You have spoken. You spake. You’s gone and done it.

You cast your ballots and the Keith Mars/Jack Donaghy match-up goes to Mr. Mars. It wasn’t a squeaker like I thought it was going to be, but it’s probably a bad idea to make predictions on this like this. Who the hell knows what you are thinking, Internet?

Next…

I don’t really know where this match-up came from, but I still find it compelling. It’s Dr. Gregory House versus Maxwell Sheffield (The Nanny).

I guess Cristin suggested British actors who play Americans and for some reason my mind immediately went to Mr. Sheffield. But he actually is a Brit playing a Brit. This makes no sense, but I’m going with it anyway.

So, on one hand we’ve got the crotchety, crutchety Dr. House whose shoots venom out of his eyes. On the other, we’ve got the spry, if kind of foppish, theater-producing Maxwell Sheffield.

We’ll see what happens.

Dr. Gregory House

Strengths:

• Angry by nature/just waiting for an excuse to whoop some ass
• More worldly
• Tougher by a mile

Weaknesses:

• Um, he walks with a limp
• All talk
• We all know that tough talk is protecting a sad, frightened little boy

Secret Weapon: High on pain meds

Maxwell Sheffield

Strengths:

• No stranger to psychological torture at the hands of Nanny Fine
• In shape from all the slapstick comic antics
• In better physical condition

Weaknesses:

• Persnickety
• Lack of resolve/spine (see the Fine/Sheffield will-they-won’t-they romance; the time he said he loved her and then took it back)
• Theater producer

Secret Weapon: Streak of grey in his luxurious mane.

It’s time for Pride and Turner Classic Movies is gaying it up all month with Screened Out — old movies you probably haven’t heard of featuring lead and supporting gay characters. It’s Broadway-belting boys and fifties-era women’s prisons — can’t top that in terms of gay content.

It’s airing on TCM Mondays and Wednesdays all month. The fun starts tonight with The Early Years — old school gayness from the 30s.

I have lots of happy memories from my childhood. While many of them didn’t involve television — many of them did. There was the time my dad let me stay up past nine one time and I got to watch Night Court. There were my pajama-clad Saturday mornings that climaxed at PeeWee’s Playhouse. And then there was the Disney Afternoon with Ducktales and Rescue Rangers.

There is one television memory that has stuck with me, though, and I didn’t really understand it when I was a kid. Now that I’ve grown and developed a love of cheesiness (the flavor and the concept), I’ve rediscovered it as one of my favorite PSAs.

Remember this?

I’ve got nothing especially profound to say about it, but you have to admit, it’s pretty sweet.

I’m weirdly excited about my Trader Joe’s meatless meatballs.

• First of all, if you haven’t already voted in the second ladies round and the first mens round of the TiFaux Tournament, you really need to do that before you do anything else. Meanwhile, can I say how devastated I am at Portia De Rossi’s photo finish defeat?
• Eddie Izzard talks to TV Guide about that show he’s on.
• Jenna Fischer gets nekkid for Wired.
• You can stop holding your breath — Silver Spoons is coming to DVD. Me, I’m holding out for Small Wonder. Click here to sign the petition to bring it to DVD.
• I guess that Grease show ended last night.  The winners were that girl and the other guy.
• Marcia Brady talks about cocaine and bulimia.
• A type of protective plane has been named after a character on 24 by Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. It’s his favorite show. I guess it’d be weird if he named them after a character on Buffy.
• Okay, I’ll say this name and just to not have a flashback to when you were 15.  Okay, you ready? — Corin Nemec.  Yeah, seriously…  Anyway, he and Bud Bundy are starting a production company.
• After Elton talks about how gay Ugly Betty is.
• The AV Club blames Grey’s Anatomy for everything.
• Don’t forget to watch the first episode of This American Life for free.
• Finally, I just want to clarify that I’m not some sort of Small Wonder freak.  I just found the petition by accidental Googling. I’m serious.

Playing it Straight — I don't think I'd be exaggerating to say that this show is the pinnacle of human achievement.

Like Top Design, I can't help but love this show based on the fact that it has the gay factor and the elimination factor. Plus, it has a high degree of psychological intrigue. I'm powerless. 

Here's the story behind it.

Take The Bachelorette format.  Put it in a fakey Texas ranch.  Make (more than) half the dudes gay.  Bring in a cash prize of a half million dollars — if she picks a straight suitor, they split the cash.  If she picks a gay guy, he gets it all. 

Seriously, this is some good shit. 

I recently caught up with the show when they had a marathon on Fox Reality Channel (I have no idea what I was doing looking at that channel — don't ask).  I saw a few episodes when it originally aired on FOX.  The show was a dismal failure ratings-wise and forced Fox to cancel it mid-season, unresolved. In fact, they didn't even burn off the remaining episodes over the summer — they announced the winner via press release.

The bachelorette's name is Jackie and she is completely ordinary. And that's not a slam, it's just that she's like every pretty girl in a strappy H&M tank top you've ever met. She seems like somebody you went to school with and can barely remember.  "You remember Jackie?  Long brown hair, really cute. She was in our sociology class first semester junior year… No, the other one…  Yeah.  She was nice."

