I haven’t done this feature in a while. Remember when I said it was going to be on Thursdays? Hell, remember when I said I’d be recapping Top Chef?
Anyways, I’ll resurrect this little feature by proposing a three-way (I know what you’re thinking — “Dan, that’s your solution to everything.”). But here we go, are you ready?
Who would win in a fight between Food Network’s Molto Mario, High School Musical’s Zac “Troy” Efron and Arrested Development’s G.O.B. Bluth?
Here’s a round-up of the contenders:
Mario Batali: Don’t let his teddy bear face fool you — Molto Mario would tear you in half if he ever got the chance. Like most chefs, he is skilled with a knife and knows anatomy. He’ll exploit his competitors’ weak parts in order to go for the kill. In addition, he’s got 150 and 100 pounds on Efron and Bluth, respectively. I’m conjuring a very specific image of Mario walking around, butcher knives in both hands, with Efron clinging to one leg and Bluth to the other. Batali’s weaknesses, however, lie in his strengths — his size means less agility and heavy, lumbering steps. He’s more likely to get winded mid-battle.
Zac Efron: Sure, he’s skinny. Sure, he’s young. But Zac Efron is a dancer. He’s got the best six pack of all the competitors (seriously, Google image him). I can imagine him darting between Bluth and Batali, quickly shooting between their legs and leaping on their backs, putting them in sleeper holds. That said, if Batali lands a punch, then it’s all over. Also, Efron’s orangish hue will make it hard to blend in if there is a Predator-like game of cat and mouse in the jungle.
G.O.B. Bluth: He may not be the strongest or the quickest, but as far as pure fearlessness, neither Efron or Batalie can match Bluth. Think of the possessed look in his eye when performing his magic. Think of him riding on his Segway, unsheathing his sword. Would you want to go up against that? Because I wouldn’t. Of course, as far as technical fighting skills go, I can’t imagine Bluth has that much to offer. But he’d probably play dirtier than either Batali or Efron, which is worth something.
Who would win in a fight?