likely the same people watch both SNL and the CC benefit. I did, at least. 

And now I've just spent an hour trying to find evidence that anyone, anywhere actually left money to their pets in their will. All I've found is this short film from 1932, which probably means "cat" in the "he's a hep cat, dig?" type of way. Major points to whoever can link to a Crazy Cat Lady Will. 

• Apparently, the Evil Empire at Bunim-Murray is casting for Fresh Meat 2.  This will air after The Duel, which starts airing this week and also after The Inferno 3.  I never thought I'd say this, but I might be out as far as these shows go.  After the travesty of Fresh Meat 1.
• The Village Voice shoots fish in a barrel Constantine Maroulis — a loser on the fourth season of American Idol.  Ouch. 
• Finally, my favorite writer, my hero, my baby's daddy David Rakoff was on The Daily Show the other day.  Watch him talk about Mark Foley, gay republicans and his native land, Canada, below.