This is the iced coffee of the revolution.

Thank God we have Michelle Malkin, the same person who wrote a book called “In Defense of Internment” about Japanese Americans in World War Two, to tell us that Rachel Ray is killing America.

Dunkin’ Donuts pulled a television spot featuring talk show host and Food Network personality Rachael Ray this weekend after a Fox news commentator associated it with terrorists.

In the ad, Ray is wearing a scarf that Michelle Malkin said in her nationally syndicated column resembled a kiffiyeh, Middle Eastern garb that is “popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos.”

Dunkin’s Senior Vice President for Communications Margie Myers issued a statement saying the scarf “was selected by a stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended.

“However, as of this past weekend, we are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

In her column, Malkin also noted that it could appear at times that actor Colin Farrell, rapper Kanye West and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean have been photographed in similar scarves that were “distinctive hate couture.”

Dammit, Michelle. Leave the girl alone so she can make a damn 30 Minute Meal, squeak a few laughs, say the word “sammie” a million times and call it a day.

As I was searching YouTube for relevant Barefoot Contessa clips (the best I could find was the baby — but it was pretty remarkable in its own way), I stumbled upon this video parody.

It’s not necessarily a timeless masterpiece, but it’s a pretty inspired send-up for a couple of kids who are probably just past Bar/Bat Mitzvah age. The main performers are a fresh-faced junior gay and his sister/BFF from theater class.

While some parts are indulgent, the kids have some pretty impressive comedic instincts.

Just putting it out there — this is going to be a rambling, pointless post.

I was watching Barefoot Contessa over the weekend and kind of fell in love with Ina Garten again. I really have no idea what her draw is, but Barefoot Contessa is probably Food Network’s single most watchable show.

Part of it is probably envy. The I-really-want-you-to-be-my- friend-ishness of it all. I just want her to center an entire show to her lunchtime date with me and have the whole episode be this labor of love devoted to making it a special affair. Admittedly, Ina always makes her gays work for their keep (they have to bring flowers from their shop or labor in her garden) and although I have no real “skills” to contribute, hopefully poorly-thought-out blog posts will be enough.

This weekend I had one of the gayest moments of my life. I was walking around the city on Saturday with three of my gays, one of whom was carrying a birthday-celebratory banana creme pie he had made from scratch, and I was asked whether I had caught Barefoot Contessa earlier that day. The fact that I was asked this question wasn’t as gay as the fact that I had to respond in the affirmative. The show isn’t a regular talking point amongst my friends, but apparently it is enough of a cultural touchstone amongst my people that it’s a safe bet as to what I did after sleeping in on a Saturday.

And Saturday afternoon/morning’s episode wasn’t necessarily a showstopper, but it was a truly solid effort. Ina was making gazpacho for her friend’s baby shower and the first half of the show consisted of her chopping up a vegetable, pureeing it in the blender and putting it in a bowl. Then chopping up another vegetable and so on and so on. It was hypnotic and, I swear to God, I could’ve watched that shit for HOURS. It was the most relaxing thing I think I could’ve watched.

Who doesn’t love Barefoot Contessa? The answer is no one. Even babies. Babies love Barefoot Contessa. Here’s proof:

In other news, that same morning Giada was making this dessert and now I’m completely obsessed with making it. I’m like a crazy person.

I like things that are bright.

• They’ve chosen a lucky lady to be the new Bachelorette.
• Grey’s Anatomy’s Justin Chambers could have nearly high-fived Britney on her way into the treatment center.
• Naveen Andrews talks Lost.
• Calm yourselves. The Bionic Woman is coming to DVD.
• Star Jones is once again out of the job.
• The folks from The New Adventures of Old Christine seem nice.
• The WGA won’t picket the CBS investor meeting.
• New York Magazine pits Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle against each other.
• Tyler Florence continues to torment me with his heterosexuality. He and his wife are expecting a second child.

Remember a long time ago when Thailand had that coup? Well, the latest update on that situation is that the country’s parliament has chosen a new prime minister and it’s actually a 72-year-old celebrity chef named Samak Sundaravej. His show is called “Tasting, Grumbling” and he will continue to do the show while in office.

Naturally, one must ask the question: If the U.S. were to have a celebrity chef president, who would be the best choice — Southern diva Paula Deen or exacting homemaker Sandra Lee?

Paula Deen

• Pros: Lots of boisterous “y’alls” and hysterical laughter during the State of the Union; likely to remove all taxes on butter.
• Cons: Unpredictable; uncontrollable.

Sandra Lee

• Pros: Would finally organize the federal government; kick-ass Christmas decorations at the White House.
• Cons: Likely to bomb countries for minor diplomatic infractions; would mandate governmental office buildings all be based on a theme.

Where can you even buy one of those?

