Previously on The Hills: I spent a lot of time coming up with those fake Leader of the Pack lyrics so you’d better damn well appreciate them.

I’ve clearly already hit the wall with this show, as I’m now 4 recaps behind and have only been brought to life by the trailers for this week’s episode that show Heidi in a wedding dress. OMGWTFLOL. And if you spend as much time as I do in the News Stand section of Borders, or as much money as I do subscribing to magazines that would make me look slightly pervy were I not currently working in what might vaguely be described as “teen media,” you already know that this clash of titans is going on in the magazine aisle of your local CVS or strip club or wherever you frequent to get your jollies:

What an exceptional role model. Next month: Miss Teen South Carolina.

My circulation rate’s much higher, biatch, so suck it. (Heidi’s note: Wait, that’s not true. I’ve slept with WAY more guys than Lauren has).

Meanwhile, Teen magazine has Vanessa Hudgens talking about how she stays grounded on their cover. You lose, Teen.

This episode opens with Heidi and Spencer getting her ring sized, since he didn’t bother to find out what ring size she was before proposing. I’m not entirely sure how boys are supposed to do this, since most girls I know don’t even know their own ring sizes, and whenever someone mentions ring sizing I always think of Little Women and how they talk about stealing a lady’s glove in order to have her ring fitted properly. Still, I’m going to rain judgement down on La Spence for not figuring this out ahead of time. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a dog-eared, tear-stained copy of Little Women in the cigar box where he keeps his leopard fur-covered handcuffs and a picture of the father he never knew. Again, there’s some confusion about which hand an engagement ring should go on and AGAIN I’d like to point out that if you don’t know, you shouldn’t be getting married. Not only is it the wrong hand, Heidi, you’re also giving him the wrong finger. Blissfully unaware of how much I disapprove of her life style, Heidi asks Spencer along to a weekend in Colorado to meet her parents. Spencer acknowledges that he and Brody were planning an epic beer-be-que, but he would “much rather” meet Heidi’s family.

The MFA candidates at MTV have entitled this one “Meet the Parents.” I liked it a lot better when they were using ridiculous pull quotes from the various heinous boyfriends of our gals.

Previously on The Hills: Spencer graffiti-tags Heidi’s favorite white wall, then proposes to her on the beach. Audrina takes back a guy who abandoned her in Vegas for strippers.

I usually play a little game with myself while I’m taking recap notes where I try to see how long into an episode of The Hills I can make it before I hit the “info” button and then groan at how much soul-sucking time is left before I can delete it and go on to watching The Pick Up Artist or Celebrity Rap Superstar. The good news is: the episode set a new record! The bad news is: I hit the “sweet effing christ I can’t believe this is what my life has become” wall a scant 4 minutes into the episode. And I couldn’t bring myself to go online and watch the pre-theme song intro scene that my DVR (blessedly) cut off, so I jumped into this episode as the title screen was informing me that “Truth & Time Tells All.”

My favorite part of High School Musical II (other than the fact that Vanessa Hudgens has clearly leaked naked pictures of herself all over the world wide web to stick it to Disney), if you can choose just ONE favorite part, was when a distraught Sharpay instructs a nearby drummer to “Give {her} a beat!” so that she can properly shashay out of the room. I’m pretty sure that, judging from how she struts, Heidi has Animal from The Muppets inside her head constantly banging out a rhythm for her to shake her skinny ass to. (”Eat drums! Eat drums!” “No, Animal, BEAT drums!” “WoMAN! WoMAN! WoMAN!”) Heidi bops into work and greets coworker Elodie, who has brown hair now. I love Elodie, largely because she and I both have ears that make us look well suited for a career of making cookies in a tree somewhere. Elodie spots the ring from across the room and exclaims “O.M.G.,” as if she’s really 18 and not, let’s say, 34. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asks. Oh, Elodie, didn’t you see last season? Fool me with a fake pregnancy scare once, shame on me. Fool me twice… wait, Heidi’s talking. “He’s not only my fiance, he’s, like, my soulmate.” Elodie heaps on the good advice. “Make sure you take a long time with your engagement. Don’t buy a wedding dress any time soon. Start with the magazines.” Well, Eldawg, she’s going to look pretty silly walking down the aisle clad only in Martha Stewart Bride, but what the eff do I know. I don’t even use acronyms befitting a much younger generation when I want to express shock and awe.

