I started writing a recap of this week’s episode, but I gave up because I’m tired and it was neither funny nor interesting. Therefore, I’m just going to take a different approach.

A lot of cute things happened on this episode, so I thought I’d just list and rate them. You ready?

First off, I’ll be rating things on a scale of 1 to 100. A ranking of 1 would be very modestly cute. Like, say, a grown cat aloofly (<– is this a real adverb?) licking its paw. A ranking of 100 is heart-breakingly cute, such as an elderly married couple holding hands on a park bench. Alternately, things can also be actively non-cute. Examples of a negative 100 include roadside bombs, Paris Hilton and staph infections.

Let’s dive right in:

1. Joey interviews that he is in a rut and having trouble getting out of the middle of the pack. He calls himself the “grey horse”and says that he needs to get his head out of his ass. Both of these statements only make about 80% sense, but we get the point. I appreciate, to some degree, his clumsy attempts at self-expression, although it reminds me a bit of George W. Bush. Cuteness: 10.
2. The guest judge is restauranteur Maria Frumkin, who gets points for both her Argentinean accent and for being named Maria Frumkin. Cuteness for name and accent: 33.
3. Sara M. cooks rabbit in the quickfire. Cuteness: minus 15.
4. Joey talks about his tart trio and describes it as an “orgasm in your mouth.” I really can’t imagine he has any idea what he just said. Cuteness: 0. Gross enough to be in the negatives, but it’s balanced by the sweet naivete.
5. Joey says that since “our incident,” he and Howie have become close friends. The idea of them being friends merits a rating of 71.
6. Back at the hotel Lia and Casey reflect on their BFF-ness. Cuteness: 35 (the idea of two young gals being friends is nothing compared to the Joey and Howie).
   Hung nearly stabs Casey. Rating: negative 75.
7. Elimination Challenge: They cook for a telenovela called Dame Chocolate. (dah-may chocolate; not Dame like Judi Dench). During the challenge, Casey asks for Howie’s help with her overcooked rice. In turn, Howie asks Casey for help writing out his menu because his handwriting “stinks.” Rating: 79.
8. Hung speaks in junior high Spanish and is convinced he’s charming the cast and crew. Rating: Negative 30.
9. Howie and Joey are the top two and roll in like they’re a comedy duo. They give each others’ dishes effusive praise and, when Howie wins, he gives his prize (a bottle of Frumkin’s Argentinean wine) to Joey. Rating: 89.
10. Lia is the surprise ouster. Casey tearfully makes the announcement and the chefs clap for Lia as she leaves (a tradition, I feel like this season started — although I could be wrong). Anyways, I like how they clap people out and how it must soften the feeling of failure. Rating: a sad 41.

What’s a bagel like you doing in a place like this?

• ROFL! Zac EFron numba 1!!!!!!!!111 I am 11 y.o. from Argentina! Pls txt meeeeeeee!!!!!1 (via Lady Fee)
• Some American Idol people are releasing an album together.
• TV Gal sets some TV rules.
• The Simple Life gets cancelled three seasons too late.
• A cast member of Pirate Master, Cheryl, was found dead after a suicide.
• Peace angers simpletons on that dancing show.
• If you feel like watching the pilot of The Reaper online, click here and enter 082507.
• The last episodes of The Sopranos come to DVD on Oct. 23.
• News from Comic Con: Lost will feature Libby backstory (!) next season; Kevin Smith will direct an episode of Heroes: Origins; Zachary “Sylar” Quinto will be young Spock in the next Star Trek movie (ugh).
• When Jay Leno retires (oh happy day) and Conan takes over, Jimmy Fallon is a prime choice to take over Late Night.
• Tom Snyder died of leukemia.
• Catholics are in a fight with Denis Leary and Rescue Me.
• The Colbert Report is coming to DVD.
• Will Kirby is the new trashy Dr. 90210.
• Winnie Cooper gets her smart on.

I have no idea who Joe Buck is. (apparently he likes sports?)

In the following YouTube clip of his talk show, though, he is in the back of a cab with a pants-less Paul Rudd. And, for that, he inspires no small amount of jealousy.

I’d like to take a moment to shake my fist toward the sky and scream at God.  I really don’t think it’s fair that someone can be that hot and funny at the same time.  Shouldn’t he have developed humor as a coping mechanism like the rest of us?  Perhaps he endured a back brace throughout junior high or had an awful childhood speech impediment that he has since recovered from (but sometimes resurfaces when he’s tired or had too much to drink).

One can only hope.

As I type this, Tifauxers Maggie and Kyle are on a tropical cruise, most likely rocking out in the karaoke lounge to the theme song from The Nanny, and Freebird (both of which I’ve seen Maggie and Kyle, respectively, do live, without any need for the scrolling lyrics in front of them. Also, is Freebird one word? I’m not googling it. Don’t post angry comments about my lack of knowledge). That means it’s up to me and Tifaux Dan to hold down the fort for a week. If it were after August 13 I would be in no way nervous about that (HELLO, SEASON PREMIERE OF THE HILLS! I’m not as entranced by the current trailers as I was by last season’s pregnancy test stunner, but I do get goosebumps every time Intern Whitney remarks that Lauren might be better off without Heidi and Lauren calmly responds “I am so far” in a quiet, soulful voice) but, it isn’t, so it’s time to get creative.

LUCKILY, today I get to say the words I’ve wanted to say for months. MY BOYS IS BACK ON! Wooot! Holla at ya, TBS!