One of the best parts of the show is watching the bachelors turn on each other, exposing each other's perceived gay qualities. The boyish (and obviously straight) bachelor Banks receives sideways glances for his interest in architecture and knowledge of which one's the salad fork.  Anytime someone shows refined taste or proper hygiene, the other guys are like "Hey there, Susie."

At the end of every show, when Jackie eliminates bachelors, she has to ask the rejected suitor (who, in this case, I will call Gustav): "But before you go, Gustav, I have to know — are you straight or are you gay?"  And then Gustav, with his well manicured (too well manicured?) fingernails and impeccably shaped eyebrows says: "Jackie, I never wanted to hurt you.  But you chose well — I am gay!"  And then everybody gasps and Gustav goes back to the house to pack his gay bags. 

One of the noteworthy events of the season was when the aforementioned Banks had his accident. Halfway through the season, he got into an arm-wrestling competition (with a guy who I think turned out to be gay) and grotesquely got his arm broken.  It was like he was waving a baguette bag filled with sticks.

I have to admit, the producers did a good job of casting the bachelors.  They all live in the grey area between metrosexual straight and uber-butch gay. For the most part, they were pretty damned ambiguous. One of the gays (who lasted a long time) gave himself away, though, because he was so concerned with sabotaging the other players, he was all "Jackie who?"

If this actually sounds interesting to anyone but me, Fox Reality is having a marathon on April Fools Day.  Get it? 

Apparently this was featured on Ellen a while ago, but I just recently found out about it.  Here is some local commercial production at its finest.  No words, just watch.

If they sold cologne that smelled like lemon Palmolive dishwashing liquid, I'd buy it in bulk.  I swear to God. 

• Best Week Ever is featuring a You Tube clip from Zach Galifianakis' old show (see below) which features a surprisingly cleaned-up pre-Britney K-Fed.  It's good stuff.
• Gay, Straight or Taken premieres tonight on Lifetime at 8.  I have to admit, I'm all over it.  Click here to get a preview of the contestants and test your own gaydar — I'm guessing Mike and Victor based on looks alone.
• Folk-singin', poetry-writing, car-living yodeler Jewel says she was supposed to be on the first Real World , but she declined.  Presumably, she would have been the first choice over Becky (the other aspiring folk singer).  Jewel is going to host Nashville Star (American Idol for country music) on USA.  Fun fact: if you read Dave Eggers' first book, you know he was almost chosen for the third season, but the producers picked Judd instead.
• If you've missed an episode of Battlestar Galactica this season, set your TiFaux for the marathon on Jan. 15. 
• The Wire is getting syndicated on BET. 
• Ugly Betty's on iTunes.  
• Looks like Dirt did reasonably well in the ratings.  Considering how inescapable the ads were, I'd hope so. 
• Jake is going to be a presenter at the Golden Globes.  And so are some other people.  Hmmm…  Jake in a tux…

So, yeah. How’s it going?

Good, good.

Me? Not much, you know. Steady as she goes. Did you hear we got fifth place in the Weblog awards? You did get my e-mail, right?

Oh. Sorry for bringing it up again. But thanks for voting.

Yeah, there hasn’t been much on TV lately. Reruns, you know. Even Top Chef was a rerun last night!

But everything’s coming back in January. In the meantime, though, you can watch stuff on YouTube if you get bored. I just found out that you can watch Kathy Griffin’s old comedy special, Hot Cup of Talk over there.

Yeah, it’s her. She just has a completely different face.

Whenever I find myself remembering way too much about television shows, it makes me feel bad about myself.  I'll be able to recite entire episodes of Roseanne or Will and Grace, but my knowledge of American history is very "Lincoln freed the slaves!  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree!"

On that note, I've been thinking a lot lately about the Super Friends.

I don't remember a lot about it (it went off the air when I was six), but I remember being obsessed with it.  The premise, if you recall, was that it was basically a more kidsy version of the Justice League — the crime-fighting conglomerate of Superman, Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, Aquaman and others.  They fought the Legion of Doom, which was a team of all the heroes' worst enemies.

They must have gone all out with the merchandising, because all of my memories of the show have to do with toys.  I had a Hawkman action figure where if you squeezed his legs, his wings flapped.  And I remember being upset about not getting some Super Friends-related crap and throwing a fit in the toy store.

Since I don't really have that much to say about this show other than "Remember the Superfriends?", here's a quick game.  On the list of names below which is a lesser-known Super Friends recurring character and which is a DC-area gay bar?

Cobalt

Giganta

Zan 

El Dorado 

The Eagle

Apex

Atom 

Remington

The Green Lantern

Firestorm 

(answers after the jump) 

You probably all know this because you were all watching Project Runway last night, but Six Feet Under reruns are coming to Bravo.  Dammit, I love this show.

I find this really exciting even though I own 3 of the 5 seasons on DVD and can watch them any time I want.  But now's as good of an opportunity as ever to get hooked on it.

The death begins Oct. 2