In this Hulu clip, watch the boys sluggishly play pranks on the girls and then listen as the remaining contestants dispassionately discuss a gender war at the Top Chef abode.

Here you go:

Although I kinda hated his attitude, I really thought Dale was going to make it to the finals, especially since he ranked #2 in last week’s point table. And what’s up with the tease of bringing Jennifer back? Can’t we swap her for Lisa? Isn’t there some reality TV rule about swapping sourpussed lesbians for cute ones? I need to petition my congressman.

As for the final four, besides the obvious top 3, it should be a matter of who fucks up less: Spike or Lisa.

Rank based on scoring: 2 points for a win, 1 point for a Quickfire win or appearance in top, -1 point for appearance in bottom

Kinda surprising that Lisa would bitch about Andrew not using a required ingredient when she didn’t use the required ingredient of Polish sausage in the improv challenge. Also, how about some consistency in the judging Colicchio? If you’re gonna kick off Andrew then Lisa should have been kicked off weeks ago.

Rank based on scoring: 2 points for a win, 1 point for a Quickfire win or appearance in top, -1 point for appearance in bottom

I didn’t watch Top Chef last night.

I have to admit — I was at a gay bar for trivia night. Our team name was “Michael Winslow Queefs Manhattan.” Chew on that.

Due to the fact that I have no idea who got eliminated, it’s time to just make something up. Here’s a mad lib stating what could potentially have happened on last night’s episode.

Come up with a list of the following words and then plug it in.  Feel free to paste your completed mad lib in the comments.

1. liquid
2. emotion
3. adjective
4. article of clothing
5. noun
6. adjective
7. plural noun
8. color
9. noun
10. country
11. adjective
12. animal
13. plural noun
14. body part
15. adjective
16. verb
17. adjective
18. animal
19. body part

The episode starts with the cast waking up, making eggs and drinking __(liquid)__. Nikki got eliminated last episode and this makes most of the crew feel very __(emotion)__ except for Dale who thinks she was a __(adjective)__ cook.

The contestants file into the kitchen for the Quickfire in front of Padma and special guest judge Sam from season two. He’s looking supa-hot, wearing a tight-fitting __(article of clothing)__ and a smoldering gaze. The challenge is to cook a meal using nothing but a hot plate, a vegetable peeler and a __(noun)__. Spike is at the bottom of the heap with a __(adjective)__ chicken dish while Stephanie wins by making a delicious pasta with __(plural noun)__.

The action head straight into the challenge, which is Restaurant Wars.

One team names their restaurant The __(color)__ __(noun)__ and serves only cuisine from __(country)__. The other team names their restaurant __(adjective)__ __(animal)__.

The first team gets off to a rocky start. Dale tries to help Richard out, but accidentally puts a pile of __(plural noun)__ in his soup. Richard is so mad he has steam coming out of his __(body part)__.

The second team works hard to stay on track. Lisa decides to make a gazpacho dish, but it ends up tasting too __(adjective)__. Stephanie helps out by adding some celery and onion. She said “It’s okay, we’re still going to __(verb)__ the other team!”

In the end, Stephanie’s team does indeed win. At the judge’s table, Spike gets eliminated for being too __(adjective)__ in the kitchen. Also, Gail said that his steak tasted like __(animal)__ __(body part)__.

Episode 9′s scoring is a bit of a mess with 4 Quickfire winners and a shared win. Although Richard’s gesture was kind, the scores solely reflect the judges comments since they ultimately determine the winner, not the contestants. In addition, it was pretty clear that Lisa was not in the bottom, she just happened to be on the losing team.

Rank based on scoring: 2 points for a win, 1 point for a Quickfire win or appearance in top, -1 point for appearance in bottom

Take a look at what to expect…[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/yjDWHpbrxhI" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Before I am done with TiFaux, I won’t be happy until I’ve turned it into a vaguely indie version of Bop or Tiger Beat.

That is to say, I want to keep one of our steady focuses on boys and why they are so dreamy. Forget quality writing, forget interesting performances — I’m a man who knows what he likes. While I may put up this exterior of a savvy, sophisticated bon vivant (and don’t even front — I know I do), I’m really just a schoolboy scrawling Mrs. Daniel Gyllenhaal into the margins of my notebooks and dotting the i’s with hearts.

On that note, I’ve made no secret of my love of the tattoos. There are few things hotter than a well done sleeve of ink (other than, perhaps, holding some sort of ethnic baby. And, even then, that’s more cute than hot).

So I’ve rounded up a list of some of reality TV’s hottest tattooed folks. I’ve even thrown in some ladies to satisfy our minority of heterosexual male readers (and, hopefully, growing readership of lesbians). Not that we don’t love all our readers just the same.

At the end, you get to vote for your favorite. Hooray!

