So, when last we left our naughty little Upper East Siders, thousands of weeks ago, the entire world hadn’t collapsed! Blair schemed a lot, Serena and Dan broke up, and Dan slept with his stupid teacher. And I think Rufus and Lily were still off boffing somewhere.
I have to confess, y’all, I have neither read nor seen The Age of Innocence, because I went to public school. My Wharton is pretty limited; can we just pretend it’s actually Kate Chopin? I know her. Anyway, Blair and Dan are the leads in the school play, Jenny is doing the costumes (covered in tulle! And eyeliner!), and for some unbelievable reason, that stupid teacher is STILL THERE. And Vanessa is making a “documentary” about the school play. Shut up, Vanessa.
The caliber of acting in the play vastly amused me, because it’s several grades above that found on The City (feathers!). And did anyone else think that after his performance in The Age of Innocence, Dan will surely grow up to be Ted Mosby? It is also totally believable that Nate can’t pronounce “dilettante.” As for the tantrum Manbangs threw that effectively ended the play (and in front of Charles Isherwood!), let me just tell you that when I was in high school drama, the male lead of our senior musical literally passed out on stage in the middle of a scene (he was diabetic and had skipped dinner), pretty much collapsing on the female lead, who proceeded to improvise some dialogue and carry him offstage as the stage manager killed the lights. His understudy took over after intermission while John drank orange juice, and then he got up and finished the show. THAT is what we mean by “the show must go on,” you spoiled idiots!
Chuck is back in his ascots (I think he needs an internship with Barney Stinson) and is still harping on about his silly secret sex club subplot. The problem with Gossip Girl shooting in New York is that whenever they shoot outside, insane people take camera phone pictures and sell them to blogland. So I know that Bluck and Chair are getting back together at some point this season, and I have no patience for whatever inane bollocks the writers send Chuck on between now and then. Are they ever going to resolve the whole Blair-slept-with-Uncle-Jack ickiness?
Oh, and Nelly Yuki got accepted “early” to Yale. Never mind that it’s no longer early, for crying out loud. This is when you’re actually supposed to start getting college acceptances. She got Blair’s spot! Which…I did not know you could do that. Apparently, shocker, someone has it in for Blair and has spilled not only the Blair-hazed-a-teacher scandal to Yale (does no one at Yale have anything better to do? Like move the endowment into long-term mutual funds?), but also the Marcus incest brouhaha from earlier this season and the Serena-Yale-PR-clusterfrak news. But that was neither terribly interesting nor terribly important; it really only served to drive Blair farther into nihilism. And to Carter Baizen! I do not even remember what his deal is.
OH MY GOD RUFUS CAUGHT THAT TRAMPY TEACHER! Serves her right. My personal goal in this life is that no one compare me to any of the following: 1. Tonya Harding, 2. Mary Kay Letourneau, and 3. Ann Coulter. I know Dan is an adult, but there are things that are okay and things that are not. And for once, I agree with the parenting choice that Rufus made, because that affair is not right. But since Dan is a silly twit, it drove him directly into the adjunct strumpet’s arms. And then they DID IT IN THE SCHOOL. That is so trashy I’m surprised it didn’t happen in Florida.
You guys, I LOVE that this week’s episode is entirely sponsored by Wolverine. I think Blair would have done well at Professor X’s school for mutants, don’t you?