I would've written about Wednesday's crazy-ass episode of Top Chef sooner, but I just got around to watching it last night.  I forgot that it was Wednesday and ended up watching Medium instead.  What?  Why did I forget that Top Chef was on?  Because I… it was a…  okay, I was drunk, are you happy?!

We're several episodes into this season of Top Chef and the onions and capers are just beginning to sizzle.

So far, the show has eliminated about half of its contestants, including its two gays; they gave a well-deserved boot to Carlos for serving up a weak-ass salad for a "cutting edge Thanksgiving" challenge while the show served up premature walking papers to talented, bemulleted lesbian Josie — a decision that was surprising to both viewers and weepy contestants.

In any case, I TiFauxed a rerun of Wednesday's episode and watched it last night.  Whooboy!  Crazy Mia threw her body on the grenade for Elia so that she wouldn't go home, but not before dropping some f-bombs directed towards Cliff at the judges' table.  She even threw in the towel before the judges announced who was going home (leading me to believe that she thought that she was going home anyways.  After all, Elia has won the past two competitions back-to-back, so Mia's decision probably wasn't so much 'I'm doing this because it's right' as much as it was 'You can't fire me because I quit'.)

Here's how it went down: 

Cliff won immunity in the Quickfire Challenge because he made the best concoction out of the product-placed Bailey's.  The shocker was that schlubby, perenially-losing Michael was one of the top cooks for the challenge.  When the guest judge lady said she like it, everyone looked at him with shocked approval as Ilan nudged him with his elbow affectionately.  It was as if a scared five-year-old had finally managed to go into the deep end of the pool, armed with floaties, goggles and a Zinka-covered nose.  It was cute, but it made you realize that it's a travesty for him to still be in the competition.

The contestants were divided into two teams to cater a Hollywood holiday-themed red carpet event.  I guess that's how you'd describe it — I didn't really understand quite what the event was but the big dude from Studio 60 was there, acting a fool.  The orange team, made up of Sam, Marcel, Betty and Ilan chose Sam as their leader, while  the black team (Cliff, Elia, Mia and Michael) chose Elia.  And everyone wondered why they chose Halloween colors for the Christmas event.

There's the requisite bickering and flaring tempers as the chefs plan their menus, but it becomes increasingly apparent that Cliff and Mia are both too stubborn to work with each other.  They're both equally at fault for their team's communication problems, but Mia acts like a crazy person, making it much easier to blame her.  Mia also has a tendency, I've noticed, to interview that every challenge just happens to be her specialty.  She drops the phrases "I cook for cowboys," "I own my own restaurant," and "I am a professional caterer" over and over until you have absolutely no concept of what she does for a living.

In the end, Sam's team ends up with an enormous spread of more than ten appetizer-style items while Elia's team focuses on just four.  While Elia's team served up the ostensibly higher-quality fare, their execution was a mess and they couldn't keep their table stocked which led — in no small part — to their loss.

Judge Gail is gone this episode, presumably attending a scallion convention, and has been replaced by Ted from Queer Eye. When Sam finds out that he won (being the head of his team), he reacts in typical Sam fashion — by not smiling or emoting at all, but just blinking a little bit and saying thanks.  Now, let me say this, Sam is still a piece of ass, but he does carry himself with a bit of a jockish demeanor that is intimidating and a little off-putting.  That said, I'm probably just bitter because he's more successful than I'll ever be and hotter than anyone I'll ever date.

Cut to the losing team and Cliff and Mia are going at it like cats and dogs, veering away from the politely passive-aggressive blame-shifting of normal Judges Tables into out-and-out hostility.  Mia cries and swears, knowing she's kind of screwed and that Cliff has immunity.  As the judges deliberate, Mia begins ranting in the kitchen about her completely irrelevant life story — saying she was selling drugs at the age of eleven and she's the only person in her family to make something of themselves.  It was all very A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, but also quite annoying and crazy.  Cliff tells her to shut up.

All the while it becomes apparent that it's going to be either Mia or Elia going home (Cliff can't get eliminated. Elia was the leader of the losing team, Mia's judgement was questionable and Michael wisely kept his mouth shut.)  Mia becomes convinced it's going to be Elia and says she can't let that happen.

A couple of notes about Elia: 1) I keep thinking she's Israeli, even though she's Mexican.  Totally not the same thing.  2)  Whenever she's being interviewed and she has her hair done up in curls, she looks a little Flashdancey — like she should have some sort of sweatshirt-hanging-off-the-shoulder action going. 

At the Judges' Table, Mia sacrifices herself and I'm left wondering if she was going to get the boot all along.

Next week: Wolverine-haired and indisputably annoying (but hugely scapegoated) Marcel fights with Ilan.  Somebody famous comes to judge the competition, but it's probably no one anyone's ever heard of unless they're a professional chef.

It's pretty lame to admit to even watching Saturday Night Live, let alone copping to the fact that you're excited about a particular episode.

That being said, and not to get all pre-teen-ish on you, but Justin Timberlake is hosting and performing on tomorrow's SNL, and I'm… well… I'm looking forward to it. Ahem. His last host/performing appearance was probably my favorite episode of that season. He's funny. And he sings nicely. And he's cute. I don't think much can go wrong with that formula. Right? RIGHT?

I mean, remember when he did his Ashton Kutcher imitation?

That wasn't even my favorite sketch that night.

Also I'm sure TiFaux readers are anxiously awaiting tonight's Battlestar Galactica. Frankly, I'm nervous. Things have been going not that suckily for a couple of weeks (besides all the radiation and starvation — which, pish! they've dealt with worse), so I'm guessing something truly horrible is about to happen. Bring. It. On.  

They make my face swell up like no other. 

• David Denman, aka Roy from The Office, gives an interesting interview to TV Guide about his character's recent rehabilitation.
• The guy who won The Biggest Loser, Erik, lost 52.58% of his body weight, going from 407 to 193 pounds.  The second biggest weight-loser, Brian, lost 156 pounds (50.65%).
• Ted Danson's latest lead balloon, Help Me Help You, is on the road to cancellation. 
• The Sopranos is coming back in April for its final season.  It was supposed to come back in March, but it has probably been held up by combative contract negotiations, injuries and the fact that the cast can't stop getting arrested .
• The Chicago Tribune says that Battlestar Galactica fans are in store for a big shocker. They're being cryptic about it, though.
• For those of you compulsively gathering Christmas music, you can download the version of O Holy Night that the New Orleans musicians played on Studio 60 the other week.  Look for the link on the right-hand side of the page.
• Natalie Dee draws about TV.
• It's your last chance to vote for TiFaux!  Let's finish strong!  While you're at it, maybe think about giving some love to Lesbian Dad in the Best New Blog category.  Lesbians are fun!  Plus, if she doesn't win it's going to be a blog called Hang Right Politics.