Stay tuned to TiFaux later in the day for a special announcement.  Yes, I’m a bastard.

• American Idol will become a theme park attraction at Disney Hollywood Studios. Five bucks to anyone who can think of anything more unpleasant.
• Dirt and The Riches will have second seasons of seven episodes each.
• Seth MacFarlane is adored by the gays. News to me.
• Meet the new Losties.
• Sawyer Nickname Generator, anyone?
• Bryan Cranston talks about his Breaking Bad character.
• Friday Night Lights might not make it, guys.
• Meet the new Big Brother sex machines. Via YouTube.

I’m obsessed with this one: “kiefer where are you sexy man need ur pants i want suck ur eye balls out…………… LOL………”

• Project Runway wins a big gay award and Tim Gunn gets ferklemped.
• Jason Alexander has joined the cast of a new cop comedy. Heather Locklear’s got something up her sleeve too.
• Looking at this page saves you from having to watch an episode of Dirt — specifically, the one with lesbian Jennifer Aniston.
• Lost + philosophy = intense overanalysis.
• Enter here to win a chance to die on the Sci-Fi Channel. (Not Battlestar — a TV movie)
• An exhaustive interview with one of the higher-ups on Lost.
• There’s a new Ask Ausiello spoiler thread up.
• Hilary Swank, Magic Johnson, Evangeline Lilly and Hayden Pannettiere are all getting Punk’d.
• David Duchovny is almost done negotiating for a second X-Files movie. It is allegedly going to be a stand-alone supernatural movie, which I think is a way better idea than continuing on with the conspiracy nonsense that killed the series.

Is it too much of a cliché to say there's a new sheriff in town?

Veronica knows, or will know very, very soon who killed Dean O'Dell. I am really excited, but not nearly as excited as I was for seasons one and two finales. There's something about committing to a whole year of a mystery that makes the payoff more satisfying. Anyway, my final thought is… I have no idea. I think Lucky Tim was the one bugging Landry, though, and that he's going to come through with some clutch info at the last minute. Maybe… Cliff did it? Seriously, I don't know. I'm hoping it's not Mindy or Landry, or if it's them it's for some crazy unexpected reason. Maybe it was the Dean's troubled son?

And before that, Gilmore Girls hopefully continues going strong, though I deeply fear that we'll be seeing more of Lane's Non-Comically Oversized Baby Tummy.

American Idol shoves out House again, sadly, as does the new show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, which… is kind of a great idea. Don't tell anyone I said so. 

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: I'm not really trying here, because I expect you all to watch Veronica. FX is showing 13 Going on 30, which I've always been morbidly curious about. Hey, whaddya know, Dirt is still airing new episodes. And I've got five words for you: Andrew McCarthy, Hallmark Original Movie. It's called Straight from the Heart. Isn't Andrew McCarthy due for a McDreamy-style comeback some time soon?

Pumps and bump, pumps and a bump, we like the girls with the pumps and a bump. 

• The Special Olympics thank American Idol for making fun of retarded people.
• Let's think long and hard about who this item would be of interest to.  CBS will have a pirate-themed reality show, tentatively entitled "Pirate Master." 
• Poor kid.  Some stupid girl hit Marcel from Top Chef in the face with a bottle, requiring 30 stitches and giving him an inch-long scar on his face.  Meanwhile Ilan is presumably feeling guilty for being a jerk and is calling Marcel all the time. 
• Not only is Jennifer Aniston going to do a guest spot on the boring-ass show Dirt, but she'll be gayin' it up as well.  In fact, she will give a big ole' smooch to Courteney Cox.
• Felicity got knocked up. 

If they sold cologne that smelled like lemon Palmolive dishwashing liquid, I'd buy it in bulk.  I swear to God. 

• Best Week Ever is featuring a You Tube clip from Zach Galifianakis' old show (see below) which features a surprisingly cleaned-up pre-Britney K-Fed.  It's good stuff.
• Gay, Straight or Taken premieres tonight on Lifetime at 8.  I have to admit, I'm all over it.  Click here to get a preview of the contestants and test your own gaydar — I'm guessing Mike and Victor based on looks alone.
• Folk-singin', poetry-writing, car-living yodeler Jewel says she was supposed to be on the first Real World , but she declined.  Presumably, she would have been the first choice over Becky (the other aspiring folk singer).  Jewel is going to host Nashville Star (American Idol for country music) on USA.  Fun fact: if you read Dave Eggers' first book, you know he was almost chosen for the third season, but the producers picked Judd instead.
• If you've missed an episode of Battlestar Galactica this season, set your TiFaux for the marathon on Jan. 15. 
• The Wire is getting syndicated on BET. 
• Ugly Betty's on iTunes.  
• Looks like Dirt did reasonably well in the ratings.  Considering how inescapable the ads were, I'd hope so. 
• Jake is going to be a presenter at the Golden Globes.  And so are some other people.  Hmmm…  Jake in a tux…

Update: Looks like Maggie and I are sharing a brain today.  And we even used the same Google Image search terms.

That show Dirt was on FX tonight.  And, although it had the potential to be really, really bad or really, really good, it was merely 'eh.'  On a scale from Gilbert Gottfried to Jake Gyllenhaal, it was maybe a Freddie Prinze Jr.  

Notably, this was the first show I've ever seen on FX, although apparently The Commish 2.0 is quite good. 

If you've seen the previews (and how could you not, recently?), you know the deal.  Courteney Cox is a cut-throat tabloid editor who wants to know who's sexin' who, who's gay, who's a coke whore, blah, blah.  She's backed up by a faithful schizophrenic photographer, her douchey boss and a few dozen worker drones who write zingy captions.

Throughout the whole show, you get the feeling the entire point of this show is to make you feel bad for reading Us Weekly.  It's like there's some sort of major point to be made about human nature based on our fascination with Reese Witherspoon picking her wedgie in Stars They're Just Like Us.  

I don't know.  I suppose I've already beat them to the punch when it comes to self-hate, so I haven't really invested a lot of thought into figuring it out. 

Courteney Cox did fine as the icy, crotch-tasering (seriously) Lucy Spiller. (Spiller! Get it?) Frankly, she is kind of an enigma to me.  On one hand, I closely associate her with her character on Friends — the color-coding, tightly-wound Monica — and I kind of suspect she's a little like that in real life.  On the other hand, she's all marrying David Arquette and naming her baby Coco.  So who really knows.

The most interesting character, though, is the aforementioned schizophrenic photographer.  In its most conceptual moments, when he's having his freakouts, peoples' words literally come out of their mouths, cats talk and faces come out of the backs of peoples heads.  It's a fun novelty, but it's merely that.

Anyway, I doubt I'll be a regular viewer so I don't even know why I've created a tag for this show.  Meh.