It’s entirely necessary.

• HBO is ordering that Alan Ball vampire show with Anna Paquin.
• 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer talks to Paper Magazine.
• Burn Notice and Saving Grace have already been renewed.
• Nathan Fillion talks about Desperate Housewives.
• Chris Lowell talks to E! about Veronica Mars and Private Practice.
• E! has a spoiler chat with stuff on Heroes and The Hills.
• The 20th edition of The Real World will go back to casting people with goals. It’ll film in Hollywood.
• Heidi and Spencer were banned from The Hills’ premiere.

In last week’s battle of the German supermodel versus the culinary seductress, it seems that Heidi Klum has pulled out a decisive victory over Padma Lakshmi. I have to admit — this is the first time the person I didn’t vote for has won. I suppose I can see it, though. I probably underestimated Heidi because she’s got that cute button nose.

This week’s match, I predict, is going to be a close one. On the one side we’ve got Veronica Mars’ crime-fighting papa bear Keith Mars. On the other, we’ve got 30 Rock’s gruff but dashing alpha male Jack Donaghy. It’ll be a nail biter, that’s for damn sure.

Keith Mars

Strengths:

• Trained law enforcement officer
• Master of disguise and deception
• Exploits weaknesses

Weaknesses:

• Just a big teddy bear
• Comparatively small in stature
• Common fist fights are unbecoming of an officer of the law

Secret Weapon: Baldness makes him look more old/feeble than he actually is

Jack Donaghy

Strengths:

• Radiates power
• Broadly built/large-ish head
• Irish temper

Weaknesses:

• Not used to insubordination/challenges
• Not so much with the hand-to-hand combat
• Would probably have Kenneth the Page handle the fighting

Secret Weapon: He’ll soothe you with his raspy baritone — and that’s when he will strike!

I’m tying a giant ice cube on top of my head as we speak.

• Gordon Ramsay from Hell’s Kitchen talks to TV Guide.
• As does Holly Hunter, about her new show Saving Grace. Holly Hunter = slumming it?
• Cherry Jones will be the new president on 24.
• Jack Black, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be on The Simpsons next season.
• The Television Critics Awards bestow honors on The Sopranos and NBC.
• Anyone watch Bones? Here’s some info on next season.
• The Soup’s Joel McHale gabs with E!.
• If it comes to this — you can watch the season premieres of Monk and Psych online.
• A profile of SNL’s Andy Samberg.
• What Would Bob Odenkirk TiVo?
• Gilmore Girls’ Scott Patterson had a deal that kept him on the CW.
• Scott Baio and Bret Michaels: oy.
• For some reason, NBC is trying to hang onto Jay Leno.
• Did Emmy rob Tracy Morgan?
• Dawn Ostroff defends the Veronica Mars cancellation.

Hello there, readers! I just wanted to pop in and point out that I’m not dead. I’ve just been rather busy with my paying job. Also, there’s nothing on TV.

Although that’s not entirely true: I started watching Top Chef on Wednesday, and boy is it great. Of course, Dan’s got that one pretty well covered, so there’s not much else to say on that topic.

I also forced Kyle to watch So You Think You Can Dance, which I found delightful (after all, this is one of my favorite movies), and he found… less so.

What else? Hm… I’m happy Jason Dohring is getting work, as Dan pointed out. He’ll make a fun vampire. And a bunch of Comedy Central shows joined the writer’s guild, so that seems like a good thing. Yay benefits, right?

To mask the nothing that was this post, please now give me your opinion. 

I swear, no picture has ever been taken of me where my eyes aren’t glowing like some hell-sprung demon.

• There’s no father-daughter affair in the Heroes cast.
• Someone knocked up and married Nancy Grace. Not necessarily in that order.
• Jay Leno’s chuckling sidekick Kevin Eubanks is this year’s sexiest vegetarian. Alongside Carrie Underwood.
• Top Chef guest judges don’t get paid.
• America’s Got Talent is doing well; Hell’s Kitchen isn’t.
• Zap2It’s TV Gal does the Amy Awards.
• Isaiah Washington refuses to fade into obscurity.
• A new Ask Ausiello with questions about Brothers and Sisters (I don’t know, people must watch it), House, the Veronica Mars comic books and My Boys (<–Cristin! Meh?).
• Mary-Louise Parker and Jeffrey Dean Morgan: six names, two broken hearts.
• The race against puberty is on for Everybody Hates Chris.
• Saddam Hussein mini-series, anyone?
• The story behind the Nikki Leotardo mess.
• The Germans are going to have a 24-hour Death Channel. In the states, we like to call that Discovery Health.
• Oxygen and Molly Shannon are going to find the next female sitcom star.