Trainer Bob

Show: The Biggest Loser

Oh, Bob. Such a contradiction. On one hand, you’re the Southern drawling, caring nurturer. You contrast sharply with Jillian’s unsmiling taskmaster. On the other hand, your tattoos speak of a strange edge that is otherwise undetectable. It’s very intriguing.

Kat Von D

Show: LA Ink

Kat Von D is the star of LA Ink, spin-off of the TLC show Miami Ink. It’s the show where people get all tatted up and explain why their near-death experience being bitten by a shark is the reason why they need a tooth emblazened across their back. Von D is very eighties metal in her style (leather, studs, hair, hair, hair). It makes sense that Wikipedia reports that she is dating Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx.

Kevin Christiana

Show: Project Runway

The most recent season of Project Runway was bizarrely tattoo heavy. Even bird-like winner Christian was inked up with a picture of a squid. And because Rami was unadorned, we must turn our attention to token straightie Kevin Christiana. Kevin’s tattoos were a bit punk rock — or maybe I just think that because he usually wore black.

Angie

Show: Survivor — Palau

Angie is from an obscure season of Survivor (well, they’re all kind of obscure after a certain point), but I really have fond memories of her. She was the tattoed, awkward loner who never excelled in gym class, blah, blah. But then she turned around to totally dominate in challenges. She got cut lamentably early, but I’m still a huge fan.

Mark

Show: Top Chef

The good thing about these featured walking canvasses is the fact that their tattoos are compared with something unexpected (a smiley, centered fitness trainer; a fashion designer). With Mark, it’s a curly-headed cook with a New Zealand accent. I like the tribal design, even though in this picture he looks pretty ridiculous with the aviator shades and sleeveless number.

Starbuck

Show: Battlestar Galactica

I know this isn’t a reality show. In fact, it’s about as far away as you can get. However, I can’t let a notable tattoo like this go unnoticed.  Anders has a matching one, if you recall.  I like how it’s kind of tribal, which conflicts with the fact that they’re on a spaceship. That’s the good thing about Battlestar, when you get down to it — they focus on real issues and characters without getting bogged down on the science fiction (which is just an effective backdrop).

Here’s the current status of this season’s contestants as of episode 8 and where they ranked. High means the contestant appeared in the top but did not win, low means the contestant appeared in the bottom but did not get kicked off.

And using an arbitrary Tifaux scoring system (2 points for a win, 1 point for either a quick fire win or appearance in the top, and -1 point for appearing in the bottom) here are the rankings, and our best guesstimate, on who will appear in the top and bottom of tonight’s episode:

I really wish I could muster up some enthusiasm for this season of Top Chef. While it’s not necessarily bad, it’s also not extraordinarily compelling TV.

To make things worse, they’ve taken my beloved Kiwi — curly-mopped, hot-tattooed and Tom-hating Mark. I haven’t necessarily grown an insane, dead-eyed devotion to him the way I’ve loved others (here’s looking at you, Rami), but he made the time go by a bit easier.

Even though we’re only halfway through the season, it’s looking pretty clear who the top four are going to be. I’m sure they’ll pull a Tre at some point and eliminate a front-runner, but there are seemingly only a few real contenders.

So, let’s round up the leaders so far — neatly divided into two boys and two girls.

Antonia - Coming off the heels of a double win in this most recent episode, I think she’s the odds-on favorite to win the whole shebang. Just think — 2008 is year of the first female Biggest Loser and potentially Top Chef. It’s like Susan B. Anthony’s dreams are coming alive right before our eyes.

Richard - I have no real reason to dislike Richard except for his hairdo and his creepy comment about “making babies” in last week’s episode. I mean, I get what he means, but the phrase “making babies” makes me think of assembly lines and doll parts and Vincent Price putting a cookie heart in front of a machine. In any case, he’s constantly winning and does all of the Marcel-ian molecular gastronomy without being a mad scientist about it.

Stephanie - I knew that Stephanie was in trouble at the beginning of last episode when they started paying attention to her at the beginning of the episode. It’s like the Chekhov-ian pistol-firing concept applied to reality TV — if a person is featured at the beginning of the episode, they’re generally going to win/get cut at the end. She may be a bit less consistent, but she’s got a good track record of wins.

Dale - I don’t care for this one at all — mostly due to his crotch-grabbing rant during the weirdo fight post-Zoi’s elimination. Seems like a pretty good cook, but I’m silly and petty and only base my opinions on personality rather than talent.

Through backroom dealings and top-level negotiations, we’re able to bring you a preview of tonight’s Top Chef. That is to say, a publicist sent us a clip and I uploaded it to YouTube.[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/fpqz0lAEpsI" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Hopefully we’ll figure out exactly what was going on in that weird, crazy fight at the end of last episode. And see if Nikki finally gets kicked off.  Sweet girl, but constantly on the bottom of the heap.