Spencer and Brody are out on the town, Brody wearing a hilariously appropriate Tshirt that states “B-Squad.” I’m sure he thinks it’s B as in “Brody man! Snoochie booches!” but I’m thinking it’s B squad as in, “I wish we had a real heartthrob but I guess we have to settle for this olympian’s kid who once banged Kristin Cavalleri.” “I need some board shorts for Cabo!” Spencer exclaims excitedly. Brody inquires after how Santa Barbra went, and Spence replies “It went amazing.” {”…but could you hold on one sec? I have a call from the National Linguistics Society, they want me to speak at their upcoming conference on parts of speech”). “I used to think marriage was the dumbest thing– for guys who couldn’t get laid. Like, back in the day: I’m gonna give you half my money, all you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me,” Spencer explains. Well, at least now I don’t have to write that bridesmaids’ toast I’ve been working on.

Sauteeing onions are the best smell in the world.

• Oh no! Jenna Fischer is breaking up with her husband.
• Rainn Wilson interviews Angela Kinsey.
• Two of the guys from Reno 911! are creating a Morrissey musical.
• Sheri Shepherd is joining The View.  Meh. She’s not Kathy Griffin… but maybe this is for the best.
• Anybody want a piece of flavored paper, courtesy of Cane.
• T.R. Knight is wisely keeping himself out of the Isaiah Washington debate.
• If you watch the new Tim Gunn show tonight, you can see the new Project Runway designers!
• The Hills was the highest-rated cable show last week.

Those 80s Jane Fonda workout tapes were bad for you. The news said so.

• The U.S. version of Creature Comforts is coming to DVD in October!
• Plans to make High School Musical 3 about a haunted house have been scrapped in favor of more of the same.
• MTV will have a reality show called Celebrity Rap Superstar (it’s just what it sounds like), and it will feature one of the Playboy Girls Next Door.
• Hulk Hogan’s son got hurt in a car accident.
• John from Cincinnati got arrested for a DUI.
• The guy who wrote Dexter lurves Michael C. Hall.
• Chelsea Lately has been renewed by E!
• LC’s fashion label is getting support from MTV.

Previously on The Hills: Lauren and Heidi’s new boobs get into an altercation at new It spot, les deux. Rihanna refuses to acknowledge that the word “umbrella” only has two syllables.

Of all the bad decisions Heidi has made concerning her body of late, I think I’m most upset about the hair. The nose is a close second, but I forgive her the boob job. Who hasn’t considered that from time to time before seeing that terrifying MTV series about people who get plastic surgery to look like celebrities and then freaking out at the episode where the drag queen gets JLo surgery. Her hair, though, which was a perfect honey-gold color last season, is now approaching truck stop bottle blonde. And it’s sad, really. It’s like when Britney released “me against the music” and the weird video where she almost makes out with Madonna and you were like “well, this is just a little too far over the edge but I think we can still get our old Oops I Did It Again-era Britney back” only to wind up with the current shit storm. I’m concerned that this is the tipping point for Heidi, that the hair is the first in a series of bad decisions, but I’m going to reserve judgement until I see her spread (ha!) in Playboy. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer are having lunch and blathering on about their apartment and moving in and how Heidi wants to pick out paint colors. It’s not important or interesting. And this episode is called “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which is fun since no one cries or even says that line in this episode, other than Fergie-Ferg. So I guess that means they put the music in and then wait for the last minute to do the title screen. I was going to make a joke here about how that’s like how Kenny Ortega just takes the plots of existing movies and then waits for the last minute to write in the High School Musical soundtracks, but it was really forced and unfunny. Also, I just downloaded all the songs for HSMII off of iTunes and “Gotta Go My Own Way” is currently in the process of changing my life, even though it contains the oft-maligned “What about us/ What about trust” lyrics which keep reminding me of that “What’s love got to do with a little menage” Fat Joe song that was totally my cheat on your boyfriend theme song in college. Hope he’s not reading this.

