I’ve been seeing ads for this Leatherheads movie with George Clooney and John Krasinksi. I don’t really plan on seeing it (the fact that Clooney and Krasinski are in it are outweighed by the fact that it’s about football), but it got me thinking about movie careers for TV stars.

For every George Clooney, there’s a Shelley Long. When you depart from a successful TV series you could end up with Oceans 11 or you could end up with Hello Again. So it makes me worried for dear Johnny — while I hear he has no plans to leave The Office, I hope that he can pull off movie stardom as well.

If you recall, his first high profile foray into the big screen was that Mandy Moore/Robin Williams lead balloon License to Wed. The one where he had to babysit a robotic baby who subsequently urinated in his mouth. I kind of feel like that situation is a larger metaphor for TV stars and fame. The TV star is the hapless parent played by Krasinski while the baby represents the elusive Lady Fame. No one ever knows why, but sometimes the baby is happy with your performance. Other times you’re just standing there with good intentions and there’s a baby pissing in your mouth. And not just your mouth, but pissing in the mouth of all actors who dare to dream.

It’s sadly beautiful, really.

In any case, let’s take a little survey of TV stars and assess their stardom potential. They’re rated in Clooneys (one for little movie potential, five for lots of potential).

John Krasinski (The Office) - 4 Clooneys
Despite Krasinksi’s aforementioned missteps (Leatherheads didn’t do so well either), I still think he’s got it in him. He should probably have started smaller rather than taken the first Robin Williams romp out of the gate. From the previews (perish the thought of actually watching the movie), Krasinski was probably the best part of it. So The Office will keep going for a few more years and he’ll have plenty of time to strike gold — I’m not too worried.

Jorge Garcia (Lost) - 2 Clooneys

It’s a sad state of affairs, but there are only so many roles for the larger set of actors. Quirky best friends, downtrodden service employees, etc.  I’m guessing he’ll find steady work, but remain safely in the character actor zone.

Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy) - 1 Clooney

I can’t imagine Pompeo really breaking out. She’s doesn’t embue Grey with a lot of intangible likability.

Zachary Levi (Chuck) - 3 Clooneys

Levi could be a wild card. I can imagine him writing and starring in an off-broadway play after Chuck wraps to get back to his roots and then he breaks out as a true talent. On the other hand, he could do the same thing and “Braff it.”

Katee Sackhoff (Battlestar Galactica) - 4 Clooneys

I think Sackhoff has a long career ahead of her on television. She seems to be carving out her niche in the sci-fi action babe category — who can blame her? — and this is a limiting, but lucrative proposition.

If you read TiFaux regularly, you know that there are certain core principles I always bring up again and again.

There’s my weird shameful/not shameful relationship with reality TV shows like Survivor, my unbridled lust for folks like trainer Bob on The Biggest Loser and Rami on Project Runway as well as my contempt for folks like Ryan Seacrest. But the one thing I want to revisit today is my undying love for The Office’s Mindy Kaling. Dear, sweet, gurgling baby Jesus — I love her.

I subscribe to Esquire — which is just as surprising to me as it is to you. Although, it may not be that odd considering it is targeted to gay-ish straight guys. Anyway, Mindy contributed a list of “Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women.” Usually, this regular feature is done by some hot young vamp and she says things that are sort of edgy, but not really. And it comes off as trying too hard. And failing.

But Mindy’s so funny and at peace with her own girliness and materialistic tendencies that the list came out beautifully. How can you not love it when she describes stuff as “the cutest thing ever” in a tone that is half deadpan and half earnest.

For an example of the greatness, here’s her number three:

Instead of calling your ex a bitch, say: “[Name] is being difficult and could act more reasonable.” Then vent by flattening some boxes for recycling. This shows restraint and a love for the environment.

Read the rest here. And, of course, her blog is here.

Rahr.

Recently (or, more likely, not so recently), pop culture has revealed the concept of the “cougar.” It’s a pretty ugly term, really, if you ask me.

It refers to a woman Of A Certain Age who has a notably voracious sexual appetite for the young mens. Perhaps it has something to do with the rising number of aging leading ladies, or perhaps it has something to do with the rejection of the notion that women can’t age as gracefully as men and retain all the same sexual appetites.

I don’t know — gender studies weren’t/aren’t on my area of expertise. Suffice it to say, a cougar is a lady who is pre-menopausal, post-wild-oats-sewing, empowered and confident. Think Kim Catrall on Sex and the City.

