Glenn Beck… Please stop it.

No one thinks you’re being cute.

My most recent mental association with Scott Baio (and, of course, there are many) is the scene in that slightly devestating and oddly fascinating book about dudes who scam on women for sport, The Game, where a not very attractive but evidentally very skilled PUA (pick up artist) steals Scott’s woman out from under him at a bar. Who steals Chachi’s babe?

Wow, I can’t believe I just admitted I to reading The Game. Moving on.

It will SHOCK you to your very core to learn that Scott Baio is now 45 and still single. It will shock you slightly less to learn that VH1 is exploiting these factors in a reality show creatively titles “Scott Baio is 45… and Single.” I have no idea what to expect from this, but I’m hoping for a cross between So NoTorious and Lisa Loeb’s #1 Single.

Looks like I might be out of luck on that one.

T.R. — stop holding that dog like that on the cover of The Advocate. It’s totally weirding me out.

Jesus God, Billy Bush. Give it a rest.

See also: Lou Dobbs, Ty Pennington

Let me just get this out of the way first and foremost — I don’t listen to Fergie. I mean, she’s culturally unescapable and I was/am weirdly obsessed with that “My Humps” song, but, for the most part, the part of my brain that thinks about Fergie is so small it almost doesn’t exist.

But her latest video for “Big Girls Don’t Cry” caught my eye because it features none other than our favorite superpower absorbing, bang-tossing, niece-flirting, future-self-glowering Petrelli brother, Milo Ventimiglia.

Not only are we treated to some weird, gigantic close-ups of Milo’s nipple, but he also pretends to play the guitar and has fake tattoos all up and down his arms. It’s truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Plus, when he pairs with Fergie and wears those tattoos, they kind of seem like a more polished and marketable version of Pink and her biker husband who was on The Surreal Life.

Watch it with the volume down and play the new single by The Go! Team on your iTunes instead.

We have a joke around here at TiFaux, and that joke is the incessant commenting on the Soaring Flying High School Musical post. It’s not even that amusing of a post. I’m kind of embarrassed by it, frankly. But I’m more embarrassed — and fascinated — by the reaction it’s gotten.

I know drawing attention to it will only make it stronger, but I can’t help it. And admit it — aren’t you a little curious how big it can get? Will it reach a hundred comments? Two hundred? When will the madness stop?

Here’s the story: Apparently if you google the words “soaring flying,” lyrics from the big number from High School Musical, this post is the first thing that comes up. So we at TiFaux are graced with the nation’s — and the world’s — fairly stupid youth.

Am I being harsh? Hard to say. When I was ten years old there was no internet to speak of, and even when I was fourteen there was no such thing as “blogging” or “comments,” so it’s impossible to know what I would’ve been like as a kid in the internet age.

But honestly. There’s no way we were that stupid.

It’s one thing to believe that somehow, this little blog is in communication with actor Zac Efron. We as adults know that the world doesn’t work that way; maybe kids just want to believe that he’s out there, waiting for him. I guess I can understand that.

It’s another thing entirely to leave your phone number in a comment on a blog in the hopes that Zac Efron will now call you. Please, don’t do that. Just don’t.

[You will note that we x’d out the numbers. No matter how stupid they are, I’m not going to be held responsible for some kid getting kidnapped.]

Not all of them are native English speakers, which means that they may not be great at grammar. That doesn’t mean they’re stupid — it’s the content of the posts that worry me, not the spelling. Writing a comment that just lists the lyrics of the song: That’s stupid. Asking Zac Efron for his MSN: That’s stupid. Calling everyone else on the post stupid: Also stupid, even though that’s what I’m doing now. (The comment-observer has become that commenter!)

It almost makes you nostalgic. Ah, to be a kid again. Too impatient to bother spelling out whole words. Quick to anger. Eager to love. Full of opinions, and the conviction that the world wants to hear them. It’s almost touching, if it weren’t kind of also scary.

I’ll leave you with my favorite of all the comments. There are so many priceless gems, it was hard to choose one. But this one stood out — for its simplicity, for its directness, for the fact that it’s in all caps. Enjoy!