Lauren and Audrina are discussing Justin, whom Audrina made out with the night that Lauren totally frenched it up with the British Invasion. “Why did you stop dating?” Lauren asked confusedly, petting the tabby cat from last season that is WEARING A FISHERMANS SWEATER. It looks exactly like the one my mom brought me back from Ireland, except slightly smaller. Audrina launches into a story about how they were in Vegas and he wanted to go to a strip club and a look of realization smacks Lauren across the face. “He abandoned you in Vegas!” she exclaims, clearly having heard the story before. “Well… yeah,” says Audrina, apologetically. I feel like that conversation would have ended with Audrina saying the same thing regardless of what heinous thing Justin had done to her before. “He slept with your mom!” “He cut your hair off in the middle of the night and sold it for drug money!” “He released a single that had Spencer rapping on it!” Well… yeah.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Walk In Condom, Spencer is making yet another protein shake. I wish he would eat some solid foods and stop looking so gaunt. Maybe he’s trying to sell his diet and exercise book.

I wish my mom had gotten me that Skip It.

Heidi comes home to see that Spencer has had their living room wall tagged with an enormous Hollywood mural.

Remember last season of The Hills, when I recapped feverishly through the first half of the season and then decided that not only did I hate the show, I hated the version of myself I was when I was with it? Or the season before that, when I was convinced it would be the awesomest thing ever until it turned out it wasn’t? Third time’s a charm, kids. Time to do work.

When we last left our favorite members of Young Hollywood, Lauren (formerly “LC”) had lost her roommate and best friend Heidi to the nefarious Spencer Pratt. Intern Whitney was up for a “real” job at TeenVogue that would make her supervisor of all of Intern land, and Audrina had really big boobs. But what were they up to when they weren’t being followed by MTV?

*Heidi got new boobs and a nose job.

*Heidi and Spencer got engaged.

*Spencer and Brody gave a ridiculous interview to Details magazine that made many people hate them (more).

*The Heidi & Spencer v. Lauren feud raged across states and various forms of media.

*Heidi & Spencer were banned from The Hills premiere afterparty.

*Heidi released her first single, Body Language, which features Spencer rapping (link to radio premiere here, courtesy of Sara. A must-listen)

Still with me? Ready, Okay!

At TeenVoid, we can assume that Whitney beat out the tough competition for the Real Job as Lauren greets her with “Look at you with your new desk! I’m proud of you with your new job!” They banter a bit about how different their Intern Fortress of Solitude is now that Whitney is Lauren’s boss (awk-ward!) and that the sweaters in the sweater closet have been organized. Am I to understand that Lauren and Whitney worked their for two years and never organized the sweater closet? That would have been the first thing I did right after stealing Editrix Love’s rolodex and inviting all of the Hollywood fashion elite to a runway show (in my pants).

Lauren tells Whitney (and us) about the totally heinous LC-JWahl rumor about a sex tape that has yet to surface and how the news worked its way back to Laguna and her parents. Having had the “just a heads up, you might be seeing some pictures of me on the internet” talk with my parents many times (daddy issues, what can I say), I really feel for you.

