The mystery is over.  We’ve finally met the cast of Project Runway 5 and

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

First of all, these repurposing challenges are always my favorite ones. I suppose it’s because I really, in the end, know nothing about fashion and because really, in the end, care fairly little about fashion that I find this exercise the most fun. It’s not anything people are used to — it’s really a fusion of fashion design and craftiness — so I like seeing all the crazy stuff they come up with.

Sadly, few designers were super-ambitious. Even the winner, Kelli, used what was essentially a fabric substitute in the form of vaccum bags. Despite themselves, even safe material decisions didn’t prevent some designers from going off the rails of good taste and decency. As always, it’s much more fun to discuss the

Above, you’ll find the three most jarringly awful creations of the evening, belonging to Blayne, Jerry and Stella respectively. Blayne’s creation was bad enough that I received a text message from a friend (who texted me like she knew there was nothing else I could be doing at that time — which is technically untrue, as I could have been engaging in my other favorite pasttimes like  blogging or drinking myself into oblivion) reading: “”What the fuck did Blayne make??” It prompted the response: “I think it was an emu. Inside out and exploding.”

Stella’s design, on the right, was stunning in its cleavage-killing, mistress of the dark gothness. I respect that she actually hated it too, though. I can’t imagine her number won’t be up soon, but at least she had the good sense to be humbled by it.

Finally, there was Jerry’s mess. I haven’t seen one garment on Project Runway described as befitting a serial killer before, so this was a first. Perhaps it’s that insinuation that caused me to think of the movie Dr. Giggles throughout the whole runway show.  Between the serial killer vibe and the gloves and the fact that she sort of looked like some sort of medical professional, I had this image in my head of that movie’s titular character sashaying down the runway with a stethoscope and bloody cleaver. (For those of you who don’t recognize that movie, see its IMDB here. It involves a doctor. Who giggles. And kills people.)

See his weirdly gracious exit interview below, where he basically says “I’m sad to be going, but I’m just glad everyone else gets to keep being awesome.”

Well, I’ll be a rat’s ass! Bravo has actually released a sneak peak at the season premiere of Project Runway.

Taking a look at the clip, I think it’s interesting that Tim Gunn says that this cast is the show’s most diverse ever. I feel like normally they would say “This is the most talented group yet.” However, he’s chosen to go with “diverse,” which could theoretically mean “a hundred different shades of shitty.”

In any case, take a look at the preview here.

(UPDATE: Son of a bitch… I can’t wait until the networks have figured their shit out with all this streaming content. Follow this link to see the preview.)

(UPDATE 2: Seems to be working now.  Regardless, the link still works.  Sigh.)

This whole Project Runway season is going to be cloaked in tension, I think. The show itself will probably be relatively unaffected but, as we’ve been mentioning lately, it’s been super-awk the past few weeks as Bravo has refused to divulge details about the show or show any clips.

It’s all based on the show’s impending move to Lifetime. Now, I feel like Bravo and the producers of Project Runway have a relationship not unlike a plotline I would see in a movie I would watch with my grandmother. The plotline of the movie involves a young ethnic adult of some sort (if I’m watching it with my grandmother, it’d be a conservative Jewish household) who develops a relationship with some young goyishe person in a far-off land. And now that the young adult wants to move away, the angry, elderly parent from the old country merely says “Son! I have no son!”

Moving on.

Point is, the folks at Jossip created a post detailing how they’ve messed with the series. Take a look and take note of their bitterness.

• They aren’t promoting it to critics. Screeners of the show’s first few episodes, which have always gone out to reviewers ahead of time for advance write ups, were not distributed this year. That means there’s almost nothing for television writers to preview, reducing what’s usually blanket coverage of the show to critics sniping about not being able to review the show.

• An unscientific survey of Bravo’s programming turns up what feels like a suspiciously minuscule amount of on-air plugging for the new season. Generally, a network will promote the crap out of one of its hit shows during commercial breaks in the weeks leading up to its premiere in an effort to generate buzz and ratings. Not this time. That Runway is even on Bravo’s dial this season seems like an afterthought.

• Tim Gunn has gone on record saying he’s not thrilled with the direction the show is going. If you don’t have the gays on board, you don’t have any standing.

• Bravo refused to reveal much, if anything, about its fifth and last season ahead of time. The line up of contestants, usually made available weeks ahead of the premiere, debuted on BravoTV.com only today.

• What else debuted on Bravo’s website today? Round-ups of every single future episode, including what the challenge will be and which celebrity guest will be appearing. Even in the finale. This is a profoundly uncharacteristic move for Bravo. Previously, the details of each episode were held as close to Bravo’s vest as a state secret would be to the CIA; the following week’s celebrity judge would be the subject of endless speculation, gossip column plants, and on-air promo spots that cut away just before the identity was revealed. This is a complete about-face for Bravo’s publicity plan and flies in the face of marketing logic. The icing on the cake? When you visit the episode recap page (spoiler alert!), the first synopsis, at the top of the page, is of the season’s last episode, not the first. (To be sure, the recaps do not tell you which contestant is voted off. But they might as well.)

