The Emmys are on Sunday.

It always sounds like so much fun, right? But then it isn’t. The reasons?

1. The red carpet ends up with awkward chatter between Billy Bush and the fourth supporting actor on CSI: Whatever.
2. The host often ends up being a dud (and this time around there’s nothing that can’t be ruined by Ryan Seacrest).
3. You have to sit through a hundred million awards for the best miniseries/made-for-TV movie and you totally haven’t seen any of them.
4. You spend the whole time wondering if Joan Rivers’ face is just going to snap off and fly across the crowd (although she’s been reduced to Internet live blogging this time).
5. Some pain in the ass show you either don’t watch or don’t care about ends up winning all the awards.

So, yeah. I don’t know why I’m such a Negative Nellie today. But I’m just preparing myself for a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sweep. I’m fully ready to fly into a rage if anyone from that show wins (my hatred for it defies all reason).

Anyways, the real question is this: who do we all want to win? There are going to be some tough choices. Alec or Steve? Heroes or House? The entire ‘meh’ best supporting actress in a drama category.

Here are all the awards anyone cares about. Sound off!

I don’t know about you guys, but the whole Britney-Spears-sucks-at-the-VMAs thing has really made me appreciate Britney Spears. She is doing exactly what she wants to do. I think it’s the story of how she showed up late, drink in hand, and immediately fired her hairstylist that made me turn a corner in my Britney-watching. That and the weirdness and badness of what she wants to do makes me feel a sort of, you know, affection for her. Can’t explain why.

Everyone’s talking about it. So how about you?

In the grand TiFaux tradition of watching crap so you don’t have to, I suffered through about half an hour of the Teen Choice Awards last night. After this careful viewing, I was left with one disturbing question: where are all the teenage boys?

The event, judging purely from the awards, the level of banter, and the neverending squealing, seemed so girly it was practically ovulating. I laughed heartily the two times Zac Efron took the stage; the audience literally would not let him speak, overwhelming him with squeals.

If this is what the teen girls are in to, what are the teen boys watching? Seriously, I want to know. Also, why is it that teen girls have absolutely no sense of humor? The boys from Superbad and Justin Timberlake all tried to crack jokes, but the audience was dead to their antics.

Which brings me to another oddity: Superbad is rated R, and not in a mild, there’s one sex scene way. It’s an R movie. Technically teens aren’t even allowed to see it. Similarly, Ryan Seacrest won “Best Hissy Fit” for Knocked Up (which, as an aside, was an awesome hissy fit), but did these squealing girls actually go see Knocked Up? Or are they just voting for Ryan Seacrest, who’s so dreamy? Or has the voting been infiltrated by non-teens?

I think teens should see as many R rated movies as they can. That’s just a personal belief of mine. But I’m curious about the blatant hypocrisy.

So clearly I was left with a lot more than just one disturbing question. Perhaps that’s why I had to give up and turn it off: So many contradictions!

Amy Sherman-Palladino. Parker Posey. Lauren Ambrose.

I don’t care how much the pilot disappoints, I’m not giving up a chance to see all that in person.

Reserve your tickets to The Return of Jezebel James taping in Queens here! It’ll be a TiFaux event, of sorts. Thanks to Sara for the tip.

Even I’m getting a little sick of me taking High School Musical too seriously. I promise after this I’ll direct my brain-beams at something a little more worthy. For example, The Pick-Up Artist is now officially my second-favorite reality show after Project Runway. What? Not brainy enough? [Side note: Four years ago, I never would've thought I could utter the phrase "second-favorite reality show." The thought of even watching one would make me break out in hives. Ah, how times change.]

So. Ryan Evans. Ryan, as I assume you know if you’ve made it this far in the post, is Sharpay’s super-sparkly, super-awesome, super-gay (coded) brother. This is the Disney Channel, after all, so none of the characters could actually be gay, but of all the likely candidates (cough-CRÈME BRÛLÉE-cough [another side note: Where's Crème Brûlée in movie #2? Is he at culinary school? What, is the actor too good for the Disney channel now? And jeebus, crème brûlée has a lot of accent marks]), Ryan is the most likeliest. And I think Disney is kind of okay with that.

So how does Disney tell us they’re okay with it, in their subtle way? It’s not the fact that he performs in the musical; Troy performs in the musical, and he is the epitome of Disney’s manly men. I mean, Troy totally wants to kiss Gabriella. Like, seriously. The fact that he keeps letting circumstances come between himself and the kiss doesn’t mean he’s not way into it.

