So, I have this friend who goes by the alias of Pandacita on the TiFaux comment board. Lately we’ve been speaking to each other in British accents and saying only one word: “Bamber.”

As in Jamie Bamber — renowned actor, star of Battlestar Galactica and international hottie.

(by the way, I finished the third season of Battlestar last night… say WHAT with the five Cylons?!?!)

Jamie Bamber, saying with his eyes: “Fancy a shag?”

“Jamie Bamber” is a really great name to say in a British accent (pronounced [horribly] ‘bamb-uh’). Pandacita and I have entire conversations where we just alternate saying “bamb-uh” and “hallo” and “morning guv’nah.” Perhaps tossing in a “Nice day, innit?”

It is truly disgraceful.

I don’t want to offend our English reader(s) (hello John W.) but it’s a fun discourse to engage in. Here’s a clip of a very gracious Jamie speaking to a very intimidated reporter about his accent.

On that note, I thought I would make a fun little survey — who is your favorite English actor who speaks in an American accent. Here are your choices.

• Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica): I was really pretty shocked when I found out that Jamie Bamber was British. I was always under the impression that the cast of Battlestar was under a heavy Canadian influence — with thick maple syrup running through their veins. Fortunately, they recruited Englishman Jamie Bamber and his hot, towel-dropping self to play the complicated, conflicted Lee “Apollo” Adama.
• Hugh Laurie (House): Once again, here’s a guy I had no idea had a British origin until way late in the game. I guess I never felt compelled to dig into Wooster and Jeeves during my formative years (too busy, I suppose, drinking hard cider and watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge). In any case, Laurie’s American accent is a bit more staccato — perhaps it has to do with the severity of his character’s attitude, always pointing out everyone else’s problems.
• Johnny Lee Miller (Eli Stone): This show is growing to be a burden, I’m just going to say it. It’s not bad, but I don’t care what happens. The one thing that keeps me coming back is Johnny Lee Miller, his hotness and the knowledge that he’s masking his accent.
• Polly Whatserface (Cane): I’m not even going to bother looking up the last name of the chick from Cane for several reasons (I think it’s Walker but, as I said, I’m not going to look it up). First of all, no one watched that show but me and three other people. Two, she was a minor character. Three, no one would ever accuse her of having an awesome American accent because I, myself, always find myself wondering why an heiress from Florida always spoke like she was a college junior who had experienced a really influential semester abroad in London and hadn’t quite shaken it.

Looks like there was something to it when people were sensing the creepy “you can’t date him, he’s your uncle” feeling on Heroes.

Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have been outed as an item.  I really don’t know how to feel about this.  So much pretty.  So much famous.  So much rich.   I can’t figure out if this is weird or cute.

Let’s lay it out:

CUTE: They’re both apple-cheeked and attractive.

WEIRD: He’s 30, she’s only 18.

CUTE: Singing and acting babies.

WEIRD: If they got married and she hyphenated her last name, it would have 21 letters.

CUTE: They can nuzzle on the couch while running lines together.

WEIRD: When he was learning to drive a car, she was four.

Thoughts?

I can’t say anything that Maggie hasn’t already said about High School Musical 2: Havana Nights. But I can cop to the fact that I spent the first hour of my workweek scouring YouTube to get my HSM fix, and came up with the “official video” for breakout hit “I Don’t Dance,” which incorporates nearly every player I’ve ever had on any fantasy baseball team of mine. Plus Bronson Arroyo. Plenty of Jose Reyes high fives, plus David Wright exactly as I like to think of him: Sliding into home.

Lord knows I love Giada De Laurentiis. Between her show’s artfully wobbly camera work, her delicious creations, her smiley demeanor and the wardrobe department’s low-cut tops, there’s a lot to be happy with on Everyday Italian.

So I was reading the most recent issue of Esquire recently and I saw this weird-ass photo shoot of her with a white dress and ton of tomatoes. You can see the other photos from the shoot here, including one where it looks like her face has been airbrushed to twice its original width.

Straight men — do you guys actually find this hot? Is this just another thing we’ll never agree on — like professional sports, war movies and pleated pants?

Okay, suckers, it’s my birthday. Do you know what that means?

What it means is that I’m going to write about whatever I want, no matter how tenuously it connects to the world of television. Basically, I’m going to talk about 1.) boys and 2.) rock and roll. If you recall, I did the same thing last year when I spotlighted Lost’s Charlie, Big Brother’s Kaysar and the room-decorating baldie Angelo Surmelis (ow, ow!), then I posted a now-expired YouTube clip of the Go! Team.

Contrary to popular belief, people don’t change. So here’s some more of the same.

Alright girls, first up, can we have a discussion of how hot Adrian Pasdar’s beard is? Admittedly, if you’ve seen him lately he’s looking a little Muqtada Al-Sadr, but when it’s properly groomed, look out! I’m guessing that even if I strap on a guitar and a blonde wig, he’s not likely to mistake me for Natalie Maines.

Hold up. You know, instead of turning this into Tiger Beat, like last year, and posting pictures of TV people who turn my head (for the record, like Aasif Mandvi or Josh Stamberg from Studio 60), I’ll make this post music heavy. That is, I’ll list a bunch of bands and YouTube clips and you can go ahead and glaze over. Sound like a plan? Okay.

