Even though I’m a Grown Up now (because I have both renter’s insurance and a video iPod, which are the main qualifications) sometimes I still get confused. Every once in awhile, I can’t tell if something is the greatest or worst idea on the planet, and I could use a little help landing on a decision. Rather than throw caution into the wind and going with my gut (a technique that handed me some very heavy bangs in 8th grade, a 17 credit course load during my first semester of college when my BAC never went below .15, and, most recently, Ashlee Simpson’s sophomore effort) I’m going to start enlist help before I commit to an idea that initially confuses me. To wit, I need a True or False from anyone who feels qualified to answer.

Confirm or Deny: There and Back: Ashley Parker Angel is the worst show on television.

If you haven’t yet had the pleasure, let me give you a small rundown of facts.

1. Ashley Parker Angel used to be in OTown, the band from the first Making The Band before Diddy got his mitts on it and made it all about asses. Not that I disagree with that philosophy. I have a vague recollection of him always being the “Bitchy/ Moody/ Musical Purist that Doesn’ t Want To Compromise His Creative Integrity one” (every boy band needs one) but that’s reaching pretty far back in my reality tv mental repository.  

2. This MTV reality show follows Mr Angel in his journey to come back from obscurity to stardom. It also “breaks all the rules” for reality show in allowing Ashley to break the fifth wall rather that doing conventional confessional-style interviews throughout the show– at certain points, they pause the scene, and do an odd wave effect where Ashley leaves the situation he’s in and addresses the viewing audience directly. The magic of editing. This gives it the feel of Zack Morris hitting you with the “time out!” and thusly freezing the scene around him while he explains what zany scheme he’s come up with that will have the appropriate third act complications before allowing him to smooth things out, learn a lesson, kiss the girl, and win the big game. Beat Valley! Oh, except that Zack Morris was cool and Ashley… well… see item #3.

3. Ashley Parker Angel not only has three names, but all of them are chick/ ambiguously gendered/ fake names. This pretty much breaks all of my rules for life. He might as well take out a full page ad in the Voice proclaiming himself the head of the new communist revolution in America for how far off this guy is. Cut it down to two names, commie, and maybe make it so that one of them gives people a vague idea that you might have a penis.

4. APA has not held down a job since his OTown days of filming videos on boats, as we learned from the episode where he visits a temp agency wearing jeans, a short sleeved shirt, a tie, and converses. Yes, this is a variation on what I wear to the office every day, but I already have a job, so that’s a moot point.

5. APA has thus far, jon bon jovi-style (and that is the last comparison I’ll make between anyone involved in the recording of “we fit together” and The NJesus) managed to stick it out with his high school sweetheart, who didn’t leave him when he (a) evidentally blew any money he made in OTown, causing them to move in with her mother and hold garage sales (b) knocked her up without marrying her (c) named their baby lyric.

6. The show’s supporting cast includes not only The Tiny Baby With The Worst Name Ever, but the aforementioned girlfriend/ eventual fiance who still rocks the Hit Me Baby two little ponytails on top of your head hairstyle, Jacob of similar OTown fame who hooks Assley up with a bitching construction job so that he can pay his electric bill, and the fiance’s mother, seen mostly in the backgrounds of shots, trying to fashion nooses out of guitar straps. Oh, and Shame. Shame plays a huge roll.

 Now, I know what you’re thinking…. it looks pretty bad on paper. Truthfully, it looks even worse when you watch it. And, yet, there is something oddly compelling about this embarrassment of human folly and cable television programming. Is this the worst thing to ever happen to tv? or, like what “My Humps” was to Top 40 radio, does Ashley Parker Angel and his rollercoaster of self loathing have it’s place in the world? Seriously. Someone, save me from this internal debate. I need to clear out space in my head for the new season of America’s Next Top Model.