It’s not the fact that Ryan loves jazz squares, either. That’s just his way of annoying his sister. And besides, jazz squares are awesome. As he so aptly put it, “Everyone loves a jazz square.” You can’t argue with that.

No, it’s not the musical or the jazz squares. It is, simply, and quite literally, that he wears a lot of hats.

Get ready for another post in my continuing quest to make this blog all about High School Musical (part 2 of, potentially, hundreds). This is more of a scholarly look, because honestly, I’m seeing a huge gap in the academic community when it comes to made-for-TV Disney movies, and I’m just here to fill the need.

Sharpay Evans (blue dress) is the “villain” of the High School Musical series (technically, though, the villains really keeping our heroes down are better described as “the status quo” and “classicism”). In the first movie, Sharpay tries to keep Troy and Gabriella from auditioning for her precious musical. It was vaguely suggested, as so much was in movie #1, that she also had designs on Troy romantically, but that angle was not nearly as important as the audition plot. In the stage version (which, yes, I have seen, thank you for asking), which features an expanded book, her motivations are much more obviously confused — she spends a lot more time trying to make them into the perfect couple.

Which leads naturally to the second movie, where her motivations are more hopelessly muddled than ever. She wants Troy; she arranges the whole summer so she can spend time with him. But “getting Troy,” to her, means getting Troy to sing with her in the talent show. For Sharpay, it seems at first that romantic relationships are all about winning. She needs that trophy more than she needs Troy. Or is it all the same, really? Does she consider performing with Troy the same as being with him romantically? In a way, it doesn’t matter, because her obsession with Troy means she forces him to sing with her. Forcing him to sing with her also guarantees that she’ll win the trophy, since he won’t be upstaging her by singing with Gabriella.

So far her romantic goals and her trophy-winning goals line up fairly smoothly, if not exactly emotionally consistently. But then the rest of the staff decides to compete in the talent show together, with the help of Sharpay’s scorned brother, Ryan. A single glance at their rehearsal convinces Sharpay that they pose a legitimate threat to her trophy. This is despite the fact she OWNS THE RESORT and could just insist on winning no matter what (it’s obvious she has that power; the grumpy resort manager almost gives her the trophy, despite the fact that she didn’t end up singing in the competition at all). She can’t do it, though, because it’s actually important to her to be the best.

And that’s the key to her personality.

In case you’re not a subscriber to CosmoGirl magazine, you might not have heard that last year’s wildly popular original Disney movie High School Musical released a sequel on Friday — the sure to be even more wildly popular High School Musical 2. If you know nothing of these cultural touchstones, I can explain them using a simple analogy.

High School Musical:Grease::High School Musical 2:Dirty Dancing

Remove all the sex from the older movies, and you’ve got your fair approximations. Overall, HSM Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo was an improvement on the first. Considering they made the first one for about $5 and a sandwich, and then it went on to become the bestselling album of 2006, they had a little more to work with this time around. The songs are peppy and better produced. The choreography is fun. And Ryan is vindicated! Hooray Ryan! Our hero!

There were two numbers that our viewing party knew immediately would be the breakout hits. One was the baseball song, ironically titled “I Don’t Dance.” It’s genius in every way. The other is Troy’s big number, “Bet On It.” Troy is played by Zac Efron, and right now, he’s the hottest thing in pre-teen crushes. He’s huge. Witness, these comments. His solo number was bound to be the hit of the evening, and this one delivers.

“Bet On It” incorporates/borrows/appropriates so many cultural references, by the third time we had rewound to savor the cheesy goodness, I was taking notes. See if you can think of any I missed.