It’s Thursday. You know what that means? You probably don’t, because I just kind of decided this. Thursday is official Who Would Win in a Fight day for the summer. Think of it as a reward for making it almost all the way through the week.

Seems like last week’s battle between Studio 60 pill-head Matt Albie and bed-hopping brain surgeon Derek Shepherd ended in a decisive victory for our conflicted comedy writer. I support the decision due to Albie’s unhinged nature and comparative bulk.

This week finds a troubled rich kid going head-to-head with yet another doctor named Shephard. It’s Veronica Mars’ on-again-off-again beau Logan Echolls versus Lost’s castaway leader Jack Shephard.

Logan Echolls

Strengths:

• Kind of a sociopath
• Way buff
• Not easily intimidated

Weaknesses:

• Used to pushing around people who are smaller than him (e.g. Piz, that reporter spy from early in season three, organizing bum fights)
• Veronica doesn’t like it when he fights
• Growing rap sheet

Secret Weapon: Baby-face may inspire underestimation

Jack Shephard

Strengths:

• Abrasive stubble could be used as a weapon
• Can take a punch
• Strong-willed, hard to push around

Weaknesses:

• He’s no kid
• When on the island, he’s weary from being exposed to the elements
• When off the island he’s drunk

Secret Weapon: Good at harnessing his rage

My wasabi experiment to clean out my sinuses wasn’t that successful.

• The Brilliant But Cancelled Blog does autopsies on Veronica Mars and the Gilmore Girls.
• Mr. Wizard died.
• Slate thinks Tony got whacked and offers a good insight. If he’s right though, I would still rather have had less ambiguity and David Chase shouldn’t have a problem talking about it and explaining it. PS - if you get an e-mail about Nikki Leotardo, E-Kristin says it’s a hoax.
• Is Whoopi the new Rosie on The View?
• Journey’s Steve Perry talks Sopranos.
• Donald Trump wants civilization to take a step back 50 years with his new reality show.
• Last Comic Standing starts tonight.
• The CW might not want Veronica Mars, but DC Comics wants to do season four.
• A Dwight Schrute spin-off?

Another parade, another hairy man in a leather thong.  Yawn.

• Debra Messing and Heidi Klum get fashion raves from the Fug Girls.
• A love letter to GOB Bluth.
• Bradley Whitford talks to E-Kristin about the demise of Studio 60.
• David Anders from Alias might come to Heroes.
• Michael Imperioli plays guest columnist for TV Guide.
• A meditation on last night’s Sopranos finale.
• Send the CW Mars bars.  Guess why.

She never hollers cuckoo til the fourth day of July.

• Peter, Bjorn and John are going to be on Leno tonight. And Modest Mouse will be on Letterman tomorrow. More indie TV news here.
• Regis and Kelly are on fire. As in, actually on fire.
• Comedy Central’s new pan-ethnic lineup includes a show by Michael Ian Black and “David Alan Grier’s Chocolate News.” I’m frankly at a loss about the latter.
• Heroes pretends not to be a nerd haven for Emmy voters.
• Veronica Mars/Kristin Bell rocks a bikini on the set of her new movie.
• More Kyle XY for you to not watch online.
• A think piece on, of all things, the USA Network. I still think of it as the network that reruns Bosom Buddies and Dick Clark-era Pyramid.
• Jenna Fischer’s on the mend.
• Zachary Quinto as a young Spock? Yeesh.
• If you can’t wait for the next season of the Kathy Griffin reality show, you can watch the first episode on Bravo’s Web site.
• A bigger cast for House this fall?
• Are you ready for Pirate Master?  It’s on tonight.

I’m thinking about growing pumpkins in my backyard. I hear they’re hard to kill.

• NBC is done super-sizing episodes (read: adding more commercials).
• TNT and TBS will now offer all the episodes of their original series online. All the My Boys you can handle, Cristin!
• Lost Season Three is coming to DVD in December. Get those Hannukah lists ready.
• Rumors abound of a Battlestar season one high-definition DVD set.
• Kristin has some Lost gossip in her video segment.
• A new Ask Ausiello’s up with news about Lost and Greg Grunberg.
• Need some more summer reading: Rob Thomas has edited Neptune Noir.
• The cast of Six Feet Under is almost all back on TV.
• The host of Pirate Master claims to be descended from pirates himself.