How’s it going? It’s been a while.
Me? I’m doing fine. Working a lot. Yup, still single — so if you know any nice guys, give ’em my number. Not-nice guys with big arms work too.
But yeah, it’s a rough time to be a network, eh? Not only is all the interesting stuff happening on cable these days, but I think all y’all are still regaining your footing after the strike. After all, this new fall season was a Christmas stocking full of turds. After the long dry spell of original programming, we were all amped for a slew of hot new creative programming, but there was really nothing new worth getting excited about (Worst Week, anyone?).
So, Alphabet Network (can I call you that?) — late last week you announced that Pushing Daisies was getting canceled. (Was the decision to time the announcement that way based on that old kernel of corporate wisdom that if you fire someone on a Friday there’s less of a likelihood of an “incident?”) You also killed Eli Stone (kind of a relief so I don’t feel obligated to watch the backlog on my DVR) and Dirty Sexy Money (kind of a shame — to be discussed at a later date).
And I know you know this, but I take umbrage — great umbrage — at the demise of this show.
Praising Pushing Daisies at this point seems superfluous, but it’s still pretty important to note its strengths. The incredible set design (I’m not usually one to get carried away with scenery, but when everything is so visually vibrant it’s hard to miss), the imaginative storylines, the tart dialogue and the incredible cast. Kristin Chenowith is so adorable and talented it makes me want to cry. And I’m basically completely in love with Lee Pace, just so y’all know, with his hands-in-pockets slouch and shy smirks.
And what do you have on tap to replace Pushing Daisies? An eighth season of According to Jim? Fresh episodes of Gary Unmarried? While I enjoy a good comfort comedy every now and then (can’t beat some good old fashioned Roseanne reruns), there’s really no excuse to flog the family sitcom format for much longer. It feels dated — very late nineties. Like I should listen to my Sixpence None the Richer album on my way to the latest movie in the Scream franchise. Furthermore, even though Pushing Daisies is gone, but Private Practice remains. So help me God, the fact that Tim Daly is gainfully employed yet Kristin Chenowith is taking her adorable four-foot frame to the Gap to fill out job applications is beyond tragic.
So, yeah, ABC. What’s it going to take? I know I’m just one person and I have limited means, but I’m sure we can come to arrangements. Here’s what I’m willing to offer:
- A hand-written coupon for a free backrub
- A macaroni necklace PLUS a tambourine made of beans and two stapled-together paper plates
- Participation in light bondage with whichever members of your upper management would be into that (the safe word is “The Commish”)
- A few dress shirts that I bought that shrunk after I washed them. They don’t fit anymore, but they might fit a pre-teen boy or a nice young lesbian executive.
That’s all I’ve got networks. Can we negotiate? You can reach us at tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com and claim all or one of the prizes.