Anonymus [sic]: “EVRY1 IS GAY CEPT ME.” [sic]

Poetry, isn’t it?

Ok, I hope none of you were part of this number. Apparently 1,478,000 people watched "The 1/2 Hour News Hour" on Fox News Channel last week. That's too many people. Even if you tuned in just to watch a train wreck, you're only encouraging them!

I'd just like to reiterate that I'm not offended as a liberal. I'm offended as someone who loves comedy. This should be something that liberals and conservatives can get together on. Don't encourage bad comedy just because you agree with the show's supposed ideology. Ideologically based comedy is a terrible idea to begin with. The Daily Show didn't set out to be liberal, it just ended up that way. And it doesn't hurt that there's been a conservative government in power. If a Democrat ends up president, The Daily Show will absolutely be making merciless fun of him or her.

So please. Don't watch this show. 

So, I had heard about Fox News' spin on The Daily Show, The Half Hour News Hour, and of course I thought it was gross.  Purely in theory it's gross.  But then I saw the real thing and it's just a hundred times worse than you could ever imagine.

Watch a promo for the show here. And then, once you've prepared yourself, watch this clip.

Okay.

You back?  Good.  You've got a little bit of vomit on your upper lip. 

First of all, the HHNH (almost the same name as a long-gone MTV show - The Half Hour Comedy Hour) is just not funny to an incredible degree and I feel like I can say that objectively.  If they had some sharp comedic digs for the left, I'd like to think that I could at least recognize it and take it in stride.  But no.  It's very Jay Leno-y schtick delivered by two unfathomaby smug anchors.

Much of the reason why the Half Hour News Hour isn't funny is because it lays bare the creators' fundamental misunderstanding of the other side.  Do liberals love cocaine?  I guess so, according to their portrayal. We also have some sort of fascination with gay penguins, I guess (or does just adding gay plus penguin equal comedy gold?).

I'm just waiting for them to scream "We hate gay people!  And Muslims!  Hell, we hate non-Christians!"  But you know it's not going to come to that.  They're just going to say everything but that. 

It'd be really easy to say that conservatives can't be funny.  Really easy.  But I don't know if I believe that.  What is clear, though, is that this show is not good from any standpoint.  If that is, in fact, the audience laughing during the segments, you can practically see their faces wincing from their strained over-laughing.

Please, just stop it.  Stop being horrible. 

Kyle and I have recently taken up the DVDs of The Wire, which is just as good as everyone says it is. We're a couple episodes shy of finishing the first season, and as it's a show with four completed seasons out in the world, we're constantly at risk of having the whole thing Brusteined.

The background story: Robert Brustein is a big-time guy in the world of theatre. A couple years ago he was introducing a screening of the film Jacob's Ladder, attended by Kyle and his roommates at the time. In his introductory remarks, Brustein totally gave away everything that happens in the movie, ruining it. Thus, the verb "to Brustein" was born.

You can be Brusteined at any time. Once, many, many years ago, I was giving my brother and his friend a ride home from the mall. A movie with a famous twist ending had just come out, and I hadn't seen it yet. Neither had my brother. My brother's friend started talking about it, and I told him to shut his stupid trap. The next words out of his mouth? "It was Kevin Spacey."  

Last night, we attended a comedy show featuring Aziz Ansari (who is hilarious; if you haven't seen this, stop everything and watch immediately). Aziz was talking about how great The Wire is, a sentiment with which I could not agree more. And then this happend.

Heckler: They kill [character name].
Aziz: WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?

And indeed, why would someone do this? Why would Robert Brustein ruin Jacob's Ladder? Why did that little snot say Kevin Spacey's name?

I can understand accidentally letting spill some nugget of info, in your enthusiasm for discussing a great piece of entertainment. But who gets off on taking all the suspense out of everything, just for a moment of feeling smart and superior? What kind of person Brusteins with a smug smile on their face (because, as I'm sure you've noticed, these assholes are always smiling)? Do they want to be slapped across the face?

Please, Brusteining psychos, let us enjoy our early episodes of The Wire in peace.

Also, do watch The Wire. I have learned so much about drug dealing.