I used to think that loving My Boys was more shameful than, say, not realizing after 4 years as an english major and 4 years as a “publishing professional” that the title of the book was not, in fact, The Unbearable Likeness of Being (that was a rough conference call, let me tell you). I was wrong. You really do have something for everyone here– ambiguous mixed-gender relationships, jokes about beer, comedian Jim Gaffigan (whom The Boyfriend tells me fantabulous at stand-up, except that The Boyfriend would never say the word fantabulous), and a hot chick who knows a lot about baseball. When we closed on the first season, lead character P.J. had just made out with her best friend Brandon, much to my dismay as I chalked up another loss for team “Really, I have a platonic male best friend and I’ve never seen his underwear.” New episodes start tonight at 10 on TBS.

And, on the off chance that you have nothing to do for the hour before that, you should devote some time to figuring out which of your local stations is ABC Family just so you can watch Greek.

A frighteningly precise interpretation of my college days.

Maggie already previewed Greek, which I first heard of via their slightly odd social networking site where you can go through “virtual rush” and cruise through all of the Greek houses as well as the engineering club and athletic club (this kind of reminds me of the board game Barbie: Queen of the Prom where you have to become a club president, get an afterschool job and save money, buy a dress, and find a boyfriend and get him to go steady with you before you can become Queen Of The Prom. It’s that easy).

The quick catch up: Casey is rush chair of her sorority. Her boyfriend cheated on her with one of her pledges. Her younger brother has a Jesus-loving roommate in the engineering honors dorm, and decideds to pledge the fraternity of Casey’s fun-loving slacker ex-boyfriend. The younger brother also has a friend who’s a member of the cheating boyfriend’s fraternity and has yet to admit to anyone (including… himself) that he’s gay. None of this actually matters. What matters is, outside a few cringe-inducing moments of over-acting (most of which come to us at the hands of Younger Brother Rusty), the writing is hilarious and fast paced and contemporary and more CW than ABC Family. If you paid for your friends in college (as I did, no shame), you’ll recognize the girl who plans 8 mixers in a row with a “pimps and hos” theme, and if you didn’t, you can congratulate yourself on having morals while you wished the girls living next door to you in college demonstrated a similar propensity for running around their lawn in their panties. Monday, 9 pm, ABC Family.

Kyle and I are away for the next week, so this will be it from me for a while. You may not notice, but I’ll be missing you very much. Enjoy Greek and Top Chef without me.

What’s short, dark and smokin’ hot?

In my continuing efforts to butch it up, I’ve started to wear a cup wherever I go.

• Shonda Rimes talks — kind of — about Isaiah Washington and his crazy mouth.
• Rob Thomas is out as the force behind Miss/Guided.
• And the guy from Angel is out of that show Moonlight.
• Val Kilmer’s going to be on Numb3rs.  I don’t know… Slim news pickins today.
• The Cavemen: a racist allegory?
• Heroes is going to be a video game.
• Page Six says that Rosie will be replaced on The View by a rotating cast of Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Griffin and actress Sherry Shepherd.
• A look at the two creators of Reaper (new show on the CW).
• A talk with 30 Rock’s Judah Friedlander.

In last week’s battle of the German supermodel versus the culinary seductress, it seems that Heidi Klum has pulled out a decisive victory over Padma Lakshmi. I have to admit — this is the first time the person I didn’t vote for has won. I suppose I can see it, though. I probably underestimated Heidi because she’s got that cute button nose.

This week’s match, I predict, is going to be a close one. On the one side we’ve got Veronica Mars’ crime-fighting papa bear Keith Mars. On the other, we’ve got 30 Rock’s gruff but dashing alpha male Jack Donaghy. It’ll be a nail biter, that’s for damn sure.

Keith Mars

Strengths:

• Trained law enforcement officer
• Master of disguise and deception
• Exploits weaknesses

Weaknesses:

• Just a big teddy bear
• Comparatively small in stature
• Common fist fights are unbecoming of an officer of the law

Secret Weapon: Baldness makes him look more old/feeble than he actually is

Jack Donaghy

Strengths:

• Radiates power
• Broadly built/large-ish head
• Irish temper

Weaknesses:

• Not used to insubordination/challenges
• Not so much with the hand-to-hand combat
• Would probably have Kenneth the Page handle the fighting

Secret Weapon: He’ll soothe you with his raspy baritone — and that’s when he will strike!

Does it feel like that to anyone else?

• Michael will be returning to Lost.
• 24 is headed for the east coast — likely D.C. or NYC.
• Gordon Ramsay refuses to watch himself on television — probably not for the same reasons I refuse to watch him.
• You can watch the premiere of Flipping Out on Bravo’s Web site.
• They’ve announced the new drunks for The Real World: Sydney.
• Top Chef will be in Chicago next season.
• Mark you calendars for Sept. 4. 30 Rock’s first season is coming to DVD!
• Could the 1988 movie They Live, which starred wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper, turn into a series? Most obscure movie ever — but I totally saw it when I was 8.

His campaign slogan should be: He’s Irish and he’s pissed.

• There will be no Exile Island on the next season of Survivor. Good. That stunt was played out.
• The Decemberists’ Colin Meloy will guest star on Lil Bush.
• If we weren’t sure that Amy Sherman-Palladino was one of us, she is now. She got wasted on the night of the Gilmore Girls finale and didn’t watch it.
• America’s Next Top Model will outlive all of us.
• Tina Fey’s parents love 30 Rock.
• Is The Winner not a piece of the distant past after all?
• Big Love got renewed.
• 10 TV shows that should be films.
• Heidi and Spencer from The Hills talk to E!
• Pirate Master got its timbers shivered.
• CSI casting news.
• The top 10 list of highest-paid TV stars is surprising. Certainly not number one, but you’ll shit yourself at number five. Somebody’s agent needs a raise.
• The winner of the Next Food Network Star talks to TV Guide.
• Information is trickling in about the next season of Heroes.