I can’t wait for Pushing Daisies to come back. Really.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen an episode, I’ve almost forgotten how wonderful and surreal the show is. While I love its fun mystery plotlines and the charming characters, the little maraschino cherry on top of it all is spunky, lovable Kristin Chenowith.

To whet your appetite next season, here’s a Funny or Die clip with Kristin telling gay folks to say no to crystal meth.

It’s been a while since we last checked in with our resident Sapphic correspondents, but since the conclusion of Work Out’s third season, it’s about time we got their take on the season as a whole.

1. Marcie from Rehoboth Beach wrote in to ask: Girls, I’m going to level with you. I was really surprised that Jackie and Briana seemed to patch things up in the end. Or at least get on the road to improving their relationship. Do you think that it’ll last a year?

Sam: Yeah, thats what lesbians do. They break up and get back together again, then break up and get back together again, then break up and get back together again, did I mention break up and get back together again? You see, there are multiple levels of breaking up in a lesbian relationship. I like to think of it like Dante’s Inferno. Many different rings, many stages to go through. And it just keeps getting shittier. But no, it won’t last more than a year.

Jasmine: It won’t last. Jackie can’t trust that young Briana and, as Sam said, it will continue to spiral down into a macabre spectacle that I can only hope we will see at the beginning of next season.

2. Doug from Madison, Wisconsin asks: As someone who has lost more than half his body weight over the course of the past year, I find it really touching how all of the Sky Lab clients dropped so much weight at the end of the season. As much of a mess as Jackie is, you have to say that she’s a good trainer and getter of results, right?

Sam: Yeah, she is really good at what she does thats for sure. Her trainers are also really talented. Especially Agostina (how come there hasn’t been more questions on Agostina!?!) I’m now going to change this question to something else because dammit, its my last chance…..

Lauren from Washington D.C. writes: Sam, aren’t you madly in love with Agostina and want to make sweet love to her all night long?

Sam: Why yes Lauren, I AM madly in love with her and want to make sweet love to her all night long. Thank you so much for asking. Agostina if you are reading this, I will gladly move out there to be with you. And not in a stalkerish sort of way at all. I swear.

Jasmine: Wow. Um…Doug, to answer YOUR question, I would agree that Jackieis very good at what she does. The SkyLab section of the show is by far my favorite. I hope that other fans find as much inspiration from the SkyLab clients as I do, but I know there are some shallow fans out there that only want to focus on the drama and fantasizing about the
trainers. By the way - I hope you weighed more than 200 lbs.

3. Lisa from Denver has a query: I found myself liking Rebecca more this season than in seasons past. She wasn’t so nuts and insecure. Do you agree?

Sam: Yeah, but they also didn’t focus that much on Rebecca and her craziness cause she wasn’t with Jackie. I think if something was actually going on between them, she would’ve been the same as she was last season.

Jasmine: I agree.

4. Stu from Philly has a very direct question: So, you’re lesbians, right? What exactly do you do?

Sam: Stu I’m glad you asked that. First off, yes I am in fact a lesbian. I love my women and only understand men to do one thing and one thing alone. I’ll leave that first answer with that. As for what we do, Lesbianism is a very complicated balance between drama and power tools. We have to make sure we mess with other women’s minds frequently while building enough sheds to hit our home depot members club quota. I’ll tell you, its exhausting, but worth it. You should see the discounts I get at this store!

Jasmine: Yes. I only have romantic relationships and sex with women - that is what I do. Among other various legal and illegal activities.

So, remember that mayo ad I shared with you the other day?

It couldn’t be long until someone got bent out of shape about it, right? Sorry to make today all about gay commercials (plus, there’s more to come soon. Sorry again.) but here’s a tiring debate about the whole matter. As a back story, the commercial has been pulled from the airwaves in the UK.

Oh, Neil Patrick Harris. I love how you continue to defy expectations.

You claw your way out of the child star purgatory and wiggle your way into a successful prime time gig. You come out of the closet and refuse to only take gay roles, instead tackling the role of a misogynist on a pretty funny network series.

It just warms my heart is all.

On that note, take a look at NPH’s new Old Spice commercial. It’s both genuinely chuckle-worthy (which is a higher compliment than it sounds) as well as defiant of the expectations one would have from an openly gay actor.

Take a look:

Since we took last week off of Ask a Lesbian, we have plenty of ground to cover. Let’s see, what did we miss?

