One of the perks of being a gay man is that no one is shocked when you make frank sexual remarks at any age. It’s not that it’s any less creepy, it’s just expected.
Enter Meredith Viera, the lusty television hostess-of-a-certain-age. Courtesy of Best Week Ever, take a look at this clip of Viera hosting the syndicated version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. In it, she welcomes a member of our armed services with open arms and offers him effusive praise and a few ‘did she really say that?’ remarks.
It all climaxes around the two-minute mark, when she basically asks said serviceman to service her.
In other news, I’m excited to see how many hits we get based on Google searches for “old horny woman.”
Since Gossip Girl was a repeat this week (I know! I was sad too), I thought I’d share with y’all what my roommate and I did Sunday night (aside from watching the Academy of Country Music Awards, because I know you don’t care).
We watched a zillion hours of the BBC reality competition series Any Dream Will Do and squealed like insane people at every hilariously cheesy music cue, kick-ball-change, and pinched glare from LORD ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER AND DON’T YOU FORGET THE “LORD” PART.
How can you not love this hot mess?
So Any Dream Will Do, which is about casting the lead role in a new West End production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, originally aired in the UK two years ago, and the winner has presumably been playing Joseph eight times a week ever since in the finest tradition of Donny Osmond Jason Donovan. I’m kind of trying not to find out who wins the show, because I like suspense, but if you want to know, mosey on over to Wikipedia. They’ll tell you.
But the best part isn’t who wins. It’s the SHEER TECHNICOLOR INSANITY of this show. First, the … I don’t know what to call them. The judges? But they’re also mentors. And several of them appear to want to sleep with various contestants. I shall call them the Seacrest-Gunn-Abdul team. They include host presenter Graham Norton and judges/mentors John Barrowman, LORD LLOYD WEBBER, and several other people who are not as cute as John Barrowman or as bitchy as LORD LLOYD WEBBER so I don’t care about them. There are also eleven remaining Josephs after an audition process that went a lot like American Idol (I guess): They started with like 100, invited 50 to “Joseph school,” and then cut it down to 12 for the first live show. And Joseph school, let me tell you, was fucking hysterical. The part where the producers decided to score a dance rehearsal with Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” was the first time I spilled wine all over myself because I was laughing so hard.
Ah, shit. I just found out who won. Oh well. I will enjoy anyway.
So. This show is fantastically campy, especially the SING-OFF AT THE END. The two wannabe Josephs who got the fewest phone-in votes from the discerning theatre critics of Britain had to battle each other in song. It was epic. I present to you: The Bridge Over Troubled Fashion.
And then when the fellow on the right was eliminated by LORD LLOYD WEBBER, the other Josephs took his Dreamcoat away! And they made the poor eliminated sap sing “Close Every Door To Me”! That was the fifth time I spilled my wine in a fit of giggling glee. This show is awesome and I’m going to watch every rainbow minute of it.
Gay men: Are you your own worst enemy? Do you spend your time looking for hook-ups and wild nights out and then continually wonder why all you have to say for yourself is an apartment full of Ikea furniture and a complete set of Sex and the City DVDs? Do you worry about your hair? A lot?
Ladies who love them: Have you given up? Do you get 75% of what you need from your gay best friend and seek the shelter of a safe and comfortable relationship over the risk and stress of a new, but potentially meaningful one? Are you aging?
I suppose this is actually a pretty inoffensive thing, but the way they phrase it is a bit unflattering. Will and Grace were pretty tragic characters when you got past the slapstick gags and pop culture references. I have no shortage of straight female friends, but being described as Will and Grace would basically be tantamount to saying “welcome to the rest of your fulfilling-ish life.”
Tonight’s a new episode of Lost. It’s sure to be excellent, as the show has been keeping us on our toes lately. I don’t have much more to say because I haven’t watched television in literally days (the horror!), and if I had the time, I’d be up all night with unwatched episodes of Heroes, 24, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, House, Grey’s Anatomy, and now Lost, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have the time for that, and it’s bumming me out. I don’t like being out of the loop!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: It’s The Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular on CBS at 8:00 PM, Bob Barker’s last-ever episode hosting the show. It’s the end of an era. Sick days will never be the same.
Is it too much of a cliché to say there's a new sheriff in town?
Veronica knows, or will know very, very soon who killed Dean O'Dell. I am really excited, but not nearly as excited as I was for seasons one and two finales. There's something about committing to a whole year of a mystery that makes the payoff more satisfying. Anyway, my final thought is… I have no idea. I think Lucky Tim was the one bugging Landry, though, and that he's going to come through with some clutch info at the last minute. Maybe… Cliff did it? Seriously, I don't know. I'm hoping it's not Mindy or Landry, or if it's them it's for some crazy unexpected reason. Maybe it was the Dean's troubled son?
And before that, Gilmore Girls hopefully continues going strong, though I deeply fear that we'll be seeing more of Lane's Non-Comically Oversized Baby Tummy.
American Idol shoves out House again, sadly, as does the new show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, which… is kind of a great idea. Don't tell anyone I said so.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: I'm not really trying here, because I expect you all to watch Veronica. FX is showing 13 Going on 30, which I've always been morbidly curious about. Hey, whaddya know, Dirt is still airing new episodes. And I've got five words for you: Andrew McCarthy, Hallmark Original Movie. It's called Straight from the Heart. Isn't Andrew McCarthy due for a McDreamy-style comeback some time soon?
News nuggets to get you through your mid-morning slump
The creators of Will and Grace are going to make a pilot that is basically "Will and Grace Except Grace is a Dude." David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are going to make a "buddy comedy project" based on their own relationship — that of a straight writer (Kohan) and a gay writer (Mutchnick). Rounding out the cast will be the writers' "hot young assistants." Sounds lecherous, no?