In other news, if you want a bit of breakdown of the cast, read Reality Blurred’s round-up.

Tim Gunn is just the greatest. I know this isn’t anything that hasn’t been said a hundred times, but he’s so funny and classy and kind. Greatest gay uncle ever.

In any case, here’s a clip of him answering questions for Time (apparently breaking the code of non-publicity for this season of Project Runway). He covers a bunch of topics including his distaste for season three’s Vincent and his admiration for Michelle Obama (who, as it happens, I’ve recently become obsessed with).

Take a look.

Get out your vegemite and get into your finest kangaroo-skin boots — it’s time for Project Runway Australia. Airing on Arena (the Aussie Bravo), the show has its own variations on Heidi, Tim Gunn and the gang. Here’s a teaser (note: I just realized that John posted this earlier in the day. Whatever.  You’ll watch it again and you’ll like it!):[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/9IN4p59Jkrc" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Now I’m not sure if there’s any kosher way to watch this show (although you don’t have to be too crafty to figure out how to watch it on the old computer), but I’m sure I’ll make an effort to tune in. Wink, wink.

I’ll keep you posted on how things develop — perhaps there may be some recapping in the future. Don’t hold me to that.

Desperate times call for desperate television choices. As such, here’s a preview for Shear Genius — Project Runway for hairstylists. It debuts June 25.

It should be noted that, in all likelihood, this will be entirely watchable. The question is — do we really want to make this kind of investment?

Maggie noted (way back when) how these fifth generation Project Runway clones are like the clones in the Michael Keaton farce Multiplicity. By the fifth time he copies himself, the clones are functionally useless and stupid — wearing pots on their heads and such.

However, sometimes I wonder if there were other variations of Runway that failed before that show debuted. Now, in the event of Runway’s success, those failed shows are being trotted out even though they never quite worked. It’s like that fourth Alien sequel — the one with Winona Ryder as the spunky pixie robot — where Sigourney Weaver finds all of the failed clones of Ripley before the one that actually worked. They were all mutated and preserved in brine — some of them were just clumps of teeth and hair.

Shear Genius is probably somewhere between a clump of teeth and hair and Sloth from The Goonies. If you follow my drift.

Before I am done with TiFaux, I won’t be happy until I’ve turned it into a vaguely indie version of Bop or Tiger Beat.

That is to say, I want to keep one of our steady focuses on boys and why they are so dreamy. Forget quality writing, forget interesting performances — I’m a man who knows what he likes. While I may put up this exterior of a savvy, sophisticated bon vivant (and don’t even front — I know I do), I’m really just a schoolboy scrawling Mrs. Daniel Gyllenhaal into the margins of my notebooks and dotting the i’s with hearts.

On that note, I’ve made no secret of my love of the tattoos. There are few things hotter than a well done sleeve of ink (other than, perhaps, holding some sort of ethnic baby. And, even then, that’s more cute than hot).

So I’ve rounded up a list of some of reality TV’s hottest tattooed folks. I’ve even thrown in some ladies to satisfy our minority of heterosexual male readers (and, hopefully, growing readership of lesbians). Not that we don’t love all our readers just the same.

At the end, you get to vote for your favorite. Hooray!

Trainer Bob

Show: The Biggest Loser

Oh, Bob. Such a contradiction. On one hand, you’re the Southern drawling, caring nurturer. You contrast sharply with Jillian’s unsmiling taskmaster. On the other hand, your tattoos speak of a strange edge that is otherwise undetectable. It’s very intriguing.

Kat Von D

Show: LA Ink

Kat Von D is the star of LA Ink, spin-off of the TLC show Miami Ink. It’s the show where people get all tatted up and explain why their near-death experience being bitten by a shark is the reason why they need a tooth emblazened across their back. Von D is very eighties metal in her style (leather, studs, hair, hair, hair). It makes sense that Wikipedia reports that she is dating Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx.

Kevin Christiana

Show: Project Runway

The most recent season of Project Runway was bizarrely tattoo heavy. Even bird-like winner Christian was inked up with a picture of a squid. And because Rami was unadorned, we must turn our attention to token straightie Kevin Christiana. Kevin’s tattoos were a bit punk rock — or maybe I just think that because he usually wore black.

Angie

Show: Survivor — Palau

Angie is from an obscure season of Survivor (well, they’re all kind of obscure after a certain point), but I really have fond memories of her. She was the tattoed, awkward loner who never excelled in gym class, blah, blah. But then she turned around to totally dominate in challenges. She got cut lamentably early, but I’m still a huge fan.