On that note, let’s have a dumb survey. Who’s your favorite TV cougar? (Needless to say, I’m feeling sick and can’t think very straight — you’ll have to let this post slide)

• Jan (The Office) - Not to make this the week of Jan, but she has made her love of her ex-assistant Hunter quite explicit. In a creepy way, to be sure.
• Katherine (Desperate Housewives) - This week, we learned that the character played by Dana Delaney was actually banging Teri Hatchers’ character’s teenage cousin ten years ago. She’s not necessarily the most likable character, but she’s got great hair and no shortage of sass.
• Addison (Private Practice) - I gave up on this show almost simultaneously as it began, but I do know that she had a superficial thing going for the guy who played Piz on Veronica Mars (remember that gross ogling scene on the backdoor pilot for Private Practice? Read that post, it’s much better than this one).
• Samantha (Sex and the City) - The cougar icon.
• One of the dames from Cashmere Mafia/Lipstick Jungle - From what I understand, these shows are chock full of ‘em.

…did the return of The Office kind of suck?

There’s a certain bar of quality for The Office — so even an off episode is generally better than a solid episode of many other shows. But, that said, this was a really off episode. Certainly not the one we were hoping to run into after a long, painful hiatus.

This was probably the single most uncomfortable episode to date on a show that has derived many of its laughs from cringe humor. I guess part of it is the awkward nature of the dinner party — there’s so much that can go wrong at a dinner party and so many opportunities for faux pas. But all that was augmented by the fact that we have been taken out of our natural surroundings in the Dunder Mifflin HQ and into the Michael Scott condo (although they’ve made location shoots work well in the past — Jim and Karen at the cocktail party, the convention episode, etc.).

Here’s a deleted scene if you want to recapture some of the awkward.

I’ve probably gone on this rant before, but I really hate what they’ve done to the character of Jan. I liked it when she was the buttoned-down businesswoman with a streak for being wild and letting her destructive tendencies get the best of her. But now she’s just completely unhinged and abusive, which is only funny for a little bit before it gets old.

On the other hand, 30 Rock’s return was pretty solid. Not the best ever, but just a solid episode.

I mean, “I ate my twin.”

Come on — that’s good stuff.

The burgeoning Andy/Angela romance. Jack’s escapade with a liberal congresswoman. Dwight gives a tour of Schrute Farms. Tracy Jordan talks to a pigeon.

You remember what we left behind so many months ago? Well, the wait is FINALLY over and new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock start tonight!

And, just because we’ve noticed you’ve been looking pretty hot lately, we’ve decided to share a blogger-exclusive preview of tonight’s episode of 30 Rock. You know the times — be sure to tune into NBC tonight.

Alright, so Maggie appraised us of NBC’s plan to create a backdoor pilot for a spin-off to The Office. We’re all scared, I know.

Hold me?

But let’s soldier through this. We need to establish some ground rules for the people in charge of this project, to ensure that: number one — the spin-off is a success; number two — they don’t sully the original version of The Office.

First up, let me say this. I think too much of the writers of The Office that they would let this obvious corporate shenanigan impinge upon the integrity of the original show. Even though the business end of the operation says “we like The Office — let’s have two of them” and the sensible folks respond “it doesn’t work that way — you can’t just duplicate a successful creative effort,” I think the folks behind the original are sensible enough to not let this spin-off detract from the old show.

That said, here are some ground rules for these new folks:

1. None of The Office’s characters are yours. Not even Karen. If this thing is going to work, you need to create your own situation and your own dynamic. Don’t borrow liberally.
2. Set your own tone. Feel free to keep the documentary format, but don’t spread the deadpan humor too thin. If you go for the same kind of humor, you’re going to eff it up. See the subject line of this post.
3. Hire good writers. This should be the most obvious rule, right? But they seem to get it wrong all the time, hence the incredible number of awful sitcoms. Hire some idealistic, Ivy League kids and give them just enough money for food, shelter and weed and you’ve got a critical success.
4. Cancel if it’s not working. I’m just a jerkface blogger, and I really know nothing about the TV biz. I do, however, possess a marketing minor to accompany my English major, so I would advise to not slaughter your cash cow for some short term beef. You want to be able to milk this thing for the long term.

Any other ideas?

NBC has announced its schedule for the next year, and it kind of makes me want to puke.