Jackie took the whole crew, plus Skylabbers, out to a retreat where she proceeded to crush their spirits. But crush their spirits in a benevolent way so she can build them back up to be lean, mean, non-processed food eating, sugar-shunning machines. Deenie gets a psychological beat-down in group therapy and you get that she only mostly deserved it.

The trainers stay up drinking one night. Rebecca does a genius impression of Jackie (I totally love impressions that only have a threadbare connection to the subject — much like Amy Poehler’s Hillary Clinton). Renessa and Greg P. (I’ve been asked why he is so strange-looking, aside from — you know — his freakishly hulking frame. I think it’s the boyishness of his face off-set by his superhero jawline. That’s just a guess, though.) get drunk and have a totally excessive romp in the hot tub and pool. Greg doesn’t show up for the beachside work out the next morning and is summarily chewed out.

Peeler shows up at a charity event (in honor of Doug) drunk. We find out his marriage has dissolved as well. Jackie tries to talk to him and she almost approaches it like a grown-up, but when Peeler loses his temper she reverts right back to alpha dog status. Oh well.

Enough about summaries, on to the lesbians!

1. Jason from Texas asks: That scene with Renessa and Greg fooling around in the pool and hot tub was kind of porny. I thought it was really hot, personally. Do lesbians watch porn?

Sam: Before I answer this question I just want to clear up something that was said last week. I was not, repeat not, planning a potluck. My version of a potluck would include brats, beer, and charcoal. I don’t need people getting the wrong impression of me [ed note -- my apologies. And thanks, Sam, for helping me reshingle my roof this weekend.]. Now to the question, yes, lesbians watch porn. We are human and sexual. And here’s the kicker my dear friend Jason, some lesbians even watch heterosexual porn. Thats right, male and female. Crazy, huh?

Jasmine: Jason, I suppose there are some lesbians who watch porn (see Sam), but I just like to cuddle and braid my girlfriend’s hair. However, the word “porny” gets me kinda hot.

2. Paul from Delaware wants to know: Jackie was scary at that beach training! So much yelling… Why is she so mean? Is that hot?

Sam: Nope. Not hot. She’s just a pain in the ass. Okay, well, some yelling is necessary, some of these people need a good kick in the ass. But, its not hot. It would be hot of course if Agostina handled it.

Jasmine: These people went to the retreat to have Jackie yell at them and whip them into shape - at least that is why I would be there. She’s so tough, its very hot.

3. Stephanie from Michigan has a question: I thought that the whole televised group therapy thing was kind of appalling. Who would want their baggage aired on TV like that? What do you think?

Sam: I agree its a bit much. Not sure how I feel about it being on television, and the way they attack that one girl. But they did sign up to be on this show, they knew what they were getting into. And it is what sells, and hey, you watched it.

Jasmine: People love their baggage aired on TV - are you kidding? Jerry Springer?

4. Josh from Maryland asks: Jasmine, if you were to make Jackie over, what would you do to her? Sam, do you think that you could take Jackie in a fight?

Sam: Josh, I have been waiting for this question since the blog started. The answer is most definitely yes, I could could in fact kick Jackie’s ass up and down the street. She thinks shes a badass, but shes been too busy making candy bars and clothes that she is out of shape. This alpha female thing needs to be checked a bit.

Jasmine: Jackie is so hot - she doesn’t need to be made over (I’m even getting used to the longer hair). She just needs a little more drama in her relationship. Maybe an affair with Agostina would help that - Raaahr!

Saturday Night Live has become the go-to place as of late for political opportunity. Political satire, of course, but also opportunity.

Like The Daily Show, it’s where campaign advisors tell candidates to go so that they can really relate to the young people. They’ll use words like “viral” and hope that young people with polo shirts will put down their Wiis long enough to shuffle to the poll on the election day.

Now that John McCain has made his appearance on SNL, we can now say that the future president of the United States will have considered the show important enough to make an appearance on. (See Barack here, see Hillary here)

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s one of the two bits that John McCain did on the season finale of SNL.

I’m really tripped up, as you may guess, by the fact that he had to discuss gaydar. It’s a term that I’m probably pretty sure doesn’t get tossed around the McCain household too much.

When he says, “Now I don’t know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this — Jamming gaydar is not a federal responsibility,” it’d be funny if it was Darrell Hammond. Or funnier, at least.

But when I saw that, I remembered this.

No matter how many sketch comedy shows he does or even if he does a surreal drop-in on 30 Rock, I don’t think I’d be able get past it.