Mark

Show: Top Chef

The good thing about these featured walking canvasses is the fact that their tattoos are compared with something unexpected (a smiley, centered fitness trainer; a fashion designer). With Mark, it’s a curly-headed cook with a New Zealand accent. I like the tribal design, even though in this picture he looks pretty ridiculous with the aviator shades and sleeveless number.

Starbuck

Show: Battlestar Galactica

I know this isn’t a reality show. In fact, it’s about as far away as you can get. However, I can’t let a notable tattoo like this go unnoticed.  Anders has a matching one, if you recall.  I like how it’s kind of tribal, which conflicts with the fact that they’re on a spaceship. That’s the good thing about Battlestar, when you get down to it — they focus on real issues and characters without getting bogged down on the science fiction (which is just an effective backdrop).

• Sad news, Monk star Stanley Kamel found dead
• Sad news, High School Musical 4 already in works
• Cylon Number Six scored a deal with Fox
• Oprah spinning off vajayjay doctor
• The gay on Pushing Daisies is…
• Lots of Office scoop! Including the fact Lauren Graham may be in the Office spinoff!
• Mike Myers will host the 2008 MTV Movie Awards
• So I guess Oprah is going to appear on 30 Rock? Also some spoilers for tonight’s episode
• Will Jericho ever die? Possible third season on cable, expect the 4th season at your local community theater.
• The Onion interviews John Krasinski

Project Runwaygate: Day 3

• Project Runway feud was a long time coming
• Lifetime is promising that Sophie and Dorothy will not be judges on Project Runway but the Boston Herald begs to differ
• Lifetime also bought the rights to a Project Runway spinoff

The following post is in the form of a letter to God. I apologize to all those who take issue with my use of the Almighty while tackling the issue of cable reality television.

Dear God,

Are you there? It’s me, Dan.

I know that things have been weird between us for a while, but I was wondering why you pulled this latest shenanigan with Project Runway.

There are certain things that I know to be true. Orange and chocolate will always be a delicious combination. Wearing a white belt is never a good idea unless you are either extremely gay or extremely European. And Project Runway was meant to be on Bravo. It’s just a fact.

I mean, Bravo was nothing until Project Runway came on. It was the network that had snoozey art movies and Inside the Actor’s Studio — which is still only tolerable in small doses (if it’s still on, which I’m not completely convinced of).

But now you’ve gone and moved it to Lifetime — a move that I find both perplexing and mildly offensive. Very mildly.

First of all, there’s a difference between Lifetime and networks like We and Oxygen. Oxygen is fun for Roseanne reruns and vaguely girl-centric television. Lifetime is for Meredith Baxter-Birney-loving middle-aged ladies who like to watch movies about mistreated wives, missing children and miracle babies. I can’t imagine that people are going to easily make the transfer to Lifetime.

Perhaps, though the network is going to try to reinvent itself as the New Bravo. After all, it has that show Gay, Straight or Taken that I can’t be bothered to research whether it is still on or not (doubt it). I just don’t necessarily feel like making room in my life for another gay man/single gal TV network. Bravo was, frankly, filling that void quite amply.

So, God — back to you — could you just make NBC’s lawsuit work and bring Project Runway back to Bravo. It only makes sense. Then, we can all get back to our old lives.

Talk to you soon,

DAN

P.S. — Thanks for whiskey and puppies.

For our straight male non-fashion inclined readers I separated out all the Project Runway stuff. You’re welcome!

• Man who signs letters “your priest stalker” pleads guilty to stalking Conan O’Brien
• Flight of the Conchords announce spring tour dates
• The Simpsons become a ride at Universal studios
• The ladies of Battlestar go all Barbarella on us
• American Idol fans pick David Archuleta as the winner
• Bob Odenkirk gets a pilot on CBS, Ken Marino from The State gets one on Fox
• Family Guy musical coming to LA
• HIMYM You decide: TedMosbyIsNotAJerk or TedMosbyIsAJerk
• Darren Aronofsky develops thriller for AMC
• Kim Cattrall talks Sex and the City and gay rights
• Monk, Psych, Dexter perform better on cable than broadcast TV
• E! Krisitin has spoilers on Lost
• Firefly coming to Blu-Ray with new bonus features

Project Runwaygate

• Weinstein’s Fault: NBC didn’t renew the Project Runway contract since it was bundled with 3 shitty movies
• NBC’s Fault: Weinstein pissed off at cheap ripoffs of his show *cough* Shear Genius *cough*
• Opalescent offers up a preview of season 6 on Lifetime
• Remember that Sew Not Over competition they had online? The one where Carmen made 3 ninja outfits? Jillian ended up winning