NO: Why dilute the Office brand with a spin-off? Why not come up with a new idea instead? Oh right. That would be expensive. And take time. But the strike means there’s none of either available. Sigh.

NO: Practically no new shows at all, and definitely no definitive season openers like we’ve had in Septembers past. And the new shows that they’ve got are stale, stale, stale. A paraplegic psychic who solves crimes? A comedy import from Australia? GET OUT.

NO: Knight Rider.

NO: “SNL Thursday Night Live” — they do know that those initials mean something, and therefore the title is actually “Saturday Night Live Thursday Night Live,” right? Also: I don’t want any more political sketches than what we already have. And why Thursday? Why??

NO: Chuck has been renewed. I can’t quit it! If they air it, I will be forced to watch! And they’re following it with a spy drama starring Christian Slater. I quote from the description of his show, because its ridiculousness cannot be summarized:

Henry Spivey (Christian Slater, “Bobby”) is a middle-class efficiency expert living a humdrum life in the suburbs with a wife, two kids, a dog, and a minivan. Edward Albright is an operative who speaks 13 languages, runs a four-minute mile, and is trained to kill with his teeth. Henry and Edward are polar opposites who share only one thing in common — the same body. When the carefully constructed wall between them breaks down, Henry and Edward are thrust into unfamiliar territory where each man is dangerously out of his element. “My Own Worst Enemy” explores the duality of a man who is literally pitted against himself. And it raises the question: who can you trust when you can’t trust yourself?

What is this, written by Donald Kaufman?

MAYBE: I kind of like the idea of Merlin starring Anthony Head. Ditto for Ian McShane’s Kings.

That is the saddest slate of new shows I’ve seen in a long time. And this is not just because they’ve deprived me of my precious upfronts. I suppose I am resistant to change, even if it’s probably going to be good for me — in theory, I am all for year-round TV. In theory. But not if it’s going to be all diluted like this schedule.

Hey guys — did you know on that newfangled Hulu.com thing you can see some exclusive content? It’s true. Waltz on over why don’t you?

Or, simply take a look at this clip of Jenna Fisher and Angela Kinsey talking about pregnancy, Bed Bath and Beyond and Jenna screaming.

April 10 is nearing.  Can’t you just taste it?

Just Jared has some pictures from the new episode of The Office. Savor it, relish it. Caress it like a naughty, naughty lover.

NBC does have a promo running for The Office’s return, but it’s a pretty awful, unironic, shot-through-gauze ad that doesn’t give you any meat to chew on. If you feel you need to watch it, I’ve embedded it below. I guarantee you’ll be left with a feeling of emptiness.

I think we all wanted Unhitched to work for Rashida Jones’ sake.

She had to move on after The Office — right? I mean, after Karen got unceremoniously dumped by Jim after last season’s finale, they could’ve kept her around. But it would’ve been a constant well of anxiety — and not the kind that is conducive to comedy.

So, she gets her new show and it has promise from the description — cutie Craig Bierko co-stars (with two other guys you definitely haven’t heard of) in a sitcom about young divorcees in Boston. Hooray! Hopefully it’ll be a cynical, but hip and smart, send-up of modern romance. Optimism! Maybe she’ll have a chance to shine on her own, not living in the shadow of John Krasinski’s Impish Smirk ™. Mirth!

Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.

The group gathers because something weird happened to Craig Bierko’s butt. It’s not really worth explaining.

Based on the pilot, there’s just not a whole lot there to get excited about. Bierko leads the ensemble as they each have their own disastrous romantic entanglements (a prolonged date with a call girl, one character’s misguided romantic interest in a 16-year-old) — but none of them are buoyed by particularly clever dialogue or interesting characters.

Take Jones’ pickle — she’s insecure about dating a short guy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a short guy who happens to like even shorter guys, but the conflict was half-developed and his super-secret surprise (I won’t spoil you) isn’t particularly knee-slapping.

The supporting characters are uninspiring too. There’s The Indian Guy, whose biggest comedic asset is his exaggerated accent. I’m not going to play up the ethnic stereotype aspect — because it’s totally not worth getting into — but the character is just lame and uninspired. The other character who, as best I can tell is just a vaguely stonerish ne’er-do-well, fares even worse.

It’s probably just nostalgia that raise my hopes for Unhitched to be better than it really ever had a chance to be. Despite all this, the cast is vaguely likable enough to give it another episode to improve. But, then again, unless you’re some dork with a TV blog I can’t imagine you would have any good reason to give it a second chance.