First up, here’s a CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR VERSION of The Pipettes’ “Pull Shapes. Why are you not watching this? You cannot hate The Pipettes. Do you hate Christmas? Is that it? (full disclosure: I kind of hate Christmas a little bit, so you can say yes. It’s okay.)

This is a great older clip of The Raveonettes’ “Great Love Sound.” They keep trying to kill each other in it!

Finally, there’s some pretty awesome YouTube footage of The Go! Team at the Glastonbury Festival. Here’s part one. There are a few more and they’re all like 9 minutes each.

And if you haven’t taken the time to YouTube stalk Maria Bamford, here’s a clip of her that will win the heart of anyone who’s ever been a temp.

Okay… that’s all. Bottoms up!

I have no idea who Joe Buck is. (apparently he likes sports?)

In the following YouTube clip of his talk show, though, he is in the back of a cab with a pants-less Paul Rudd. And, for that, he inspires no small amount of jealousy.

I’d like to take a moment to shake my fist toward the sky and scream at God.  I really don’t think it’s fair that someone can be that hot and funny at the same time.  Shouldn’t he have developed humor as a coping mechanism like the rest of us?  Perhaps he endured a back brace throughout junior high or had an awful childhood speech impediment that he has since recovered from (but sometimes resurfaces when he’s tired or had too much to drink).

One can only hope.

What’s short, dark and smokin’ hot?

Aww, look at our tournament winner! Better start treasuring these final moments, Veronica Mars fans. The (most likely) final few episodes start airing tonight. God, I’ve missed Veronica, and I’m going to miss her again when this is done. Sniff. We’ll always have the season one DVDs, right, V?

I asked for it, and the universe responded (it’s The Secret): Rory Gilmore did not get the Reston fellowship. Oh, woe, whatever shall she do now? Perchance she shall steal a boat? Mayhap she’ll marry her a-hole boyfriend, so he’ll take care of her forever? Seriously, though, I want to know, and it better not be either of those two things. (Rumor has it the actual answer involves one of my favorite words… karaoke.)

And there’s a new House. This is, like, the best night ever.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: In a night of so much awesomeness, I almost abstained from recommending anything else, but then this caught my eye: Body Doubles: International Twin Search, which also might be the first thing I’ve ever mentioned from MyNetworkTV. It’s a search for the world’s hottest twins. I really don’t know what else to say.

Listen. I’ve been watching The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll. I know. I know. I might as well just take a steak knife and put it through the heart of my favorite tiny girl detective. I know I should leave that time slot vacant our of respect for the Veronica Mars hiatus, but there are 20 year olds CRYING on the television, wearing garters and saying things like “I just know in my heart that this is what I’m supposed to be.” And they’re saying it about The Pussycat Dolls! I can’t ignore material like this!

The four remaining Doll hopefuls have been sherpad through this “life changing experience” by one Robin Antin, the “creator and visionary behind the Pussycat Dolls.” (Every time I use quotation marks please know that I’m taking dialogue directly from competition host Mark McGrath. And while I’m pumped that Mr. Sugar Ray gets to fill out a W2 form this year, watching him do this is just horribly sad and depressing, like the scene where the pony sinks into the bog in The Neverending Story, or watching your 2nd grade teacher turn tricks). I’ve been trying to come up with a way to accurately describe Robin that doesn’t involve the phrase “Imagine if Atoosa Rubenstein and Skeletor had a baby, and that baby spent 4 hours a day in a tanning bed” but it’s just not possible (actually, can’t credit Marky Mark with that one, though it would be great for him to use that quote in place of “Fabulous job, ladies!” which he repeats about 7 times an episode while the producers crop the shot to exclude the gun aimed directly at his left temple). Robin is in charge of imparting years of wisdom into the doe eyed and extremely bendy contestants.

I can’t believe I went to Smith for this.

We’re in the home stretch with just three weeks left to go and four wannabes lined up at the door to the Doll House. My statistical assessment of each of their chances is as follows:

Asia

Pros: Named after a land mass.
Cons: Does annoying off-key Xxtina-eque vocal trills; takes herself entirely too seriously.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Because she refuses to eat any of the healthy CW-provided meals and orders in cheeseburgers every day, but still has the tiniest ass I’ve ever seen in my life. Also, was so That Girl That Everyone Hated in high school, the one you look for in awkward Maxim “girl next door” photo shoots so you can talk about how the mighty have fallen.
Why She Could Win: Affirmative Action; Because the world is an unfair place; because Lil Kim is one of the judges and she’s not been known to make good, well thought-out decisions.

Bad Melissa

Pros: Canadian. (Yes, this is how much I hate her)
Cons: Stepped to my girl Chelsea; has weird bangs.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Is Evil.
Why She Could Win: Because they could take her on only to have a Destiny’s Child-like OMG Someone Got Kicked Out scandal three months from now.

Chelsea

Pros: Is adorable; Is a genuinely good person; Is the kind of person you’d want to be friends/ sisters with; Recently lost 100 pounds; has adorable bangs.
Cons: Zero.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Has no dance background and difficulty with choreography.
Why She Could Win: Can actually sing; Doesn’t suck at life.

Good Melissa

Pros: Strong singer and dancer; looks great when standing next to Bad Melissa.
Cons: Isn’t Chelsea.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Because I want Chelsea to.
Why She Could Win: Has actual talent.

Now, for all you McDreamy voters out there — read this and tell me you don’t regret your decision.

What’s that? You stand by your vote?

What’s the matter with you? Do you hate children?