Kyle and I have recently taken up the DVDs of The Wire, which is just as good as everyone says it is. We're a couple episodes shy of finishing the first season, and as it's a show with four completed seasons out in the world, we're constantly at risk of having the whole thing Brusteined.

The background story: Robert Brustein is a big-time guy in the world of theatre. A couple years ago he was introducing a screening of the film Jacob's Ladder, attended by Kyle and his roommates at the time. In his introductory remarks, Brustein totally gave away everything that happens in the movie, ruining it. Thus, the verb "to Brustein" was born.

You can be Brusteined at any time. Once, many, many years ago, I was giving my brother and his friend a ride home from the mall. A movie with a famous twist ending had just come out, and I hadn't seen it yet. Neither had my brother. My brother's friend started talking about it, and I told him to shut his stupid trap. The next words out of his mouth? "It was Kevin Spacey."  

Last night, we attended a comedy show featuring Aziz Ansari (who is hilarious; if you haven't seen this, stop everything and watch immediately). Aziz was talking about how great The Wire is, a sentiment with which I could not agree more. And then this happend.

Heckler: They kill [character name].
Aziz: WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?

And indeed, why would someone do this? Why would Robert Brustein ruin Jacob's Ladder? Why did that little snot say Kevin Spacey's name?

I can understand accidentally letting spill some nugget of info, in your enthusiasm for discussing a great piece of entertainment. But who gets off on taking all the suspense out of everything, just for a moment of feeling smart and superior? What kind of person Brusteins with a smug smile on their face (because, as I'm sure you've noticed, these assholes are always smiling)? Do they want to be slapped across the face?

Please, Brusteining psychos, let us enjoy our early episodes of The Wire in peace.

Also, do watch The Wire. I have learned so much about drug dealing.

A while back, the Onion AV Club came up with a list of loathed TV characters. I think it's time for an update, because I am full of rage right now at several people.

Walter, Betty's Boyfriend (Ugly Betty)

I know I said I was going to stop watching this show, but you know what? I lied. I still watch it. Every week. It's fun. But you know what's not fun, at all? WALTER. Walter is the opposite of fun. He's whiny, controlling, needy, pushy, a cheater, and not too bright. I HATE Walter. I have not hated a character this much since they introduced Ana Lucia. If they don't break up in the next four episodes, I may have to stop watching this show. And I'm serious this time. 

Logan Huntzberger, Rory's Boyfriend (Gilmore Girls)

Most of the rage on the internet is directed at Christopher, Rory's formerly absent but now all-too-present dad, but I think this is just distracting from the more important issue: Logan's complete and utter awfulness, and how he's slowly transferring his awfulness to Rory. Sure, he's out of the country, but his privileged, smug, jocular, manipulating, fundamentally unsympathetic influence can be felt all across the state of Connecticutt.

Danny Tripp/Matt Albie (Studio 60)

Sometimes it's Danny. Sometimes it's Matt. Sometimes it's neither, and I'm happy. But fairly frequently, I want to say: Stop arguing my side of the debate because you're getting it all wrong. Or, you're making good points, but you're leaving logic holes the size of Nevada (that quaint and sort-of-hick-ish state) all over the place. Or, why aren't you spending more time making your show funny instead of sermonizing? Or, JUST STOP. STOP TALKING.

Preston Burke (Grey's Anatomy)

This was a tough one. How to choose? They're all so uniquely horrible, all despicable and blind in their own special ways — what makes poor Preston worse than the rest? I think, in the end, it's that he's risking all these people's lives, just for the sake of his ego. Sure, he doesn't talk about it as much, and he's not as whiny and predictable and sentimental as the rest, but that's pretty bad.

Mohinder Suresh (Heroes)

It's not so much that I hate Mohinder, though I do, it's that I hate his whole storyline. It could not possibly be any more boring than it is. And the voice-overs? I zone out and look at the pretty pictures. It's not his character's fault, but I blame him anyway. 

Please.  Just stop.