“Hi, I’m Rory Gilmore. I used to be all shy and bookish, and I didn’t know how to talk to boys, and I could always count on my awesome mom for the perfect comeback and spot-on advice. Now I’m at Yale… and… Logan… and…

“So I’m dating a rich asshole who’s only fun because he can throw money around like it’s his job. I’m self-righteous and irritating as editor-in-chief of the Yale Daily News. But I can’t stick up for myself in my personal life and I no longer listen to my awesome mom.

“What happened to me?”

The good old days.

Rory Gilmore, I’m sick of your shit.

When you slept with Dean, that was bad. But you had had a confusing year, as the first year of college often is. For the first time in your life, boys were not lining up around the block to carry your books. Teachers seemed to expect original thought. I can see how that might bruise a girl’s fragile ego, which would cause her to seek validation in the arms of a dude who is so sweet and so harmless he could never in a million years possibly do anything callous or mean. Except cheat on his wife, of course.

But then Logan. Listen, I’m trying not to judge. Really. I myself went to a fancy pants school, and on the first day there, after meeting my roomates (three other white chicks from the suburbs — thanks for the diversity, freshman dean’s office) and some other nice kids, I met this guy who would eventually become a very good friend and then six years later star in a WB reality TV show (btw: Dutch Aristocracy, my ass). I thought to myself, Shit. There are going to be guys like this All Over the Place! But… a) No there aren’t, and b) the ones that are, are actually real people, and nothing like Logan’s caricature of “Being a Rich Guy.” Not that I’m defending rich assholes. I just think that even rich assholes have more depth and nuance than Logan Huntzberger.

Also, I’m a Jess fan. (Though Jess is also a caricature — “Poor Hipster Tortured Artist” — I forgive him because he seems to have layers.) What’s wrong with you, Rory? Going to Philly to toy with him? Telling him you love Logan? Give the guy a break already! Like you haven’t made him suffer enough for treating you badly. He seems like he’s cleaned up his act, so let the man live his life. Or run off with him. Damn. Do something.

Just do NOT stay with Logan Huntzberger and act like a boring married couple and get used to the luxury so that you’ll never be able to have a normal relationship ever again. It’s crazy and stupid. Little Rory in her private school uniform and with her high ideals would laugh in your pathetic boring face.

She’d also be completely ashamed that you are so weak and hopeless that you actually stole a boat and quit school because Logan’s dad said some mean things to you. As is every viewer of this show. Don’t think I’ve forgiven you for that, Ms. Gilmore.

As Stephen Colbert would say, grow some balls. Get your shit together, and stop annoying me already.

The team at TiFaux, along with Tori, Kristin and Keifer, wishes our readers warm Passover greetings!

Have you removed all the leavened products from your household?