This episode is brought to you by the phrase “You Know What You Did,” which we’ve all seen Lauren scream in the trailers. Heidi gets the last billing in the credits, and there are no group shots that include her. And no shots at all of her in a tiara. ::single tear::

In recent weeks a certain phrase has risen to #2 on the list of words people search for to get here. #1 on the list is “tifaux” which is not surprising. But #2 is now “lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts” which is surprising, since a) this is not the kind of site that links to such things and 2) it’s so specific. I think MSN’s gossip column coined the phrase but I can’t say for sure. The top result on Google is someone else mystified by all you pervs. And it turns out we show up on the results list because Dan mentioned Lindsay Lohan in a funny headline once, and described a contestant’s fingernails on “Playing it Straight” as “too well manicured?” Both posts show up on the same page on “The Gays” category page. Google figures that’s close enough to a firecrotch shot.

Of course, now I’ve just made the problem worse. Oh well.

Here are the top 15 keywords:

1. tifaux
2. lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts
3. casey “top chef” (We’re #56 for this search. Does Casey have a lot of time on her hands? Spoiler?)
4. soaring flying (natch)
5. tifaux “ip address” (this has been a favorite since the Tournament and all the IP Address discussion. I think it’s people trying to figure out what their Tifaux’s IP address is and not people still mad about the dirty Tournament cheaters. For me on NYC Time Warner Cable all that info is on channel 996.)
6. how tall is cj from top chef (He’s 6′8″ tall!)
7. www.tifaux.com
8. i hate carlos mencia (and who doesn’t?)
9. were soaring (again, no surprise here)
10. mythbusters hd (already discussed)
11. the hills season 2 episode 1
12. lindsay lohan’s well-manicured lady parts. (note the period at the end of the search. Some people make sure they use proper punctuation when searching for dirty pictures of celebrities)
13. how tall is cj on top chef (6′8″)
14. how tall is cj top chef (still 6′8″)
15. john krasinski shirtless

We’ve got some ominous clouds looming.

• House’s Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer have called off their engagement.
• James Marsters has scored a recurring role on Without a Trace. His character’s name? Detective Mars. I swear to God.
• The young people love The Hills.
• Zap2It matches all the presidential candidates to Law and Order characters.
• Kathie Lee will make a return appearance on Regis and Kelly.
• The House soundtrack album will feature Massive Attack, Elvis Costello and Josh Ritter.
• 24 production has been delayed.
• That “Officer and a Gentleman” bachelor and his chosen have called off their engagement, but are allegedly still together.
• David Milch is rebounding from John From Cincinnati with a Vietnam-era cop show.
• Weeds is doing well in the ratings.
• A new Ask Ausiello’s got stuff on Nip/Tuck, Scrubs and Desperate Housewives.
• Finally, start your morning off right with this package of Tina Fey Weekend Update best-ofs.

I’ll tell you a little more about it in a little bit.

• John From Cincinnati has been put out to pasture.
• The new My So-Called Life DVD box set will include contributions from Joss Whedon and Janeane Garofalo, in addition to a 40-page book.
• Trent Reznor: gothic icon, industrial music pioneer, TV series creator?
• An E! spoiler chat.
• Will Geico competitors advertise on the Cavemen show? Will anyone?
• Indie rock on TV: Smashing Pumpkins, Chuck D, Andrew Bird, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
• The New York Times lends some ink to The Hills.
• An episode of CSI will deal with the murder of a female TV star that is basically either Roseanne or Cybill Shepherd.
• Neil Patrick Harris talks about his Emmy nomination and the whole gay thing.
• Sesame Street promotes literacy with Tina Fey, etc. Also, if (through the miracles of science) Maggie and Cristin were to have a baby, this is what it would look like. (the one on the left, not the red furry one)

It’s entirely necessary.

• HBO is ordering that Alan Ball vampire show with Anna Paquin.
• 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer talks to Paper Magazine.
• Burn Notice and Saving Grace have already been renewed.
• Nathan Fillion talks about Desperate Housewives.
• Chris Lowell talks to E! about Veronica Mars and Private Practice.
• E! has a spoiler chat with stuff on Heroes and The Hills.
• The 20th edition of The Real World will go back to casting people with goals. It’ll film in Hollywood.
• Heidi and Spencer were banned from The Hills’ premiere.