• Katherine Heigl won’t go to the Golden Globes. Tina Fey will.
• A Chevy ad spoiled Cane.
• ABC finished an episode of Grey’s without a striking Shonda Rhimes.
• The Naked Chef is coming back to Food Network.
• An update on the David Chase trial.
• Ask Matt talks about Chuck and Gossip Girl.
• Charisma Carpenter’s too poor for a divorce.
• A Christmas present for your favorite Battlestar fan.
• E-Kristin chimes in on the Golden Globes.

I’m really good at that.

• Andre Royo previews season five of The Wire.
• CBS will start airing scripted Showtime shows, including an edited version of Dexter.
• Will networks run scripted shows into the summer?
• Carson Daly is defending himself for coming back to work.
• A new Ask Ausiello has scoop on Lost and Gilmore Girls (!).
• The Rachael Rae Knife Store sounds like something could go awfully wrong.
• Carlton Cuse won’t work on Lost til the strike ends.
• Producers are mulling a settlement from the WGA.
• Tina Fey and Paula Abdul are totally in a fight.
• NBC has, stupidly, cut ties with iTunes.
• Tila Tequila denies vicious rumors of heterosexuality.

This time, the chef is the oven.

Everyone’s favorite tomato-chopping hottie Giada De Laurentiis is pregnant! People magazine has her on record acting like she’s really unsure over this whole gestation thing.

“When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock,” De Laurentiis, 37, admitted. “I truly didn’t believe it. I honestly thought, ‘there has got to be a mistake.’ “

Hmmm… disconcerting.

On to more pressing matters though, don’t you think this will make Giada’s famed cleavage even more unbelievably distracting? They’re going to have to do tighter shots of her face, or at least get her some turtlenecks.

We’ll see how they handle it, but for now here’s a survey.

Before common era.

• AfterElton profiles gay reality TV winners.
• A blogger writes an open letter to the cast of The Office.
• A profile on the two dudes who are defining VH1’s personality.
• Lou Pearlman is a perv — not necessarily that surprising.
• The stage is set for Rock of Love 2.
• TV Guide talks to Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck.
• Forest Whitaker will be making a new show for FX.
• Friday Night Lights is doing what any fledgling series would do to boost ratings: add nudity.
• The former heads of UPN and the WB talk to TV Guide.
• Alton Brown talks up the Next Iron Chef.
• Bradley Whitford and Neve Campbell are going to be in a scary, scary global warming miniseries.
• Ally Sheedy is joining Kyle XY.
• Jon Stewart will get as close to the White House as he’ll ever get when he interviews the vice president’s wife.
• Look at the Pushing Daisies comic book.
• The Jericho folks are covering all their bases in case it gets canceled again.
• Stupid Hung talks to New York magazine.
• Some babe got a job on Grey’s Anatomy.

I haven’t done this feature in a while. Remember when I said it was going to be on Thursdays? Hell, remember when I said I’d be recapping Top Chef?

Ha!

Anyways, I’ll resurrect this little feature by proposing a three-way (I know what you’re thinking — “Dan, that’s your solution to everything.”). But here we go, are you ready?

Who would win in a fight between Food Network’s Molto Mario, High School Musical’s Zac “Troy” Efron and Arrested Development’s G.O.B. Bluth?

Here’s a round-up of the contenders:

Mario Batali: Don’t let his teddy bear face fool you — Molto Mario would tear you in half if he ever got the chance. Like most chefs, he is skilled with a knife and knows anatomy. He’ll exploit his competitors’ weak parts in order to go for the kill. In addition, he’s got 150 and 100 pounds on Efron and Bluth, respectively. I’m conjuring a very specific image of Mario walking around, butcher knives in both hands, with Efron clinging to one leg and Bluth to the other. Batali’s weaknesses, however, lie in his strengths — his size means less agility and heavy, lumbering steps. He’s more likely to get winded mid-battle.

Zac Efron: Sure, he’s skinny. Sure, he’s young. But Zac Efron is a dancer. He’s got the best six pack of all the competitors (seriously, Google image him). I can imagine him darting between Bluth and Batali, quickly shooting between their legs and leaping on their backs, putting them in sleeper holds. That said, if Batali lands a punch, then it’s all over. Also, Efron’s orangish hue will make it hard to blend in if there is a Predator-like game of cat and mouse in the jungle.

G.O.B. Bluth: He may not be the strongest or the quickest, but as far as pure fearlessness, neither Efron or Batalie can match Bluth. Think of the possessed look in his eye when performing his magic. Think of him riding on his Segway, unsheathing his sword. Would you want to go up against that? Because I wouldn’t. Of course, as far as technical fighting skills go, I can’t imagine Bluth has that much to offer. But he’d probably play dirtier than either Batali or Efron, which is worth something.