There won’t be an installment of Ask a Lesbian About Last Week’s Work Out this week, as Jasmine is in the middle of a fast-pitch softball tournament and Sam has been feverishly planning her pot luck all week. We’ll return next week with more insights into the wild world of lesbians and their mysterious rituals.

For now, though, you’ll have to settle with a teaser for tonight’s episode. In it, Greg (one G) and Renessa get drunk and flirt. Way to go, Work Out, for charting new reality territory.

Something to keep in mind, though. When you (and I) get drunk, we’re probably just as charming as these two are. Only we don’t look as good when we jump into the hot tub fully/semi-clothed.

Awww… Ellen announced that she’s getting hitched on her show.

If you don’t know:

• Ellen’s partner/girlfriend/fiance (!) is Portia De Rossi of Arrested Development.
• gay people can get married in California now.
• California has no residency requirements for marriage (like Massachusetts does).

Take that, establishment!

There are few animals as misunderstood as the wily lesbian. As evidenced on Bravo’s hit series Work Out, now entering its third season on Bravo, there are some behaviors exhibited by Sky Sport and Spa owner Jackie and her coterie of toned lady-loving ladies that may be curious to people not familiar with gay culture.

In order to foster understanding for the lesbian community, I’ve recruited some of my lesbian friends to answer to viewer-submitted questions. Hopefully, they’ll be able to shed light on the behavior of some of the gals on Work Out (”What’s the deal with Jackie’s relationship with Rebecca?”) and the community in general (”If a lesbian attacks you, should you play dead, climb up a tree or punch her on the nose?”).

Bruce from Tuscaloosa asks: I noticed that on this season of Work Out, Jackie’s hair has changed rather dramatically. Before, she had a spikey, cyber-punky short haircut. But now she’s let it grow out and it’s a much softer look. Do you approve of this transformation?

Sam: I think she looks good with both hair styles. Past that, I don’t care.

Jasmine: She is trying to show that she is more relaxed because of all the sex she is having in her new “healthy” relationship. It’s an “I just got out of bed and haven’t had time to use product or get my hair cut” kind of do. I think it is a farce - I do not approve.

Michelle from Atlanta wonders: Rebecca is driving me positively batty! Batty, I say! She keeps saying she’s not jealous, but her talk is pretty cheap considering she is always watching Jackie and complaining she doesn’t get any attention. Am I overreacting?

Sam: Well the answer is simple. Rebecca is clearly still attracted to Jackie, but Jackie clearly still has feelings for Rebecca and is enjoying the drama (as most lesbians do for some god awful reason). Jackie wants to play with fire and hasn’t told Rebecca to back off and stop saying how she misses her and wants to spend time with her. So no, you are not overreacting but Rebecca isn’t alone in this. Jackie still wants the attention from one hot girl. And I don’t blame her. Rebecca is hot, as long as she doesn’t talk.

Jasmine: You are not overreacting! Rebecca is totally jealous and annoying.

Cheryl from New Brunswick wants to know: Jackie said she fell for her new beau in a matter of five minutes. Is that the way it usually works with lesbians?

Sam: I would love to tell you, Cheryl, that this is not the case, but there have been way too many scenarios where this is true. Women tend to be more in tune to their emotions and how they feel about people. They follow their heart and not their head. With men, it tends to move a little bit slower and more rationally [ed note -- have you seen gay male culture?]. So if you get two women in a relationship, it usually speeds up the process. But women can also rush into things and get blinded by lust, especially if sex is involved early on and not realize its nothing more than an instant attraction which then makes the drama that much worse when the breakup happens. Everything seems to always be more dramatic and intense between women.

Jasmine: If it doesn’t work that way - then you aren’t truly a lesbian.

Roy from Cincinnati ponders: This doesn’t have anything to do with Work Out, but I just want to know — what exactly is it about Angelina Jolie?

Sam: Oh Roy… hmm… where to begin. First off, there is something about a woman being unbelievably gorgeous and also knowing she can kick your ass. And those eyes. She beats you down with those eyes. And her smile. And that body. Basically my prayer every night is that one day she’ll realize she is attracted to women and not Brad Pitt and I can be there for her and help out with her… feelings.

Jasmine: Good question. Maybe its her incestuous tendencies, her sleeping with female models, her drama-filled marriage to Billy Bob Thorton, or her chic way of adopting a child from every country (the latest celeb accessory) that make her every lesbian’s dream date.

Do you have a question you would like to ask one of our resident lesbians? E-mail us with it at tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com.