• With his all-black ensemble, shaggy hair, and blue eyes — and with the subtext of the song, which is all about whether or not Troy’s going to be a good friend or continue being a jerk (embracing the Dark Side, so to speak) — Troy resembles Luke Skywalker to a scary degree. Later in the song, stumbling upon a rocky pool, I could swear he was about to raise a X-wing out of the water with his mind.
• In that same segment of the song, Troy sings to his reflection in the pool. My immediate thought: The Lion King, Simba talking to his dead father.
• Any time anyone walks and snaps their fingers in time they automatically owe royalties to West Side Story.
• Similarly, the leaps through the air and the long shots of him dancing his merry way along the path bring to mind a former teen classic that they’re talking about remaking, Footloose.
• At one point, Troy leaps from a grassy spot of the golf course into a new shot, which features craggy rocks with weeds sprouting out of crevices. The abrupt change in locale and his dogged insistence on moving forward bring to mind our heroes in The Lord of the Rings. Almost expected him to jump into a snow-covered mountain next.
• The song itself: Justin Timberlake junior.
• The sweeping crane shots of Troy singing his blessed heart out, with mountains in the background, sadly reminded me of the absolute worst/funniest part of the movie version of Rent — Roger’s Bon Jovi video version of “What You Own.”
• When Troy picks up some sand and tosses it to the ground: a little David Copperfield, no?
• I also saw snippets of Michael Jackson, Karate Kid, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Creed’s Arms Wide Open video. And much more, I’m sure.

Disney seems to be pretty tightly monitoring the YouTube situation, so I can’t find a link to this particular number. I’ll keep my eye out, though, so I can share this special experience with you all. In the meantime, just try to mash up all those things I listed. You’ll get a pretty accurate picture.

ETA:

Do I even need to tell you who this is referring to?

“He grew up in California. He has a younger brother named Dylan. He’s a Libra. He’s dating Vanessa Hudgens. He’s in ‘Hairspray.’ His first big thing was ‘Summerland.’ He had a gap in his teeth, but he got that fixed. He went to Hawaii with Vanessa. That’s common knowledge. We saw him at the ‘Today’ show two weeks ago, but I didn’t get his autograph. His hair is amazing,” Regina said.

High School Musical 2 airs for the first time this Friday.

Five things to be happy about in respect to this year’s Emmy nominations.

1. Everybody Loves Raymond isn’t on television anymore, so it can’t win anything. Hooray!
2. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List got nominated.
3. Lots of fun surprises in the supporting categories including Jenna Fisher, Michael Emerson (Ben from Lost), Rainn Wilson and Masi Oka.
4. Battlestar did get some directing and writing nominations.
5. Guest star nominations for Laurie Metcalf and Sir Ian McKellan.

Five things to not be happy about in respect to this year’s Emmy nominations.

1. There’s at least one entry in pretty much every category that is going to fill me with dread. That is, there are four nominees I wouldn’t mind winning and then one stinker. I’m looking at you, Boston Legal.
2. Two and a Half Men continues to fill up the comedy categories.
3. I swear to God that Patricia Arquette has sold her soul to the devil for all these Emmy nominations.
4. No Veronica Mars.
5. No Dexter.

As I’ve mentioned before, the Tonys are cheesy and weird and great. This year, I’d seen a whole bunch of the shows (at least one in every category, except for Special Theatrical Event), which made me feel like a real insider. However, there wasn’t much excitement — Coast of Utopia and Spring Awakening pretty much cleaned up. The only category where I had a strong opinion (Best Featured Actor in a Play) went to my favorite — Billy Crudup in Coast of Utopia — in the first ten minutes of the broadcast, so everything after that was a little bit of a let-down. Other thoughts:

• Whoever wrote the patter needs to learn how to EDIT. I could not believe how turgid each of the presenters’ speeches were. Where’s Bruce Vilanch when you need him?
• No host. Still felt long, though.
• There is officially no way that Viva Laughlin is as great as I want it to be, but I’m still going to watch every single episode.
• Why weren’t the Tonys broadcast in HD? CBS? American Theatre Wing? What are you hiding?
• David Hyde Pierce (Niles Crane) won Best Actor in a Musical, in what (to me, at least) was a huge upset. I’ve seen Curtains, and let’s just say… it stinks. What about the adorable young lad from Spring Awakening? He got naked on stage! Does that mean nothing nowadays?
• Sometimes I think I know a lot about theater and I’ll want to show off. Then this will happen. “That’s Audra McDonald. She’s won, like, a million Tonys.” “Oh yeah? What did she win for?” “Oh. Hm. Um…… Look, there’s a dancing chimneysweep!”
• An entertaining pastime: Figuring out the tenuous connections that the presenters have to the world of theater.

That pretty much sums it up. I really wish High Fidelity had stuck around and gotten nominated, not because it was good — it was, quite possibly, one of the most misguided shows I’ve ever seen — but because I want to share the experience with the television viewing public as a whole, and you people in particular, because I believe you would appreciate it ironically, which is the only way to appreciate it, frankly. Hey — look at this, if you dare.